A Work in Progress

I finally feel like we're making progress.

You know, in the forward direction.

After many sleepless nights we are starting to figure out what works for us. I have been reading sleep books, asking friends for advice, and mostly just praying for wisdom about how to help Matthew get to a place where he doesn't mind his bed.

What we've changed:

Nathan's crib is now in our bedroom. Sigh. Is it ideal? Definitely not. But for the moment it is what we need to do and we know it is a short-term solution while we work on Matthew's sleeping habits.

{An unexpected bonus of this - Nathan has started sleeping through the night!}

We now have an extended bedtime routine. We are doing all of the same things we used to do (bath, brush teeth, read stories etc.) but now we have a routine that we do the exact same way every night. We have slowed everything down so that Brad and I aren't running around chasing the two boys totally frazzled and just wanting them to be in bed NOW! We are deliberate and we talk about what is coming next, and this seems to help Matthew a lot.

{An unexpected bonus of this - Brad and I are way less stressed at this time of day and we are getting the boys in bed and asleep over an hour earlier than we used to!}

I made this handy dandy chart with pictures for Matthew to see and every evening we go through the steps and talk about what's next. He really loves it! Overkill? Totally! But we were so desperate I was willing to try anything!

We moved bedtime up to 7pm. Best thing ever. Before, it would be 9pm or 10pm before Matthew was actually asleep - and the whole time was a battle with screaming and him getting up out of his bed. He was so tired in the day that we just had one tantrum after another. Now he is asleep by 7:30pm or 8pm and he is so much happier in the day! And so am I! Our bedtime routine takes about an hour so we have to start that around 6pm, which is so early, but it is worth it to have some peace and quiet in the evenings and some sleep at night!

We started leaving his door open. We had tried this before but he wouldn't stay in his bed. Now he is old enough that we could explain that we were just out in the living room, and that we would leave his door open as long as he didn't get out of bed and didn't scream. He is falling asleep much more quickly and with no drama now.

My favorite one - Brad started going in to him in the middle of the night! I have always taken this role since Brad goes to work and drives most of the day and I really don't want him driving when he's exhausted. But for a little while we've decided that it's best for Brad to go since Matthew quiets down much more quickly for him (he is very reluctant to see me go at night). Matthew has gone from waking up 5-10 times a night to waking up 1-3 times, and he goes back to sleep so much more quickly now. Such a blessing!

I by no means think we have this all figured out, or that it won't get worse again. It just might - tomorrow! But I am thankful for a few nights of good sleep and I really think these changes will help us in the long run. Plus, this little boy is SO much happier!

And one day we will have our bedroom back.

You know, when we're retired and the kids have moved out :)

{Sweetness}

While the days (and nights) continue to be hard, we are still so blessed with our two little guys! We have had many wonderful moments over the last few weeks and they are just that much sweeter since we have experienced some, um, not so sweet moments.

Pictures show it best!

Nathan loved the mini ball crawl I set up in the living room!

We received a Podegi (Korean baby wrap) from Nathan's escort, and we finally got around to learning how to wear it. Nathan was so happy to be snuggly tied on Daddy's back!

Snacks at the park

Playing trains with a friend.

Nathan is getting the idea of how to not destroy the track!

All these toys and what does he play with? Yep, a bucket.

More fun at the park. Nathan is a daredevil, up and down with no help. Matthew is a little more cautious but getting braver all the time!

We took our drum and instruments outside and pretended we were a marching band. The boys loved it!

On top of night terrors and adjusting to all these changes, I'm pretty sure Matthew is teething. Nighttime may not be my favorite at the moment, but I still love to cuddle this little boy in his pajamas!

Snuggle time with Aunt Sarah.

It's good to remember all the good!

These Days (And Nights)

"I severely underestimated how hard this would be."

I found myself saying this to Brad only a few weeks after we brought Nathan home, and at the time I really didn't even have a clue how accurately that represented this new phase of my life.

It is harder than I ever dreamed.

Don't get me wrong - the cute pictures and smiling faces and wonderful progress Nathan is making are all true. But they are only one side of the "truth" for our family right now.

I don't mean to sound overdramatic, but this is really one of the hardest times of life I have ever gone through. I have never before found it so difficult to get out of bed in the morning - and not just because I am dead tired. Which I am, every day. I am just finding life very overwhelming at the moment. It is constant, unending, exhausting. None of it by itself is hard: housework, potty training, dinner, two little toddlers getting into everything and fighting every other second...okay, that one by itself is pretty hard. The frustration level I have felt over the last couple of weeks are unlike anything I have ever experienced. How can two little people who are so sweet and cute also manage to drive me crazy?

I am learning that my ability to cope when I am sleep deprived is not that great. I find myself being on edge with the kids about the smallest things and I hate it. We still have lots of fun, but for sure we have had a lot of hard days lately.

It is strange, but Nathan is not actually causing me any trouble right now. He is sleeping pretty well, eating well, is happy and learning new things all the time.

Matthew, on the other hand, is...struggling.

He has obviously been through a lot of changes in the last couple of months. He went from being an only child to having a younger brother who is into all "his" stuff (as he sees it). We didn't bring home a newborn who sleeps a lot and can't walk or talk. We brought home a little boy almost the same size as him who can run and climb and sit on him. He went from having his own room and having Mommy and Daddy all to himself to sharing everything in his life. And he has definitely been letting us know that he is not all that happy about it.

Matthew is also just a 2 1/2 year old. He is learning independence, realizing that he can speak his mind, finding that he has an opinion about things ("I don't want to go to sleep!!!!"). He is potty trained and going through a lot of changes that are totally normal to this toddler age. I know that his frequent (and I do mean frequent) tantrums are a part of this phase. The hard part, I have found, is that he changed almost overnight from a mellow, easygoing child into a challenging, unhappy toddler who melts down at the slightest mention of the word "no". It makes me sad, and it is exhausting to deal with all day long.

He used to be a pretty good sleeper, but those days seem to be gone. I dread the battles of bedtime and naptime. He has been waking up screaming, often several times a night, sometimes unresponsive when we try to comfort him, and yesterday I took him to the doctor to discuss our sleeping issues and the possibility that he is having night terrors.

I was very surprised to find out he has strep throat! Other than acting up and not sleeping, he had not been acting like anything was up. I am hopeful that if we get him feeling better he will start sleeping again.

Our new sleep tactic: divide and conquer. After being up for two straight hours two nights ago we decided to move Nathan's crib into our bedroom to try to sort out Matthew's sleep issues. Last night Matthew was still awake 5 times but it didn't seem so overwhelming since he didn't wake Nathan up.

I know in my head this stuff will all pass. I know this is a season, I know that it is certainly not the worst thing we could be facing. Sometimes the feeling of I don't know how to handle this is just overwhelming. I'm sorry for the whiny tone of this post, but I really just wanted to write about life at the moment. I hope that one day soon I will be reading this and see how we survived this period of our lives just fine :)

Transformation

It has been almost 10 weeks since Nathan was placed in my arms.

He was overwhelmed, lost, scared, angry, confused,

and he had ever right to be.

In the last 10 weeks

he has been to 10 doctors appointments,

had 1 CT scan,

and had 3 hearing tests.

He has started wearing a hearing aid

and eye patch every day.

He has gained over 3 pounds

and has gone from the 6th percentile for weight

to the 23rd percentile!

He has learned 7 signs,

started to imitate sounds,

and is trying to say "Mama" and "Dada"

We have started to see his beautiful smile

more and more often

and even though we still have our rough moments

it is amazing to see the transformation in this little boy.

He is able to play and focus, he is happy and affectionate,

he eats well and is learning so many new things each day.

He's been through a lot in the last two months,

there's no doubt about that.

But he is an amazing, resilient, strong little guy,

and he has totally and completely stolen my heart.

How They Put a Smile On My Face

These boys know how to put a smile on my face, that's for sure! I hope they are able to put a smile on your face today, too!

Nathan having a good laugh in the car

Matthew's ABC's

We're Still Here!

Busy days.

Trying days.

Challenging days.

Fun days.

Yes, all of the above.

I must admit that this last week has been a difficult one, and I didn't really expect it. Getting a hearing aid for Nathan was wonderful, amazing, exciting...and for him, a scary, overwhelming, huge change. He started wearing it immediately when we got home and did not try to take it off. I was so happy about this - I was prepared for it to be a battle. What I wasn't prepared for was the way Nathan reacted to being able to hear. He got quiet, silent actually, when he is normally very loud. His wonderful sleeping habits went down the toilet and he spent hours screaming in the middle of the night. We went from having him sleeping soundly in the crib and waking only once for a few minutes to having him back in our bed because it was the only way he could be consoled. In the daytime, he became angry, aggressive, unhappy...it was reminiscent of our first days at home. It caught me by surprise and to be honest it has been very discouraging to have to work through all of this again.

And yet...I understand it. When I think about it, it makes sense. He is overwhelmed, and this is how he reacts when he's overwhelmed by big changes. At least we know that much about him now! And thankfully, this time we are able to be a comfort to him through this time. His head hits my pillow, and he is out for the night!

We have seen glimpses of the happy boy we were beginning to see a week ago and it makes my heart so happy to see him smiling again. He has been through so much in the last couple of months and I see such a strong spirit in him.

He's been having fun with brother...


And we went to the fair and saw tons of animals (the boys loved them all!). Matthew had lots of fun walking around with Grandma and Grandpa :)

It is crazy to think that just two short years ago we were at the fair and my heart was aching because my arms were still empty...and this year my heart was so full as I looked at my two boys in amazement! Every once in a while it still catches me off guard and I think, woah, how did this happen?!?!

Last week we headed to the eye doctor. The good news is that Nathan will not be having eye surgery any time soon :) Maybe down the road, but we'll just handle that when (if) it comes. For now, we will be working on strengthening his right eye by patching his left eye for 2-4 hours a day. It's a pretty common thing that many kids have to go through and so far he has done great with wearing the patch. He has worn it for 2 hours every day so far with no fuss. He continues to amaze me :)

And of course, I have to show off some of the fabulous smiles we are blessed to see around here! These boys just melt my heart (and drive me crazy, all in the same day!).

Hearing Aids, Potties, Haircuts and Smiles

What a week! So much good stuff to catch up on.

On Tuesday we had another appointment with the audiologist and I was amazed to find out that we could take home a loaner hearing aid! Nathan has been wearing a BAHA (bone anchored hearing aid) since Tuesday evening and it has been simply amazing to see him hearing us. The BAHA is a hearing aid on a soft headband, and it works by transferring sound directly to the inner ear using bone conduction. It is amazing! We found out on Tuesday that Nathan does have ear canals and ear drums, so it looks like he may be able to have ear level hearing aids that go behind his ears with a molded part inside his ear. We are starting out with the BAHA and we'll see how things go. Nathan loves to wear the BAHA, although at the appointment he did get so upset that he threw up on me. It seems like hearing for the first time has been pretty overwhelming for him as he has been waking up a lot at night, has been very quiet during the day, and has seemed pretty angry and aggressive again the last few days. I think this is just how he deals with being overwhelmed, and thankfully this afternoon and evening he was much more himself. This has been an amazing journey and we are so thankful for all the progress we are making. We have an evaluation for speech therapy in a couple of weeks and I am so excited to hear him learn some words! But for the record, I really think he said his first word already - he was screaming "MAAAAAMAAAAAA!!" last night from his crib while Brad was trying to get him back to sleep :) And yes, it worked, and he ended up in my arms!

In other big news, Matthew decided this was the week he was going to become a big boy. He has been showing signs for a while that he might be getting ready to use the potty, so on Monday I decided to just give it a try. He was diaper free for about 4 hours and used the potty 4 times without any accidents! Okay, then! He has not worn diapers for the last three days and has only had a handful of accidents. I did not see this coming but I am very glad it's been so easy! I must admit I was dreading potty training.

Other than doctors appointments and potty training, we really haven't been leaving the house much! It has been a fun week, though, and I am loving spending time together. There is really only one rough time of day, and that is right before dinner. The boys are always crabby, Brad and I are exhausted, and somebody has to cook food! Our solution - I make dinner while Brad entertains the troops. I laughed when I peeked in the living room the other day (all had gone quiet which is usually a sign of trouble!) and found this:

A good solution to the problem, I think!

Another problem we have had to solve - how to keep the BAHA from slipping off Nathan's head! He has gorgeous, thick black hair. Wonderful to look at or run your fingers through, terrible if you're trying to keep a headband on it!

We were fixing it every five minutes, and nobody was happy about that arrangement!

The solution: a haircut. I was so sad but at the end of it I realized it was a great idea. The headband stays put, and Nathan looks perfectly adorable!

Everybody's smiling now! And I'll be even happier if tonight does not involve two hours of awake time from 1-3am :)