What to Say

I don't know what to say. I can't seem to post anything anymore because I don't have any words. Life has been overwhelming for the last couple of weeks. What do you say when you are just trying to make it through each day? When you are so tired you can hardly think straight? When you are struggling to bond with a child who is struggling to bond with you? When the only free moments you have come at 9pm at night, and you are too exhausted to put any words together?

I guess you don't say anything. That's kind of where I'm at. I don't know what else to say anymore because I can't believe we are still in the same place we were in four months ago. The lack of sleep, combined with the fact that I am still battling mono, combined with sick kids, was just about enough to do me in last week. I honestly didn't think I could do another day of this.

But something happened. God happened.

I think the hardest part of all of this for me has been the internal conflict. Wrestling with myself, seeing my own imperfections so very clearly, learning to surrender control to the One who holds me in His hands. Coming to terms with the fact that we followed God as He led us for this adoption, and He has taken us down a harder road than we expected. Knowing that hard does not mean wrong. I am so thankful that despite how difficult it has been I have felt such assurance that God brought Nathan to us, and he is meant to be my son. Clinging to that has helped when my feelings have tried to tell me otherwise.

Last week our house was not a place of peace. Our house was filled with anxious, yelling, unhappy people. Poor Brad would return home from work each evening and walk in the door with a look on his face that showed he wished he could turn right around and head back to work! And I didn't blame him one bit.

It didn't come all at once, but surrender came. I have never before been so at the end of myself, out of strength, unable to pick myself up or make things better. I'm so relieved and grateful to serve a God who meets me right where I am. I don't have to clean myself up, get it together, figure it all out before I come to Him. I can just come, and lay it all before Him, and know that He hears, and He cares, and He will help. That is what I am learning - to go to Him with everything.

I could not manufacture peace in my own life, but He has brought it. I could not force a bond between myself and Nathan, but He has given us some moments in the last couple of days that have moved me to tears because they're so beautiful. Tiny little arms hugging tight around my neck. The way my heart flip-flops to see Nathan's smile when I enter the room. The smallest things that no one would notice - that I wasn't even noticing. A growing feeling in my heart that he is my son and I am his mother. No matter what.

So that's where I'm at. Still taking it one day at a time. Still learning to trust my Father with everything. Still failing a lot. Still here.