Night Night, Sleep Tight

It's late

(not college-student late, but Mom-of-two-little-boys late).

You know, 10pm.

The house is quiet. Finally quiet.

I've been thinking about all those sleep training books I've read.

The ones that were supposed to have all the answers for getting them to sleep.

I want my money back.

Here's the thing.

Those books are great, and I really did get some helpful ideas,

things that changed how we've worked

and I think I might have lost my sanity in those early days

when Nathan was first home

had we not had some practical help for getting everyone to bed.

But those books are missing something.

They don't take into account a few things,

important things,

that are messing with our sleep.

A lot.

They don't take into account chronic sickness,

or your kid waking up crying every night with headaches

or itchiness,

or lots of other goodies

that lead you to have to change the sheets :)

(we have one of these kiddos living in our house!)

They don't take into account loss,

and adoption,

and children who are living in their fourth home

in two short years.

They don't take into account

children who spent many months

comfortably sleeping beside the person

that they thought was their forever mama,

only to lose her one day and be thrust into a new world.

(we have one of these kiddos, too)

All these dynamics make sleep, well...elusive.

We have had our ups and downs,

and we are in a better place than we were 8 months ago,

and sometimes, like tonight,

I am somehow not bothered that much

by the fact that in those last 8 months

I have only slept through the night

3 times

(but who's counting?)

I'm letting go.

Of my need to have things go according to plan.

Of my feeling of "I deserve" and "It shouldn't be like this"

Because it just is like this.

It is just waking up to care for a little boy

who is hurting and needs his Mama.

Do you know how glad I am to be the one he wants?

So glad.

It is waking up to bring the littlest one into bed with us

in the middle of the night.

Again.

Every night.

And hearing him sigh as he snuggles up next to Brad,

as close as he can possibly be, because he feels safe and loved.

It's been a funny 8 months.

Not like, ha ha funny.

More like,

wow-this-isn't-what-I-expected-but-it's-actually-kind-of-great, funny.

Loosening up,

learning to see the gifts,

and able to function

on way less sleep than ever before!

So worth it.

I really should get to bed now,

it's almost time for me to be woken up again!

A Good End to the Week

There hasn't been much picture taking going on around here this week, we're mostly just laying low while Matthew recovers. He is doing well and the pain has not seemed to be too bad for him. I am so relieved to have this behind us and I'm really hopeful that he will be feeling better in the coming days. On the day before the surgery, the first thing he said to me in the morning and the last thing he said to me at night were the same: "Mama, I don't feel good." I hope that we are going to see a little boy who feels much, much better very soon.

We have been working on our house a lot lately with the hopes of getting it ready to put on the market someday soon. We've had a hole in our living room wall since early in the spring and we decided it was finally time to patch it up :) My parents graciously came and painted our living room, and then Brad worked his magic and finished the fireplace and mantel. I love it! I'll have to take some pictures of the whole living room now, I just forgot!

(Before)

(After - the fireplace)

And since Matthew has been getting a lot of blog time lately I thought I would share a few pictures of our other little cutie :) Nathan has been pretty clingy this week, maybe because Matthew has been getting so much attention. Tonight while Brad put Matthew in the tub, Nathan and I got to play for a while and he was just all giggles! It was so fun!

It's been a good week, but a tiring one. I am still not feeling great but it has been wonderful to have Brad home a bit this week and to have my mom here. It is frustrating to not be able to do all the things I would like to do, to not have the energy to be the mom I want to be, to know that running wouldn't be smart right now. Really, though, it could be so much worse. I have friends struggling with big stuff right now and I am reminded frequently how much I have to be thankful for.

My Brave Little Guy

Today went better than we could have even hoped! My brave little guy has been amazing today and I am so proud of him. I looked at him this afternoon and realized you couldn't really even tell he'd had surgery this morning. It's going that well!

Thankfully the day didn't start too early. We had quite a wait before being taken back but Matthew loves playing on the I-Pod so that kept him busy.

The nurses were all very kind and let Matthew pick out a little stuffed animal - we were not surprised that he chose an elephant :) We had fun while we were waiting and Matthew kept laughing so much that we were trying to shush him. I was thankful he was in such a good mood!

Matthew had his adenoids and tonsils removed and ear tubes put in. I was anxious to see how these would work for him as we have noticed his hearing getting worse over the last few weeks. When we went back to see him in recovery he was upset and saying, "I don't feel good. I feel sad!" over and over again. It was very sad to see but thankfully the pain medication quickly kicked in and soon he fell asleep on my lap.

Once we got home, only four hours after we left the house, Matthew did great! He never threw up and had an appetite as soon as we got home. He ate popsicles, a banana, applesauce, peaches, oatmeal, and more popsicles. I was really surprised that he wanted to get up and play with trains quite a few times. Mostly we just sat and watched movies.

Look who wanted to "cheese" every time the camera came out! I have him well trained :)

I am so thankful Brad could take today and tomorrow off, and that my Mom is here to help out as well. Matthew and I took a lovely 4 hour nap this afternoon (!) and I am now waiting to give him his 11pm dose of medicine before we go to sleep. He is feeling more pain now and not wanting to swallow, and I've heard that the second and third days are worse than the first so I'm expecting tomorrow to be a bit rougher. Still, I am so thankful for how well he did today. I love my boy so much!!!!

Another Chance to Trust

It's only Monday, but it hasn't really been a great week so far. To be honest, I am a bit down tonight. I have not been feeling well for two weeks, and this morning went back to the doctor thinking I had strep throat. My head was pounding, my throat was so sore I could hardly swallow, and I really just wanted to crawl back into bed. After a negative strep test, the questions quickly turned back to mono...I felt my heart sink as the doctor suggested it may be back. I had some blood work done and should know in the morning if it's mono again/still or a sinus infection. I cried all the way home from the doctor.

It's not the end of the world. We will deal with it. It will be okay. But the thing is, I don't want to deal with it again. I don't want to feel crummy all the time and still have to take care of kids. I don't want my kids to have a mom who is just surviving each day. I don't want to be exhausted and emotional and unable to do the things I want to do. I am frustrated that this is coming at a difficult time - Matthew has surgery in the morning, and now I am feeling like this. Frustrating.

I am feeling okay about the surgery but nervous about the recovery. It is always hard to see your kids in pain and I know there is going to be some of that tomorrow.

Before Nathan came home when I found out I had mono, my response was really, "This is just another opportunity to trust God." I believed with all of my heart that He would see me through it. And He did, without question. It was hard, but He was always there.

Tonight I am finding it harder to choose that perspective. I want to whine, cry, say this isn't fair, pout some more, and then maybe have a pity party to end the night. But I know that isn't the way to respond. That doesn't help anything. What does help is to turn it over to Him, to choose to trust, to remember all the ways He faithfully helped me through it before, and to set my heart on knowing Him more. Peace comes when I am with Him and when I remember who He is. The stuff of this life is always changing; my God never changes.

So thankful for that tonight.

Ramblings

It felt like life would never again be nice and easy like it was with one child, but I think we are getting there! Things have settled into such a nice rhythm and it seems like we are really finding our way as a family of four. I am so glad...it was hard getting up every morning to chaos and upset children and exhaustion. Things feel so peaceful now in comparison!

Nathan is astounding us with how many words he is adding on an almost daily basis. His newest phrase is "there you go" - it comes out "der do" but we know what he's saying :) This morning he said, "Stinky, where are you?" - which came out, "Tinky, whaaaooooo?" (he was looking for his special blanket, Monkey Stinky). His first word this morning was "Matthew!" because he loves his brother and calls for him as he goes to bed and as soon as he wakes up. So sweet! He's also added the following words in the last couple of weeks:

on

open

off

down

go

stuck

help

cracker

honey

Pooh (as in, Winnie the)

It is amazing to see him changing. Yesterday we had some special one-on-one time after he woke up from his nap (Matthew was still sleeping) and I felt like I was really seeing a glimpse of his personality with him totally relaxed and at ease. I'm not sure I've really seen that before. He was being so silly and goofy, laughing his head off and playing with me on my lap. I remember this feeling with Matthew, when he started to really let himself trust me. It takes a long time, a lot longer than I would have thought, but it is so worth all the effort to get here!

I'm so happy to be sleeping again. It makes me excited to get back to running more often since I'm not so tired. I need to pick another race so that I have a goal to work towards.

I can't wait for Matthew to start feeling better. Every day he wakes up saying he doesn't feel well. I feel so bad that I really can't do anything for him right now, but I am really praying that having his tonsils/adenoids out next week will make a big difference. I am all stocked up on popsicles and my mom is coming to help me with Nathan so I think we're all set.

The other day, Matthew turned to me and said, "That's despicable!"

Today we are heading to our Moms group at church. It is so fun to have lots of other mom friends who have little ones the same ages as my boys. We sit and chat while the kids play and I know I can always ask advice or help about whatever challenges we're facing. It is so good to get out of the house, too!

That's about it for this morning - off to start some laundry, get us all dressed and out the door!

A Little Getaway to Run an 8k

This weekend was our first getaway since Nathan has been home, and it was a ton of fun! We met my parents for our overnight trip and the boys were very excited to spend time with Nana and Papa.

The hotel we stayed at was great and had a lovely pool. The boys giggled their way through our swim time and would have stayed in all night I think! It's been a while since we'd taken Matthew swimming and it was fun to see how brave he is now. He used to be so cautious but this time he kept wanting to jump in off the side (holding my hands) over and over again. Nathan is a little water baby and kept dunking his own head under the water. He always comes up smiling! I am so glad they like the water!

The only rough part of the trip is that Matthew was sick (surprise, surprise!). He has another sinus/cold thing going on and it makes sleeping really difficult for him. At 3am I was stumbling around the hotel room in the dark to put wet pajamas on him as he was itchy and coughing uncontrollably. I was so glad that Nathan didn't wake up! I am so thankful he is scheduled to have his tonsils and adenoids out next week. I hope it will make a world of difference for him and that he'll be able to stay healthy for more than a few days.

Overall, the boys did so great at the hotel and I am really looking forward to our next trip away (without sickness I hope!).


The reason we planned this little getaway was so that Brad, my Dad and I could run an 8k race! I am glad to be back to running and even though I hadn't been training as much as I should have I was still able to run the race with not too much difficulty. My Dad and Brad stuck together and did great! I am so proud of them!

Now that I'm a mom, I think I appreciate my parents even more than I did before. I understand a lot more about the sacrifice and work that parenting is and I am so grateful for the love and care they have shown me my whole life. It is a wonderful thing to know you can count on your family to always be there for you. Brad and I really are so blessed to have two great families!

Thank You, Winter!

I don't know what is going on with this winter weather, but I am loving it! Yesterday and today have been so warm and we have enjoyed some time outside. I can't believe it's the first day in February and we were outside riding bikes! Crazy!

Matthew is getting the hang of the tricycle and I hope the snow stays away so we can practice some more.

Nathan refused to try to pedal but really enjoyed walking his bike along and giving me a heart attack every two seconds as he kept almost flipping over the handle bars.

He also very much enjoyed crashing into the back of Matthew's bike. Which made Matthew laugh hysterically.

Boys, I tell ya.



When I saw this picture I had taken of Matthew I had this moment of, "When did he get that big????". I could hardly believe it.

I was so thankful we could go outside. The boys were screaming and crabby, not listening and really causing some parental frustrations :) We stepped outside, and all was calm! The rest of the day was lovely and we had some great family time. I love when that happens!