Bits and Pieces

This weekend was one of the best I've had in a long time!

My parents came for a visit, and not only was it so great to see them, but they occupied the boys for hours on end! I can't tell you how great that was (for us and for the boys!). Matthew and Nathan are blessed with two sets of amazing grandparents and it is such a joy for us to see them together!

Nathan has been a happy boy lately! He has the best smile and is learning and changing so much every day. This week he started saying, "Hi!", "Ball", and "More". I love hearing his sweet little voice and I can't believe how quickly he is picking up language now. We go back to the audiologist on Thursday where he will be fitted with ear-level hearing aids (I think that's what they're called - he will have a molded piece in his ear and the hearing aid goes over his ear). This will just be a trial to see if they work better for him than the BAHA.

My Little Mister Matthew and I (who I should start calling my BIG Mister Matthew - when did he get so tall and so heavy????) spent the morning at the allergist today. It was time for him to be retested, and although I was praying that he would have outgrown at least one of his food allergies, the skin test showed he is still allergic to eggs, peanuts, tree nuts, dogs, and milk (last time the skin test didn't show up for milk but we figured it out from some reactions he had). I must admit I was disappointed to see the little bumps appear where they had placed the allergens on his arms, but really nothing has changed so there's nothing for me to be all that upset about. Having a child without food allergies has shown me a little more the challenges we face in dealing with Matthew's allergies - it is just so easy to be able to give Nathan anything, to take him to any restaurant without worrying if we will find safe food. And yet it is not really a big deal in light of the challenges so many other families face, so I'll try not to complain about it any more :)

Matthew is sporting his new haircut, and looking pretty spiffy if I do say so myself :) He's been a much happier boy the last few days as we are finally conquering some of the sleep issues we have had with him for the last several months. We are all getting more sleep now and so we are all much happier :)

This is my favorite picture of the two boys together. We've been seeing so many more smiles from them both and it just makes my heart so happy. I am one blessed mama to get to see these two gorgeous faces every single day!

Pictures that I May or May Not Have Posted Before

I really can't remember!

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Brighter Days

I keep feeling like I must be dreaming, and any day I will wake up and find myself back in the difficult fog that has been my life for the last four months. For suddenly, the fog has lifted and the sun is shining! This beautiful turn around could only be an answer to prayer and I am so grateful.

Not much has changed around here, but everything has changed. Nathan and I have finally clicked (not sure how to express this exactly) and we are truly Mother and Son now. I am his mom in the I-can't-live-without-him kind of way at long last. I must admit, I wondered if it would ever be that way. It has been a long haul but now my days are filled with moments of wonder as I look at my two amazing little boys in awe of what God has done.

The boys are finally both healthy (hip hip hooray as we say around here!) and we have had a fun week so far. We are still struggling with sleep but last night was, dare I say it, extremely good. The boys are sharing a room, both sleeping in toddler beds, and I experiencing something I have dreamed of for ages - sleeping back in my own bed!! Most nights I am still up frequently with Little Mister Matthew who is driving me crazy by waking up a ton of times screaming. But last night was a special treat and I only had to climb out of bed once! I hope that trend continues :)

Since we are up between 5:30am and 6:30am each day the mornings have been feeling very, very long. I have found some great blogs with activities and ideas for things to do with the boys. The mornings go much more smoothly, the boys are interested and learning new things, and we have a lot more fun together now.

Nathan doing some felt puzzles

We've been enjoying these last few days of Fall so much!

This may not seem like a big deal but trust me,

the fact that the boys are playing so close together

and Matthew is not screaming is MAJOR!

Nathan loves a new toy we recently got called "Wedgits".

He loves to build!

We have been doing a lot of sorting by color

and Matthew really enjoys our PopCubes

And last but not least, a picture of Littlest Man all dressed up for church on Sunday! Isn't he just the cutest thing ever? I am so glad the dark clouds have lifted and we are enjoying the sunshine at last!

My Sad Little Sicky

Our house has been full of sickness for three weeks...it kind of feels like THREE MONTHS!

When my poor little Matthew gets a sickness that makes a normal person sick for two or three days, he manages to stretch it out into a three week long sickness extravaganza! We have been to the doctor three times this month, the first two times being sent home with the "It's just a virus" statement. Yikes, that was not worth my $25 co-pay! So even though Matthew was up again today at 4am being sick, I kind of hesitated to take him in. I didn't want to be "that mom" who overreacts to things, but I was feeling like he was just too sick for this to be a virus.

I mean, he was even falling asleep on the couch (which he never does)

And the floor (which he never, ever does)

As a side note, yes his hand is stuck in his pants...little buddy gets super itchy when he's sick! So funny, and so sad!

Anyways, so I took him back in again and found out that he has ear infections in both ears and probably has strep throat :( I am relieved to know what's been going on with him and thankful to be able to do something to help him at last.

Cause I have missed this smile:

I'm feeling pretty optimistic that happier days are ahead. My Mom is here to help me this week which is so great. Nathan and I are finally finding our groove...that little boy has found his way into my heart and I am actually really thankful for these last few difficult weeks because of all the one-on-one time I've been able to spend with Nathan. I really needed that. Plus, after how difficult October has been, I am just SURE that November is going to seem fabulous :)

Hopeful

Today it feels like a refreshing breeze is blowing through my soul. There is nothing different or better about today - things are pretty much the same here. I was up with Matthew for several hours last night as he was throwing up again. Two weeks of this stuff and no end in sight. There is no reason I should feel encouraged, but I do. No reason beyond answered prayers, that is. This season of my life has brought me to my knees in a whole new way, as I slowly realize there is only One who can make a difference in my life right now. Nobody else can fix this, nobody can take away the difficulties or ease my heartache except Jesus. When I turn it over to Him, there is peace. The situation doesn't necessarily change, but my heart does.

"He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake." Psalm 23:3

Today I know that I will make it through this difficult season of my life and I will be able to say with confidence that God was faithful in every moment. I will make it through, and I will know more about His love, more about His goodness, more about Him. That will make this all worth it.

Want to see a few pictures that just make me smile?

This man of mine makes me smile so much :) This has not been an easy season for our marriage, but he is the love of my life and the best Daddy to these little boys and I am so grateful for him. The weekends are so great just because he is around.

I hope Matthew's smile returns soon...it is such a great smile!

Two little boys out for a walk. Getting out of the house is the only way I keep my sanity some days!

Playing in the leaves. Fall is my favorite time of year!

Another favorite - reading books! Nathan is starting to really get interested in books and now that he can hear his attention span is so much longer. I love that he doesn't want to just sit by you - he wants to be as close as humanly possible to you!!! Such a snuggler :)

Nathan loves shoes! He is always putting on my shoes (or slippers) or Brad's shoes and walking around in them with a huge smile on his face. So funny!

Nathan and I have been able to spend quite a bit of one on one time together these last few days since Matthew's been sick. When Brad gets home Nathan and I head out to the store or something for a little while and it has been so good for us to be alone together. He has been all smiles the last few days and I really feel like we are connecting at long last. Another wonderful answer to prayer! We have a long way to go but we will get there, together.

What to Say

I don't know what to say. I can't seem to post anything anymore because I don't have any words. Life has been overwhelming for the last couple of weeks. What do you say when you are just trying to make it through each day? When you are so tired you can hardly think straight? When you are struggling to bond with a child who is struggling to bond with you? When the only free moments you have come at 9pm at night, and you are too exhausted to put any words together?

I guess you don't say anything. That's kind of where I'm at. I don't know what else to say anymore because I can't believe we are still in the same place we were in four months ago. The lack of sleep, combined with the fact that I am still battling mono, combined with sick kids, was just about enough to do me in last week. I honestly didn't think I could do another day of this.

But something happened. God happened.

I think the hardest part of all of this for me has been the internal conflict. Wrestling with myself, seeing my own imperfections so very clearly, learning to surrender control to the One who holds me in His hands. Coming to terms with the fact that we followed God as He led us for this adoption, and He has taken us down a harder road than we expected. Knowing that hard does not mean wrong. I am so thankful that despite how difficult it has been I have felt such assurance that God brought Nathan to us, and he is meant to be my son. Clinging to that has helped when my feelings have tried to tell me otherwise.

Last week our house was not a place of peace. Our house was filled with anxious, yelling, unhappy people. Poor Brad would return home from work each evening and walk in the door with a look on his face that showed he wished he could turn right around and head back to work! And I didn't blame him one bit.

It didn't come all at once, but surrender came. I have never before been so at the end of myself, out of strength, unable to pick myself up or make things better. I'm so relieved and grateful to serve a God who meets me right where I am. I don't have to clean myself up, get it together, figure it all out before I come to Him. I can just come, and lay it all before Him, and know that He hears, and He cares, and He will help. That is what I am learning - to go to Him with everything.

I could not manufacture peace in my own life, but He has brought it. I could not force a bond between myself and Nathan, but He has given us some moments in the last couple of days that have moved me to tears because they're so beautiful. Tiny little arms hugging tight around my neck. The way my heart flip-flops to see Nathan's smile when I enter the room. The smallest things that no one would notice - that I wasn't even noticing. A growing feeling in my heart that he is my son and I am his mother. No matter what.

So that's where I'm at. Still taking it one day at a time. Still learning to trust my Father with everything. Still failing a lot. Still here.

This weekend brought us the first sickness of the Fall.

Friday night Nathan was burning up with fever.

Then the other fun stuff began...I'll spare you the details :)

I have never seen Nathan so still or so quiet.

There were lots of snuggles and kisses for our sweet boy.

And I must admit, I didn't hate that part of the weekend :)

Still, I felt so bad for him.

Sunday afternoon was Matthew's turn.

He is the opposite of Nathan when he's sick - it's like they reverse roles!

Matthew is crabby, loud, crying, screaming.

Thankfully, he also slept a lot!

Poor baby was so pitiful this morning, just lying on the couch watching hours of Thomas the Tank Engine.

It was about 4pm this afternoon when I finally looked outside.

Talk about a perfect Fall day!

Blue sky, leaves changing color, not too cold...I just had to be out there!

Nathan has been doing better today, so he and I headed out for a stroll.

I pushed him in the stroller for a while, then set him free to get a little exercise.

He helped push...

and enjoyed the sights...

and of course, as with every walk we take, sat down on the sidewalk for a rest!

and we just had a grand old time!

Thankfully both of the boys seem to be feeling better, and so far Brad and I haven't caught that nasty little bug. I am hoping and praying it stays that way!