Remember

There were times in recent months when I just wanted this year to be over. As far as I was concerned, 2011 was a bust. I thought that maybe if I could survive to the end of the year, somehow things would be miraculously better. I wanted to forget this year and wipe it from my memory. I didn’t want to think about it, and I didn’t want to remember.

2011 was a year of tears.

It was a year filled with happy tears as prayers were answered and a new little boy joined our family.

It was a year filled with tears of desperation, struggle, and sadness because life wasn’t working out exactly how I’d planned.

At times, it seemed like the difficult times outweighed the good ones, and this made me want to forget and put it all behind me. There were many times when I consciously chose to not take photographs because I didn’t want to have something to remind me.

But lately, I’ve been realizing something. Not only do I need to not forget this year, but I need to do the exact opposite – I need to remember.

I need to remember, not just the hard times, but what the Lord has done. All throughout Scripture, God says over and over to us…”remember…remember…remember…”, because He knows that we are prone to remember the hard times but not how He worked, or to remember the good outcome but not how we got there. I think He wants me to remember both. Remember how hard it was, and how He delivered me. Remember the tired, zombie-like state I lived in for months, and how He sustained me every single day. Remember the things I learned about myself and my need for Him. Remember the way He has knit my heart together with Nathan’s, and that it wasn’t always that way. Remember how He made us a family, and filled our home with joy and laughter and peace once again.

Remember.

So, that is what I will think of when I think back on 2011. I will remember all that the Lord has done for me, how He carried me and helped me and how He never failed me, not even once. I will go into 2012 not knowing what is ahead, but with more confidence than ever that He is with me and He is enough.

It’s been a really good year.

A Very Merry Christmas

In four words, our Christmas was

relaxing, peaceful, restful, lovely.

There are moments when I am still shocked that Nathan is actually here with us. When we accepted his referral, we knew it was quite possible he wouldn't even be home by this Christmas. And yet here he is, home for six months, settled and such a part of our family that we can't imagine being just the three of us anymore. He brought such fun to our Christmas celebration! He and Matthew were very enthusiastic present-openers! There were (surprisingly) no melt-downs, no fighting, no tears, nothing but happy, content boys who were so very excited about everything they opened.

My family was able to be with us this year (except one of my sisters, and we missed her so very much). It is a rare thing for us to get to spend several days together and it was wonderful! Nothing was rushed, there were so many people to play with the boys and we drank more cups of tea than I can even say :)

We had our traditional Christmas meal, prepared mostly by my dad and Brad! Nathan and Matthew both devoured their food - they're fitting in just fine in this family :)

At times this Christmas season I have felt like my heart just cannot hold all the joy. Last year, we were waiting for Nathan and I just knew there was a hole in our family. I won't say that our family is complete yet, but I have such a feeling of it being complete for now if that makes any sense. Before Nathan came, I found myself always dreaming of having two little boys. Now, I just spend the moments watching my sweet boys and enjoying life as it is. God has blessed us in ways I could not even have dreamed.

This Christmas as we celebrated the birth of our Savior, I realized again the joy and the privilege of raising our children and getting to tell them the most amazing story - that the God of the universe, the Creator of all things, loved us enough to send His Son to earth, that He died for our sins and made a way for us to have a relationship with the Father. I love Christmas and the chance to focus on the birth of Jesus, but my prayer is that this will be so much more than a "once a year" celebration in our family. God has changed everything for us and we are so thankful to be able to celebrate that every single day!

Six Month Update

It is hard to believe that it has already been six months since Nathan joined our family! What an amazing, challenging, wonderful, difficult, blessed six months they have been.

On December 5th, we were thrilled to become Nathan's forever family as his adoption was finalized! Even though he has been ours since the moment they placed him in our arms, it is wonderful to know he is now legally our son as well. We can't imagine life without him!


This little boy continues to amaze me. When I think of all the changes he has endured these last six months, the doctors visits, two different kinds of hearing aids, learning a new language, adapting to a new culture...I am astounded how resilient he is. So many of our prayers have been answered as we have seen time and time again how he has taken each new change in stride. The last month or two has been so great - seeing Nathan really start to feel safe here, watching his personality emerge, realizing that he is relaxing and feeling so much more settled has brought so much peace to our family.

Nathan is so funny! He wants to do everything that big brother does, and lately that includes sitting on the potty. Little dude isn't even 2 years old yet and he keeps taking off his pants and his diaper and sitting on the potty! I am not sure I'm ready for this. He hasn't really got the hang of it at all, but he shakes his head "no" so seriously when I ask if he wants a diaper back on that all I can do is laugh and let him keep sitting on the potty!

As well as having his pants off, his new favorite thing is having his hat and shoes on. Like, all the time. Today he took a nap with his hat on, and no pants. Hey, whatever works!


My family lives in Canada, and until Nathan's adoption was finalized and we have his passport we have not been able to leave the States. It will still be a little while until we have his passport, so this weekend Matthew and I took a quick trip to Canada to visit my family. My sister Sarah has been studying in England for a semester and just recently came home, and Matthew was so excited to see her again. He kept saying, "I missed you, Sarah! I love you!"


One of my favorite changes that has occurred over the last six months is seeing these two little boys become brothers.

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I had moments when I wasn't sure it would ever happen. Matthew's dislike for Nathan was so strong, and I was really caught off guard by how aggressive he was with Nathan. Matthew, who let every kid take his toys at church, who had never pushed anyone or hit anyone, suddenly became this angry, grouchy little boy who pushed and hit Nathan all the time for no reason at all. Well, no reason except that he came and invaded Matthew's life, made Matthew have to share toys and his parents...you know, those reasons :) I can understand his anger, I just wasn't expecting it to be so strong or to last for so long.

But...

We have turned a corner. Matthew fell asleep in the car on the way to my parent's house and when he woke up, he looked over to where Nathan's carseat usually is and asked "Where's Nathan?". He seemed to really miss Nathan and was happy to see him when we got home! They have started to play together really well (of course they still have their moments, and I'm not expecting them to get along perfectly all the time - they are brothers!) and I keep catching these little moments when they are sitting together happily (no screaming!!!!).



The boys are both sick AGAIN but being stuck at home isn't nearly so difficult now that the boys are both pretty happy and able to play together. I find myself just sighing with contentment all the time these days, thankful for moments of peace, thankful for little boy smooches and hugs, thankful that we survived the last six months! It was worth going through the hard times to get to the other side, because the other side is oh so good :)

December Smiles

So far, December has been a month of smiles! I've got to tell you, these two boys are pretty stinking hilarious. The things that come out of Matthew's mouth have me laughing so much throughout the day, and Nathan is just turning out to be so silly - I love it! My new favorite thing is the way he answers questions. He just figured out how to shake his head and say yes or no and he is now the most enthusiastic question-answerer you ever did see! I make up questions to ask him all day long just to see his response :)

I feel like we are all finally settling into life as a family of four in a really wonderful way. Matthew took the little brother thing so hard and it has been a difficult adjustment for him. My heart hurts when I remember how sad he was for the first few months that Nathan was home. But truly, to see him now, and to see them together...I know that giving him a brother was the right thing for him and we are beginning to see just how wonderful that sibling bond is.

And Nathan...oh, my Nathan. He has stolen my heart. I can't even tell you how much I love this little boy. I will admit, I did not have the instant connection with him that I had with Matthew, but this slow-growing love is so deep I know without a doubt that he is my son. In some ways, the challenges we faced in bonding make our love now that much sweeter. The other night, Brad was giving Matthew a bath and Nathan and I were just lying on the couch while he had his bottle. He laid down, and I laid down beside him, and we just looked at each other, face to face about an inch apart. He tapped his bottle on my glasses, and just erupted in laughter. He touched my face with his hand, and suddenly I was reminded of a moment just 6 short months ago. It was our first day home, and I was on my knees in the bathroom, sobbing and able to only utter two words - "God, help." Tears came to my eyes as I remembered that moment, and saw so clearly how far we have come. I could not even have imagined how good life would be and I did not know then how much I would love this little boy.

Believe it or not, the nights are still hard. The boys have been sick a lot (as in pretty much constantly since the beginning of October) and we continue to struggle with sleep issues. Here's the thing, though: SO WORTH IT! Every sleepless night, all the frustrations we have faced, all of the challenges, every single difficult moment has been worth it. We are so blessed to be able to care for and love these precious boys. They are such gifts and my heart cannot thank God enough for bringing them into our lives.

Birthday Boy!

If you ask Matthew how old he is, he will answer you: "FWEE!!!!!"

Yes, my little baby turned three years old on Friday!

We were so excited to celebrate and it was lots of fun this year

now that he understands more about what is going on.

The big hit of the day: balloons!

I made a cake but it turned out kind of ugly so there will be no pictures here!

Brad's comment when he came in the kitchen to see the decorated cake:

"Oh, it doesn't look as bad as I expected!"

Thanks, hon :)

Cake decorating isn't my strong suit.

On the bright side, I think it tasted okay.

My favorite memory of the day came right before bedtime.

Matthew and Brad were watching Matthew's new train movie

while I cleaned up a little. When I came back in from the kitchen, this is what I found:

It was so funny how intently they were both watching!

Happy birthday to my amazing, funny, sweet boy!

You have blessed our lives more than we ever dreamed possible.

It's Easy to Forget

It's easy to forget that adoption is born out of terrible loss. It's easy to push that aside, to think of my joy, to remember my side of our adoption story and see how great it has turned out. It's easy to say things like, "They are so young; they don't understand," and, "They won't remember anyway." It's easy to think that because they are wanted and loved and have a family now, somehow that balances out with the fact that they have lost everything that is safe and familiar and home.

You know when it is hard to forget those things? At 2am when your child is screaming and sobbing and crying for his Omma. It would be easy to pretend he's saying, "Mama," but you know he isn't, because he is fighting to push you away with everything in him and reaching for someone who isn't here anymore. It would be easy to tell yourself that he just had a nightmare, that he's been home almost 6 months and surely he isn't still thinking of Korea. But if you saw the look on his face, you would know that isn't true. And you would never again say that he didn't understand what happened to him.

Thankfully, eventually the screaming stops, and he gives in and whispers a quiet, "Mama" as he leans into your chest. He is accepting that you are now his mama, but remembering that you weren't always.

In the morning, it is business as usual; smiles, hugs and a little boy who just won't let you out of his sight.

I wonder sometimes - is he afraid that I will disappear, too? I hold him more tightly and whisper a promise in his ear, telling him that I will spend my lifetime letting him know that he is mine, now and always.