It's Hard to Find the Words

It's hard to find the words to describe how I felt when I returned from our home study meeting on Thursday to find my little Matthew in the beginning stages of a serious allergic reaction.  My first thought was, "This cannot be happening.  Surely it will stop on its own."

I gave him Benadryl and called Brad.  The red splotches under his eyes weren't going away.  They were getting worse, and his face was beginning to swell.  He was itching all over - his hair, his ears, his face.  The swelling continued, and the hives came.  All over his face, on his arms, down his neck.  I knew that anaphylactic reactions can go from bad to worse in a matter or minutes, and that his breathing could be affected really quickly.  I knew from our emergency action plan that I had to give him the EpiPen, but I stood holding it and crying, saying over and over to my sister, "I can't do this.  I don't want to do this.  I just can't do it."

But I knew I had to, so I did.  I jabbed it into his thigh, and as you would expect, he screamed.  It was strange, I was so focused on what I had to do that I didn't really hear him.  I remember hearing myself counting out loud to ten, and thinking to myself, "Oh that's good that I remembered to do that."  I always wondered if I would remember to do that.

When I took out the needle, I scooped him up in my arms and his crying stopped.  I grabbed the phone and called 911, something I have never had to do before.  The lady asked some questions, and I remember that I was shaking.  I am shaking now just remembering.  

In the distance I heard sirens, and some part of my brain thought how strange it was that those sirens were for us. After a few minutes, Matthew started to look better, and by the time the fire truck arrived the swelling had gone down and the hives were starting to clear.  The ambulance arrived soon after, and it was a little chaotic answering all the questions about what he had eaten, what he was allergic to, other medical conditions etc.  I was so thankful my sister Joanna was still with us (she had been baby-sitting for us while we were at our adoption agency).  

In the ambulance they started an IV in his foot - I think that was more painful for him than the Epi.  Soon after it was in, though, he fell asleep.  I guess the Epi, which is a shot of adrenaline, makes your heart go really fast, so after it wears off you can feel really exhausted.  I was so thankful he fell asleep and wasn't in pain.  

Brad met me at the hospital, and Joanna followed in our car.  Thankfully we're only a couple of minutes from the hospital, but we have always been told to call an ambulance if we use the EpiPen because if he does stop breathing they will be able to help, whereas if we're in the car driving it could be really bad.  Also when you arrive by ambulance you get taken right in.

After a few hours we were given some prescriptions and sent home.  Matthew still had hives on his face for a little while, but soon was up and playing as if nothing had happened.  I worried that he was going to hate me for hurting him, but he didn't even seem to remember.

The next day, our new *wonderful* allergist called to check on Matthew and to ask questions about the food he had eaten.  I was so frustrated because I had been so careful to make sure everything was safe.  I couldn't believe this happened when I was being so careful.  How could I ever make sure it didn't happen again?  

Our allergist believes it was the raspberries he had at lunch that caused the reaction.  Matthew has thrown up several times after eating strawberries (I'm not sure if he is actually allergic to them - he's never been tested for them) and I guess raspberries are similar since they're a berry with seeds on the outside.  So, no strawberries, raspberries, or blackberries for our little guy for now.

For the last few days I have been battling fear.  Every time he puts something in his mouth I wonder, is it going to happen again?  I feel confident now that I can give him the EpiPen, but I hope with all of my heart that I never, ever have to do that again.  It was the most frightening experience of my life.  

I am processing all of this and know that the Lord is going to have to help me overcome this fear.  I do not want to be paralyzed by it or consumed by it.  It is hard to know that it is out of my control, and that something could happen to Matthew.  But today at church I was reminded of Whose hands he is in - Almighty God.  I am learning to trust God in a deeper way each day.

I am so thankful that my sister was with me.  I am so thankful that we have medicine that can help a reaction so quickly.  I am thankful that all of the medical personnel we saw told me I did the right thing (I second-guessed myself so many times).  I am thankful that we had just seen a great new allergist and that he had given us a written emergency plan that told me the symptoms to look for and what to do.

Above all, I am thankful that I got to rock my little man to sleep tonight.  I am thankful that I got to kiss his cheeks and squeeze him tight and tell him that I love him.  I am thankful that my baby is okay.

Family Day!

One year ago today, my sweet boy was placed in my arms for the first time.  My memories of that day are so vivid that when I think of it, my heart starts to beat really fast like it did when I was waiting to see him arrive with his escort, and my stomach gets all fluttery with the remembrance of what it felt like to be so close to meeting my child and becoming a mother.  The emotions were incredible, and I remember thinking after that day how sometimes in life, you wait and wait for something special, but when the moment finally comes it does not live up to all you had dreamed it would be.  This day, my friends, was NOT one of those days!  This day was incredible, and so far beyond my wildest dreams.  

I remember the first time I saw him.  My first thought was, "He's so little!".  And I just couldn't believe he was all mine.  The wonderful escort handed him to me, and he laid his head on my shoulder.  I remember his smell, the feeling of him in my arms, and everything around me faded away.  I smiled and held him and just felt complete.  I was holding my child.

I cannot look at this photo, however, without remembering all he lost that day.  He lost the foster family who had loved him and cared for him.  He lost his security, familiar sounds and smells, everything he knew.  It is hard to think about that part of adoption, but it is all part of his story.  I look at this picture and he just looks so lost and little and sad.  It was an amazing day for me, but a difficult day for my little guy.

I could go on and on about how crazy I am about this boy, but you get enough of that in my other blog posts :)  I thought I'd share a few pictures from the last year - it is amazing to see how he has grown and to realize how much we have been through in the last year and how we have grown as a family.  

September 2009:  So in love!

October 2009: No teeth yet...but still a fabulous smile!

November 2009:  So happy playing with his farm.

December 2009:  Check out those cheeks!  I forgot how squishy he was!

January 2010: Learning some new skills!

February 2010: More new skills - walking and fishy lips!

March 2010:  Daddy and his Little Mister

April 2010:  I just can't get enough of this smile!

May 2010:  I can't believe it took us 9 months to get a picture of all three of us smiling!

June 2010:  Is it just me, or did he suddenly graduate from baby to toddler?

July 2010: Yep...more in love with this boy than ever!

August 2010: A summer favorite - bubbles!

September 2010: My handsome guy :)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

We had a weird Family Day around here.  Matthew and I had a low-key kind of day today after he had a very frightening allergic reaction yesterday that required me giving him the EpiPen, calling an ambulance and taking a trip to the hospital.  We are so thankful he is okay...I think I'll save the rest of the story for another day when the memories aren't so fresh.  Brad had to work late and got home right before Matthew went to bed, so hopefully tomorrow we can celebrate together a little more!  We praise God for our sweet boy and the unbelievable blessing he has been to our lives.  Every moment with him is  a gift!

What a Difference

What a difference a day can make!

Today was our first day eating egg-free, milk-free, nut-free, tomato-free, and citrus fruit-free...and we survived!  Here's the crazy part - when I was getting Matthew ready for bed, I realized that his eczema is gone from his stomach and his back (where he gets it the worst).  Gone.  I am hoping and praying so much that this is the answer we have been looking for!

What a difference a year can make!

Once year ago today I was anxiously pacing around my house trying to find something to keep me occupied while I waited for our travel call.  I was done with work and ready to be a mama.  One year ago today, the call came - our sweet boy would be coming in only three more days!  I had longed with all my heart for our waiting to be over, and finally God answered our prayers.  Matthew was coming home!

What a difference a weekend can make!

I love love LOVE being with my husband and my little boy.  It's just the best thing ever.  Brad and I had such a great time together this weekend, laughing about stupid things like having soaking wet feet and no change of shoes, eating all kinds of junk food but reminding each other that, after all, we were on vacation so it didn't really count...we just enjoyed being together.  And having the Little Mister with us only increases our joy!  He is such a blessing to us!

Here are a few pictures from the weekend:

(Happy boy at the hotel)

(Enjoying a long walk on Sunday morning - it was chilly!)

("Breakfast" at the hotel.  I use that term lightly!

I love that Matthew has figured out what it means when I say, "Smile!")

(Love this picture of Matthew and Brad at the beach)

(Of course we can't go anywhere with our trains...)

(Matthew had a blast on our walk and was nice and tired for the ride home!)

(This was our final destination on our walk - a beautiful old lighthouse)

(Matthew loved the waves and would have walked into the lake if we'd have let him!)

(He's still the one...love this man so much and am so thankful for six wonderful years together.  Looking forward to many more!)

(My first time seeing sand dunes!)

(Okay, now I know it looks like I let my baby play with a really sharp piece of wood, but...well, actually I didn't notice that it was so sharp until after I took the photo!  Oops!)

Welcome to Monday

It is hard to get back to real life after a wonderful weekend away! We had such a nice time together and we have the pictures to prove it! But they'll have to wait for now since I'm feeling too lazy to upload photos :)

Thankfully, Brad had the day off today so that he could go with me to see a new allergist (for Matthew) and also go to the dermatologist with us. We absolutely love the new doctor - he was so helpful and great with Matthew. He told us that we probably need to eliminate milk from Matthew's diet. This was not what I wanted to hear. I just got the whole egg-free, nut-free thing figured out and now I feel like I have to start all over again with figuring out what to feed him. He also told us to take out tomatoes and citrus fruits. I am wondering what is left at this point! It is overwhelming but I know it will be worth it if it helps Matthew feel better. I fear we are on the verge of another bad eczema flare up :(

When we got home I thought Matthew felt really warm so I took his temperature and it was 102.4! Poor baby is sick and was pretty miserable this evening. Brad and I were supposed to go to our adoption agency to go to a training class but we decided to stay home. We are going to the agency on Thursday for our first homestudy meeting (finally!). After talking about it a ton and seriously considering other options (changing agencies, trying infertility treatments again) we have decided to stick with our agency for a number of reasons. And despite the looooong wait we have in front of us, I really feel good about our decision. For today, anyway :). I am excited to start the process at long last.

So that's where we're at. Pictures tomorrow...I can't wait to share them!

What I Should Be Doing Instead of Blogging...

Oh my goodness...

We leave for vacation at 8am tomorrow...

It is now 10:45pm

and we are not even packed???

What are we going to do?!

Have no fear, Matthew!

Mommy is super hyper

and all kinds of excited

about the anniversary present

Daddy gave her tonight

(she might even use the word "stoked"

if she weren't so British)

And as soon as she's done playing

with her new iPod Touch

she'll get to the packing!

Then tomorrow we'll head to the beach

and have a wonderful time together

despite the rainy cold weather

that they're predicting!

Doesn't that sound like fun?

Yes, I think so, too!

I am so excited to celebrate

our sixth anniversary

by spending time

with my two guys :)

Today's Lessons Learned

Note to self:

1.  When heading to the grocery store for an exceptionally large grocery purchase, do not take your one-year-old son with you.  Especially if the store is under construction and everything has been moved to a new location.  Just don't do it.

2.  If for some reason you forget #1 and accidentally take the child with you, don't try to keep him occupied by giving him things like, oh, say, a container of blueberries.  He will drop the container and they will go everywhere.  

3.  Do not wait until half of your groceries have been scanned at the cash register before remembering that your wallet is in the car.  You will be quite embarrassed to have to run through the parking lot like a crazy lady and you will feel very bad for the people who were stuck in line behind you.  Always check for your wallet when you enter the store!

4.  If your child has his finger up his nose all the way up to his knuckle, and you remove it (for the thousandth time), he will instantly stick his other finger up the other nostril.  It is going to happen.  Be prepared.  Try not to laugh.

5.  Always buy yourself something yummy at the grocery store such as chocolate mousse.  When you get home and eat one (or two), you will feel much better!

One Last Zoo Trip

On Monday, since Brad was off work for Labor Day, we decided to head to the zoo with our friends Katie and JD and their two kids.  This will probably be our last zoo trip for the year, and we were glad we were able to fit in one last visit.  The kids loved the zoo (oh who am I kidding, I loved it too!).  We had so much fun and it was great to be out with friends.

This was Matthew's first time seeing a real live elephant!  You might remember me mentioning that he is pretty much obsessed with them, and his excitement at seeing one was obvious.  I tried to get him to look for a picture, but he wouldn't stop pointing at it and making his elephant sound!

I think this is the only picture I have from the whole day with all three kids looking!

Ah, yes, the family picture.  We try so hard to get pictures with the three of us where Matthew is actually looking at the camera.  Well, this time he looked...and at the last second he plopped his hand right on top of my head!  I must admit this is one of my favorite family pictures, though :)

We couldn't believe how cool the weather was.  It was sweatshirt and blanket time when we first arrived, but thankfully warmed up throughout the day.  This is my favorite time of year, and although I am a bit sad to see summer come to a close, I am loving being outside in this beautiful cool weather!

We love the zoo!

Research Project

I am so happy to report that Little Man is doing a ton better these days!  His skin has cleared up (thank you, oral steroid) and the itch seems to be controlled (thank you, antihistimine) and he is sleeping through the night again (thank you, wet pajamas!).  We are trying to be as diligent as possible to control his eczema, and although signs of it returning started to show up this afternoon, I am hopeful that we will be able to keep him more comfortable with our new routine.

Over the last couple of weeks I have been doing a lot of reading about food allergies.  I went to the library today and got out a stack of books and felt kind of like a college student doing a research project!  

I think that while I thought I was doing a really good job of keeping him away from foods he is allergic to (egg, peanut and tree nuts) it is actually possible that he has been getting them in trace amounts through some of his foods.  I have been learning more about the labeling laws here in the States and learning how to better read a food label, and I didn't realize that they do not have to label it and say if it was made in a facility that also produces other foods.  Because of this, it is possible that he has eaten foods that don't contain eggs, but that were processed with eggs, which could be a problem.  We are going to take the next month and be crazy careful with what we give him to see if that makes a difference with his skin.

I am happy to do anything to make my boy feel better.  I have the overwhelming "what do I feed him" feeling trying to creep over me today, but I refuse to let it take hold.  I am ordering a new cookbook, I will be cooking a lot more from scratch (we have gotten away from this a bit as we found foods we thought were safe), and it will be more work...but oh so worth it if we can keep Matthew from dealing with the issues he has been having for the last couple of months.  

The last few days, now that he is sleeping and eating really well again, he has been such a happy boy!  I mean, look at this smile!  Can't you tell he is just feeling great?!?!

(I love this picture below...it looks like Daisie told him a really funny joke or something!)

It does my heart good to see him so happy and healthy.  I hope and pray it lasts!

The Best Summer

It's in the air...

Fall is on its way!

This weekend the weather was cool and crisp,

Just how I like it.

The leaves are starting to change.

Yesterday we had to wear jackets

and long pants.

I love Fall!

It's my favorite season.

But this year, I must admit...

I think

we're gonna miss

all things summer!

It's been a wonderful summer,

the best I can ever remember.

On My Mind

This morning we were up nice and early (not my choice!) and I had quite a bit of time around the house before we went out to see a friend, so I spent some time cleaning up the kitchen.  I had made some special cookies last night that I planned to take along with me - they had no egg in them and were safe for Matthew to eat.

We went to my friend's house for a playdate, but when I arrived, I couldn't find the cookies anywhere.  Oh shoot, I thought to myself, I must have left them at home.

When I got home, I walked into the kitchen and marveled at how clean it was.  Who did this? I wondered.  Did Brad stop home for something and clean it up?  

Oh wait, it was me.

I looked for the cookies everywhere but I have absolutely no idea where they could be.  A big tub of cookies - gone.  My best guess is that I set them on top of the car while loading Matthew into his carseat and forgot to put them in the car before heading out on the road.  Sigh.  I hope someone enjoys them :)

Yes, my brain is not working well today.  What's on my  mind?  I guess a conversation I had with our social worker last night has me a bit preoccupied.  She called to set up our visits for our home study, and we got talking about the Korea program.  I didn't realize it, but the Korea program (with our agency at least) seems to be slowing down and has been for a while.  We waited 10 months from home study to Matthew's referral - now it is a possible 24 month wait.  

Wow.

I was blown over by this.  I didn't expect it, I didn't realize it, I was not prepared for that kind of a wait.  And truthfully, it sent me into a minor meltdown last night.  

All I want is to have a house full of children.  I love being a mother.  It is the most wonderful thing I have ever done.  I know without a doubt that I want more.  And to realize it may take such a long time to even bring home our next child was really discouraging.  Of course, it may not take that long since we are open to some special needs.  But it might be that long, and last night I just felt like I couldn't handle that kind of wait.

I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep after that conversation, so I spent some time with God and pretty much told Him how unhappy I was about the whole thing.  I hate how long adoption takes.  I hate that it seems to be so easy for so many other people to have children, but so hard for us.  I don't want to wait again.  

How thankful I am to serve a God who is compassionate and gracious.  Even when I am so self-centered and having a big old pity party, He is there to comfort me and to remind me of truth.  The truth is, His timing is always best.  The truth is that even when my circumstances don't feel good, He has allowed them for a reason and He will not abandon me.  The truth is that He sees the end of this journey, and He is wiser and knows more than I ever will.  He knows what is best for me and He can be trusted.  I thought I'd learned this lesson, but it looks like I am signed up for the refresher course :)

After spending some time with the Lord I felt peace about this adoption once again.  I must admit, I still do not particularly want to wait.  I know there will be days when it will feel unbearable.  I also know that God will be there with me on those days, and He will be my strength and my help.  

It's still on my mind, but I know I can trust Him.  He will see us through!

Now if only I had a cookie to munch on...

My Boy

21-months-old

Easy-going

Content

Serious

Quiet

Funny

Playful

Happy

Smiley

Mellow

Laid-back

Calm

Sweet

Inquisitive

Patient

Adorable

Squishy

Kissable

Gorgeous

Remarkable

Special

Lovable

Mine!

All Mine!

(I just had to share...last night at dinner I asked Brad how he would describe Matthew.  Without hesitating he said, "Super Awesome!".  I laughed and explained that I meant his personality...but I loved his answer and totally agree!)

Feeling Inspired

We've had a few lovely, lazy summer days around here!  Nothing much has been happening (hence the lack of blogging), but it's been so great to have a happy, healthy boy again and we have just been enjoying playing and sticking close to home.  We're working our way back to a normal schedule again and I am breathing a sigh of relief.  Sleep is a good thing for sure :)

Getting sleep has helped with the energy level and I've been inspired lately to get out and get moving again.  I've backed off the running recently because of knee pain but have returned to something I just love but haven't done for years: rollerblading!  I have been a rollerskater/rollerblader since I was about 6 years old and it is one of my favorite forms of exercise.  I was so excited recently to find a new friend who also loves it!  We have only gone a few times together but each time we have done 10-13 miles, so it's a good workout.

I have also been feeling inspired around the house.  After seeing Wendi's blog recently about her meal plan, I totally stole her idea and starting writing our weekly meal schedule on a white board in the kitchen.  It has made life so much easier since it reminds me what to get out of the freezer, when to put something in the crock pot, etc.  I am enjoying being a little bit more organized in this respect :)

Matthew is back to himself and has been loving some new (old) toys that I brought up from the basement.  They are new to him, but they are not new toys at all!  This cash register is from my childhood, and it's his new favorite!  It took him a couple of days to figure it out but now he's got the hang of it.  He is growing and learning so much!