It's Easy to Forget

It's easy to forget that adoption is born out of terrible loss. It's easy to push that aside, to think of my joy, to remember my side of our adoption story and see how great it has turned out. It's easy to say things like, "They are so young; they don't understand," and, "They won't remember anyway." It's easy to think that because they are wanted and loved and have a family now, somehow that balances out with the fact that they have lost everything that is safe and familiar and home.

You know when it is hard to forget those things? At 2am when your child is screaming and sobbing and crying for his Omma. It would be easy to pretend he's saying, "Mama," but you know he isn't, because he is fighting to push you away with everything in him and reaching for someone who isn't here anymore. It would be easy to tell yourself that he just had a nightmare, that he's been home almost 6 months and surely he isn't still thinking of Korea. But if you saw the look on his face, you would know that isn't true. And you would never again say that he didn't understand what happened to him.

Thankfully, eventually the screaming stops, and he gives in and whispers a quiet, "Mama" as he leans into your chest. He is accepting that you are now his mama, but remembering that you weren't always.

In the morning, it is business as usual; smiles, hugs and a little boy who just won't let you out of his sight.

I wonder sometimes - is he afraid that I will disappear, too? I hold him more tightly and whisper a promise in his ear, telling him that I will spend my lifetime letting him know that he is mine, now and always.