It's Hard to Find the Words

It's hard to find the words to describe how I felt when I returned from our home study meeting on Thursday to find my little Matthew in the beginning stages of a serious allergic reaction.  My first thought was, "This cannot be happening.  Surely it will stop on its own."

I gave him Benadryl and called Brad.  The red splotches under his eyes weren't going away.  They were getting worse, and his face was beginning to swell.  He was itching all over - his hair, his ears, his face.  The swelling continued, and the hives came.  All over his face, on his arms, down his neck.  I knew that anaphylactic reactions can go from bad to worse in a matter or minutes, and that his breathing could be affected really quickly.  I knew from our emergency action plan that I had to give him the EpiPen, but I stood holding it and crying, saying over and over to my sister, "I can't do this.  I don't want to do this.  I just can't do it."

But I knew I had to, so I did.  I jabbed it into his thigh, and as you would expect, he screamed.  It was strange, I was so focused on what I had to do that I didn't really hear him.  I remember hearing myself counting out loud to ten, and thinking to myself, "Oh that's good that I remembered to do that."  I always wondered if I would remember to do that.

When I took out the needle, I scooped him up in my arms and his crying stopped.  I grabbed the phone and called 911, something I have never had to do before.  The lady asked some questions, and I remember that I was shaking.  I am shaking now just remembering.  

In the distance I heard sirens, and some part of my brain thought how strange it was that those sirens were for us. After a few minutes, Matthew started to look better, and by the time the fire truck arrived the swelling had gone down and the hives were starting to clear.  The ambulance arrived soon after, and it was a little chaotic answering all the questions about what he had eaten, what he was allergic to, other medical conditions etc.  I was so thankful my sister Joanna was still with us (she had been baby-sitting for us while we were at our adoption agency).  

In the ambulance they started an IV in his foot - I think that was more painful for him than the Epi.  Soon after it was in, though, he fell asleep.  I guess the Epi, which is a shot of adrenaline, makes your heart go really fast, so after it wears off you can feel really exhausted.  I was so thankful he fell asleep and wasn't in pain.  

Brad met me at the hospital, and Joanna followed in our car.  Thankfully we're only a couple of minutes from the hospital, but we have always been told to call an ambulance if we use the EpiPen because if he does stop breathing they will be able to help, whereas if we're in the car driving it could be really bad.  Also when you arrive by ambulance you get taken right in.

After a few hours we were given some prescriptions and sent home.  Matthew still had hives on his face for a little while, but soon was up and playing as if nothing had happened.  I worried that he was going to hate me for hurting him, but he didn't even seem to remember.

The next day, our new *wonderful* allergist called to check on Matthew and to ask questions about the food he had eaten.  I was so frustrated because I had been so careful to make sure everything was safe.  I couldn't believe this happened when I was being so careful.  How could I ever make sure it didn't happen again?  

Our allergist believes it was the raspberries he had at lunch that caused the reaction.  Matthew has thrown up several times after eating strawberries (I'm not sure if he is actually allergic to them - he's never been tested for them) and I guess raspberries are similar since they're a berry with seeds on the outside.  So, no strawberries, raspberries, or blackberries for our little guy for now.

For the last few days I have been battling fear.  Every time he puts something in his mouth I wonder, is it going to happen again?  I feel confident now that I can give him the EpiPen, but I hope with all of my heart that I never, ever have to do that again.  It was the most frightening experience of my life.  

I am processing all of this and know that the Lord is going to have to help me overcome this fear.  I do not want to be paralyzed by it or consumed by it.  It is hard to know that it is out of my control, and that something could happen to Matthew.  But today at church I was reminded of Whose hands he is in - Almighty God.  I am learning to trust God in a deeper way each day.

I am so thankful that my sister was with me.  I am so thankful that we have medicine that can help a reaction so quickly.  I am thankful that all of the medical personnel we saw told me I did the right thing (I second-guessed myself so many times).  I am thankful that we had just seen a great new allergist and that he had given us a written emergency plan that told me the symptoms to look for and what to do.

Above all, I am thankful that I got to rock my little man to sleep tonight.  I am thankful that I got to kiss his cheeks and squeeze him tight and tell him that I love him.  I am thankful that my baby is okay.