On the Road to Becoming a Family

When people ask how things are going, the answer really depends on what day they ask! We have had some really, really good days in the last week. We have also had some really, really hard days. I find my emotions to be all over the place at the moment. At times my heart is just singing and full of joy as I look at my boys. And at other times, I feel lost and overwhelmed and wonder how we are going to do this.

I know this is just all part of the process of becoming a family. We knew that bringing home Nathan when he was a bit older would be more challenging. The things that we are experiencing are normal and expected. But that doesn't make them any less hard.

He really is adjusting so well to life here, and I am so proud of him for the way he has bounced back already from such a huge change in his life. He is such a joy! He is showing already that he is beginning to bond with us, and it is so amazing to see how far he has come in just two weeks. We have had lots more smiles and giggles from him in the last few days, and the way he hugs so tight around my neck when I pick him up is pretty much the best thing ever.

I think the hardest part (for me) right now is that I am still not feeling well at all. I really would not suggest getting mono at the same time as bringing home a new 18-month-old!!! It has been very challenging, mentally and physically, for me to care for two little ones while feeling so sick. Brad has been amazing, but he had to go back to work two days ago. My sister has been helping me out every morning, and I don't know how I would have made it through the last few days without her. It is still hard, though, because in order to create a really secure bond with Nathan, Brad and I are the only ones caring for Nathan right now (as in holding him, feeding him, changing him etc.). We want him to know that we are the ones who will meet his needs; we are his Mommy and Daddy. So as much as people are helping us out, when it comes down to it I still have to take care of Nathan, and that has been hard.

Right now the boys are both napping in their bedroom. I am so thankful that Nathan will sleep in the crib during the day and that Matthew is napping well at the moment. Nighttime has been more difficult, and it seems that Nathan has a lot more anxiety in the night. Last night was rough as we were up for several hours with him. He is also getting 4 new teeth right now, which certainly doesn't help! I know that this will just be a process; it's just so hard that there is no manual, no real direction for how to handle this part of the adjustment, and we are just sort of making it up and trying to do our best. One day we will all sleep through the night in our own beds!!! It just might take a while.

I feel like we are definitely making progress, though. The other day at the store, I looked over at Brad pushing the two boys in the shopping cart, and I realized we really are a family. No matter what comes, no matter what challenges lie ahead, we will face it together and struggle through to the other side. The Lord brought us all together and we believe that He will not leave us now. I am so thankful for our little family and that Nathan is in our arms at last! We are very blessed.

Brothers

I think Matthew is finally figuring out

that having a little brother has its perks!

The Birthday Boy (Man)

A very special someone turned 32 today! As we celebrated Brad's birthday today, I spent a lot of time watching him when he didn't know I was looking, and thinking about the man that he is. Let me tell you a few things about him. With every year that goes by, I realize more and more what a rare thing it is to have a husband like Brad. He is a man of integrity and honesty, he cares for our family in so many ways, and he brings security and stability to our family.

The last two weeks have not been easy for our family - or for Brad. He has had to take care of so many things around the house because I have been feeling so crummy, and he has done it all without complaining. So many days, he has taken both the boys to the park or for a walk just so that I can rest. He has kept me laughing when I mostly want to be crying, and he has reassured me with his words and with his actions that we really will make it through this difficult time. He is a treasure (a manly treasure, I mean!) and I am so blessed to have him as my best friend and my husband.

I admire him for being the kind of father who really takes the time to teach and train his children. He doesn't just yell at them or get frustrated with them, he really gets down on the floor with them to talk to them and deal with misbehavior. He doesn't take the easy way out, and I see the way Matthew responds to him because of this. He is a really fun dad and our two boys so obviously adore their daddy!

I love this brave, caring, kind, funny, silly, wonderful man! I am so thankful to be walking through life with him by my side. Happy birthday, Brad!

{Just Pictures}

Bedtime Blessings

While there have been many challenges in the last few days as we've adjusted to life as a family of four, there has been one area that has gone so much better than we ever dreamed. We expected sleep to be a major issue for our little guy, but surprisingly this has been one of the easiest aspects of Nathan's homecoming. I hesitate to share about it because I know so many others have had such difficult times when they've brought home their children (and please know that we had a lot more trouble with Matthew - and still do!), but I wanted to share some of the positives and to show that not everything has been really difficult.

I am still shocked about this, but Nathan has been pretty much sleeping through the night since the first day we met him. This is incredible considering all he has been through and the fact that there is a 13 hour time difference between us and Korea! He is sometimes up once in the night but now we are only awake for a few minutes and don't even have to leave the bed to get him back to sleep.

It is kind of funny to me, but this adoption has shown me that I should never say never, because although I swore that I would never co-sleep (because I am such a lousy sleeper as it is), Nathan spends his nights comfortably nestled between me and Brad :) It was just so obvious to us from the very beginning that he needed to sleep with us. In Korea, he slept on a futon mattress on the floor with his foster mom. We could tell that he was confused and scared and sleeping with us just seemed like the natural and right thing for us to do.

For the first few nights when he would wake up crying, I would reach for him and he would climb right on top of me and fall back asleep. Then he started cuddling up to me or Brad; now he just sleeps between us. He seemed to need that reassurance that we were there with him and then he'd go back to sleep again.

And I have to say, when he is sleeping, I cannot stop staring at him! He has the most beautiful, softest skin ever. He has the sweetest little lips and is just so precious. I love the way he tucks up with his arms and legs under him!

We knew that we did not want to co-sleep forever (or even for that long if possible) but we want to make sure that Nathan is okay. We have been talking about trying the crib to see what happens but we didn't want to freak him out. Today Brad decided to give it a try (I love that man - he is always braver than I am!) and he took him in for his nap, put him in the crib, gave him his bottle, and laid down on an air mattress in the boys' room to see what would happen.

You know what happened?

Within minutes, he fell asleep! Without a single tear!

All our worrying for nothing! He was not at all bothered, took his nap in there and woke up happy. Crazy! I think we are going to keep putting him in the crib for naps and in a few nights hopefully he will be sleeping in there at nighttime too.

I am so thankful that he's a good sleeper. I am still feeling pretty bad from the mono and am having a hard time as it is - I can't imagine if he was up all night how I would manage. It is certainly such an answer to prayer and we are so grateful he's a good sleeper! Now maybe we can get him to teach Matthew how to sleep through the night...

Has It Really Only Been a Week?

Wonder of wonders - the two boys are both taking naps, Brad is sleeping too, and the house is so quiet I hardly know what to do with myself! It's a good problem to have :)

We have had a really good few days. I feel like every day is getting better and better, and although it's still exhausting, it's not overwhelming to the point where I feel like we won't be able to handle it. We are starting to take little trips out of the house which is good for all of our sanity.

This morning our social worker came for our first post-placement visit. We had a great time talking with her about Nathan and how his first week home has gone. It amazes me to look back to just a week ago and see how much progress he's made. It is already hard to remember life without him!

Here are a few pictures from the last week:

Our first family walk to the park

Our first meal at the table as a family of four

On Monday we had our roof redone (perfect timing, right?!?!)

The boys (all three of them) loved watching all the big trucks!

I couldn't believe it, but Nathan and Matthew both napped even

though there were 9 men pounding and sawing on the roof!

Daddy sure knows how to get Nathan laughing!

And of course we have to have some matching shirts :)

Our big trip for today is to go to the store to get some smaller shorts and pants for Nathan. He has a tiny little waist and no behind to hold up 12 months shorts! Time for a shopping trip! And maybe some more matching outfits :)

Getting to Know You

I was going to call this post "All About Nathan", but who am I kidding - it's only been a week and there is no way I know all about Nathan yet! But we are slowly getting to know this sweet little boy a little more each day, so I thought I'd tell you what we're discovering about this feisty baby boy :)

Well, first of all...he is feisty! He knows what he wants, when he wants it, and he will let you know what's on his mind! He's pretty strong-willed, very busy, plays hard and sleeps hard. He has one speed, and it's F-A-S-T! There are a few moments after he first wakes up that he'll let you hold him, and then it's go go go. We call him "Little Hurricane" because he dumps toys out faster than we can pick them up!

I know - he looks so innocent, right? :)

Now that he's settling in a bit, we are finding out what he likes to play with. He loves all the toys that have a billion pieces, and he likes them to be all over the floor! He loves the play kitchen and play food, the stackable cups, and the blocks. Knocking over a tower always gets a laugh from him.

He loves to push things, be it the shopping cart or little ride on toy. He likes to push Matthew around on it, but Matthew is not too sure about that. He's not much of a risk taker ;) We keep trying to convince Matthew that it's a good thing, and that it would be fun if he'd let Nathan push him around. He is not buying it!
Both of the boys share a passion for water - the tub and the pool are favorites. Of course, Matthew likes to barely get his hands wet in the pool, while Nathan continued to try to climb right in until I finally gave in, took his clothes off, and let him wade in his diaper!

Nathan loves Daisie (our dog), and follows her around most of the day. We're working on being gentle, but for some reason Daisie doesn't even seem to mind that she is smacked in the face every 7 seconds. She follows closely behind him and lays down right by him all the time. I think they're going to be good buddies!

We are not sure yet about Nathan's hearing, although it is obvious to us that he does have some hearing. He loves music and starts dancing whenever he hears it. It is my favorite! We are teaching him some signs and yesterday he signed "more" for the first time!!! I was so excited.

He has hated being strapped in to anything but we are making good progress with that. Today he screamed when we put him in the carseat, but then stopped once we started moving. He went for two rides in the stroller and seemed to really enjoy it. And for the first time since he came home, we got him to sit in the booster seat at the table for both lunch and dinner!

His eating is starting to improve and we are figuring out what he likes and dislikes. He loves rice, eggs, seaweed (which makes for one stinky little boy!), chex mix, cheese crackers, strawberries, tofu, and oatmeal. It is so strange feeding a child without food allergies. It is SO much easier!

He is starting to act much more relaxed and I love how excited he is to see each of us in the morning. After his nap today, I brought him out of the bedroom and Matthew exclaimed, "Nathan's awake!" and actually sounded happy about it! We are celebrating every little baby step around here :)

It is feeling like a much longer process for me to start feeling any sort of bond with Nathan, but gradually I see it growing and I keep reminding myself it's only been a week. I found it really hard to like him at first since he was just hitting and smacking me. My heart has softened so much towards him though, and my heart has just broken for him as I've seen him grieve so much. We have now gone two whole days without me being smacked, hit, or head-butted! He is sweet and cuddly and adorable, and I feel my heart melting when he smiles up at me.

I think we're going to be okay.

The Boys

Here we are on day five with two children, and I have to say it is starting to go much better. I can hardly believe it's only been five days; trust me when I say it feels like much longer!

We had a really good day yesterday. I would have to say that Matthew is not really all that thrilled with being a big brother. He is not mean to Nathan, but I think he is annoyed with him a lot and kind of perturbed that he's still here. Nathan is walking, and he is a busy, busy kid! Brad and I are tired out trying to keep up with him! This is a big change to us after having a mellow, quiet, calm child :)

Yesterday, though, there was about an hour and a half where both of the boys were playing with toys (near each other, if not with each other) and I felt a sense of relief to know that it is possible for both of them to be occupied and happy at the same time! We were able to clean up the house, unpack from our trip, and take a deep breath.

We have been trying really hard to make sure Matthew gets lots of one-on-one time still. He is clinging to Daddy at the moment, so Brad has been spending lots of time with him reading books, playing with his trains, and taking him to the store. This seems to be really helping, and hopefully is making him feel secure in his place in our family. It is such a big change for all of us!

Nathan has been much more relaxed the last couple of days and we have seen lots of smiles. He finally started taking a bottle from us which is wonderful. He is just a little peanut and we want to get as much nutrition into him as possible! At first he wouldn't even take a bottle from us (he is used to 2-3 a day) and then after a couple of days he would only take it sitting up and not looking at us. Yesterday morning I got his bottle ready, and he leaned right back in my arms and looked into my eyes! It may not seem like a big thing, but that is a big deal to me :) I think he is starting to trust us a little bit which is wonderful to see. Obviously it's going to be a long process.

It is amazing to see my two boys together at last. It's strange, but it is just how I pictured it! I am not really bothered too much that they're not best buds yet. Knowing Matthew's personality, this is kind of what I expected and I think it's just going to take a while for him to warm up to the idea of having a brother. Hopefully by the time they're teenagers they'll be good friends!

They are both sleeping at the moment and the house is so quiet. It is wonderful to have a moment to sit and think! Having two is way more work than I thought it would be!!!! But it is good, too. The love I feel for Nathan is growing stronger every day and I know God is knitting our little family together.

One Day at a Time

Where to start...I have asked myself that a lot over the last few days. I may as well just be honest and say that this has not been easy. In fact, these last couple of days have been downright difficult. Many tears have been shed from all of us as we begin to adjust to being a family of four. In the midst of that, we have seen glimpses of hope and at times I even let myself believe that one day it will be okay again. That totally sounds overdramatic...but it is the truth of where we are at right now.

Things went very well until we got on the airplane. Nathan is 17 months old, so he knows that his life has been dramatically changed. He wasn't asked if he wanted to leave his home, his comfort, the woman he thought was his forever mommy. He was just taken from it one day and put in our arms. And let me tell you, that really ticked him off. Who can really blame him for being mad at the world right now? I know I can't. But that doesn't really make this any easier.

When we got home (after the longest day of my life), Nathan was totally overwhelmed. He ran around the house screaming (sometimes mad, sometimes with glee as he explored) and was just totally overstimulated. I wondered if that was just his personality, if that's what we needed to get used to, but after a couple of days with him I am pretty sure it was just the shock of everything he'd been through. He has settled down considerably, although he is still a busy little guy :)

We decided pretty quickly that we were just going to hunker down at home for a while, just the four of us, and let Nathan have time to adjust. He gets totally overwhelmed when even one other person is around. Our house is a total wreck, making sure everyone gets fed at every meal feels almost impossible, but we are just not worrying too much about stuff at the moment and we are just playing with the boys, holding them, taking them out in the yard, and trying to survive. Yesterday was a big improvement on Wednesday, and today was a little improvement on yesterday, so I'm hopeful that things are moving in the right direction, but man is this hard.

In the midst of the hard, though, there are many moments of good. We have seen a lot of smiles from Nathan and he seems to be relaxing a little bit. Today he didn't scream or cry when he woke up, which we thought was a good sign :) Can you imagine going to sleep and waking up in different places all the time for days? It must have been so scary for him.

One last thing - speaking of sleep, this kid ROCKS in the sleep department. Seriously, he is already adjusted to the time change (from our first night at the hotel) and has been going to bed between 8-9pm and sleeping until 8-10am, waking up once for about an hour in the middle of the night. I can't believe this and I am so thankful. Mono and no sleep do not go well together, so I am amazed that we are actually feeling pretty rested. In an exhausted sort of way.

So, enough blabbering. Here are a few pictures of our little cutie pie :) Please note the airplane picture - that one cracks me up because it is not a good representation of how the flight went!

This last one has to be my favorite one ever. I have spent so much time over the last several days just staring at this little boy as he sleeps, praying for him, growing in my love for him, and believing that one day I will know him and love him and not be able to imagine my life without him. We're getting there, one day at a time!

Meeting Nathan {A Few Pictures}

There are so many more, but these are a start!

{A special thank you to my friend, Kelly, who took these beautiful photos!}

Late Night Happenings

It's 1am here, and apparently it's snack time :)

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

In My Arms!!!!

He is in our arms at long last! What a day this has been. I only have my iPod so this will be brief with lots more to come tomorrow, but for now let me say he is happy, content, smiling, curious, and just amazing!!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The First Time that I Saw Him

Two years ago yesterday, an amazing, life-changing email appeared in my inbox.

Four waiting children, four sweet, beautiful babies appeared on my screen.

My heart jumped, time seemed to stand still, and I wondered to myself,

Could this be it?

Was I looking at my child?

Could it be possible that I was going to finally become a mama?

We had to wait a week to see if we were to be matched with one of these precious babies.

It was one of the longest weeks of our lives.

We prayed, and cried, and hoped, and tried to protect our very fragile hearts from being hurt by disappointment once again.

But this time, there was no disappointment! The answer was YES!

That beautiful baby in the striped pajamas, he was ours!

I was his mom and he was my baby!

It was a dream come true, an amazing gift, the beginning of a story so good I could not even have imagined it.

At the time, I looked at that picture and saw a cute, chubby baby.

Now, I look at that picture and I see my son.

Words fail me as I try to express how much a part of my heart this little boy has become.

If you would have told me then that in just two short years I would be blessed with not just one son, but with two sons, I don't know if I would have even believed you. To see all that God has done takes my breath away.

He is writing our story, and I have given up trying to figure out what it will look like, because His plans are just way better than anything I could think up :)

We love you, Matthew! Being your Mom and Dad is one of the biggest blessings of our lives!