The Middle of the Night

Even before he lets out a cry, I know it is coming. Something about the way he breathes or moves wakes me up, and I roll over waiting for that inevitable sound that stirs my heart in a way I have never experienced before. Even though for years, the sound of the dog whining has failed to rouse me to consciousness, the sound of my baby has a very strong power. And so I wait, and I listen.

He has different kinds of cries, and I learned pretty early on what some of them mean. He has an "I'm wet!" cry, he has an "I'm just rolling over but don't worry, I'll be asleep again in a minute!" cry, and then he has his "Oh mama I just need you right now!" cry. That one pierces my heart with such force that even though I love my sleep, I manage to stumble out of bed to draw him into my arms, offering comfort and words of love. I'm not sure what brings on this cry - could it be his teeth? or a nightmare? or is he still grieving? It is hard to know what causes it, but one thing is sure - he needs me, and it is my greatest joy to be able to take care of him and comfort him.

I thought the nighttime stuff would be hard, and truth be told, sometimes it is. So hard. Sometimes Brad comes out to the living room after Matthew has been crying and crying, and he finds that his wife is crying too! It is hard to be so tired, and to not be able to fix whatever is upsetting your baby.

But sometimes...sometimes holding my baby in the middle of the night is the most amazing and fulfilling thing I have ever done. Sometimes my heart leaps when I hear him wake up, because I get to see him again, if only for a few moments (usually I hope it is only for a few moments!).

I creep into his room, speak his name, rub his back and tell him that mama is here, and it will be okay, and I love him. And he lifts up his head, and reaches for me, and I hold him to my chest and whisper secrets to him about how precious he is. He wraps his little arms around my shoulders, sometimes patting me on the back as though he were comforting me, and slowly his cries ease and his tears stop. Sometimes he is ready to go back in his crib, but sometimes I'm not ready for him to go back just yet! So we snuggle in the chair, wrapped up in a blanket, and we rock and hold on to each other until his breathing changes and his body relaxes and I know that he is once again asleep. I stroke his hair, and breathe in deeply to smell the wonderful baby scents that are so strong at night. I think about how I used to long for this moment, and I thank God that the waiting is over and my sweet boy is in my arms at last.

I know these moments won't last forever, and one day he won't need me to hold him in the night. But for now he does, and I am so thankful to be the one holding him.

Even if it is the middle of the night!