Night Night, Sleep Tight

It's late

(not college-student late, but Mom-of-two-little-boys late).

You know, 10pm.

The house is quiet. Finally quiet.

I've been thinking about all those sleep training books I've read.

The ones that were supposed to have all the answers for getting them to sleep.

I want my money back.

Here's the thing.

Those books are great, and I really did get some helpful ideas,

things that changed how we've worked

and I think I might have lost my sanity in those early days

when Nathan was first home

had we not had some practical help for getting everyone to bed.

But those books are missing something.

They don't take into account a few things,

important things,

that are messing with our sleep.

A lot.

They don't take into account chronic sickness,

or your kid waking up crying every night with headaches

or itchiness,

or lots of other goodies

that lead you to have to change the sheets :)

(we have one of these kiddos living in our house!)

They don't take into account loss,

and adoption,

and children who are living in their fourth home

in two short years.

They don't take into account

children who spent many months

comfortably sleeping beside the person

that they thought was their forever mama,

only to lose her one day and be thrust into a new world.

(we have one of these kiddos, too)

All these dynamics make sleep, well...elusive.

We have had our ups and downs,

and we are in a better place than we were 8 months ago,

and sometimes, like tonight,

I am somehow not bothered that much

by the fact that in those last 8 months

I have only slept through the night

3 times

(but who's counting?)

I'm letting go.

Of my need to have things go according to plan.

Of my feeling of "I deserve" and "It shouldn't be like this"

Because it just is like this.

It is just waking up to care for a little boy

who is hurting and needs his Mama.

Do you know how glad I am to be the one he wants?

So glad.

It is waking up to bring the littlest one into bed with us

in the middle of the night.

Again.

Every night.

And hearing him sigh as he snuggles up next to Brad,

as close as he can possibly be, because he feels safe and loved.

It's been a funny 8 months.

Not like, ha ha funny.

More like,

wow-this-isn't-what-I-expected-but-it's-actually-kind-of-great, funny.

Loosening up,

learning to see the gifts,

and able to function

on way less sleep than ever before!

So worth it.

I really should get to bed now,

it's almost time for me to be woken up again!