Trusting

I've been in a most reflective mood lately. I have been thinking so much about all that God has brought Brad and I through. The tough times and the tears, the not knowing and the questions about what we should do. A few years ago, it seemed like there would never be a light at the end of the tunnel. It seemed like I would hurt forever and I would always be thinking about the fact that I could not have children.

In the last few months especially, the Lord has done such a healing work in my heart. I cannot claim to be a person who responded to this trial with complete faith and trust. To be honest, it shook me to my core. It put to the test everything I said I believed, and I sometimes wondered what the outcome of that would be. I often felt that God was far away, that He couldn't hear my cries, or that if He did hear, He didn't care. I asked Him frequently why He didn't do something. I knew all the answers in my head, but it took me a long time to process what we were going through and to wrestle with the question I knew the Lord was asking me: Do you trust me?

Before this happened, I thought I knew the answer to that question. But when hard times came, I was shaken. Did I trust Him, even though I didn't understand? Did I trust Him, even though I could not see what the outcome would be? Did I trust Him, even though I did not like what was happening? I can look back now and see how faithfully and patiently the Lord was working in me. He did not give up on me, even when my faith was weak.

These last few months, I have felt such a new freedom in my walk with Him, a closeness with Him that I have never experienced, and a confidence in knowing that come what may, I will trust Him. I know that I follow a God who is good, who does all things well, who sees infinitely more than I do, and who loves me completely. There is such peace in trusting in Jesus.