I had this happy, perky post going around in my head today, but...well, to be honest, I am just not feeling that perky. So that one will have to wait while I share a little bit about what is on my heart today.
I have always been a worrier. For as long as I can remember, I have worried and been anxious about anything and everything. This has been something I have struggled with my whole life - I remember as a little girl how I would get sick to my stomach at recess because I was so worried about having to go and play with friends. That is some hard core worrying!
The Lord has been dealing with me on this issue for a long time now. In some ways, I know I have gained victory in this area because I no longer get physically ill when I'm worried about stuff. But in other ways, I feel like I am just starting the journey.
About three days after Matthew came home, I experienced the deepest fear I think I have ever felt. I suddenly realized how completely in love with this little boy I was. I realized that if something happened to him...it would tear me apart. I realized that as much as I sometimes wish I was, I am not in control of everything in life. And that scared me. A lot. What if he gets sick? What if we are in an accident? What if someone takes him? What if....? And the list goes on, and on, and on.
I read on someone's blog once that it is even harder to trust the Lord with your child's life than with your own life. I think that is so true. This is what it comes down to - do I trust the Lord, even with this little one who I love so much?
I had just come to the conclusion that yes, I did trust Him and would let go of this fear...and then Matthew got sick. And then we found out about his allergies. To be honest, I have been struggling mightily these last few weeks. To know that something as stupid as a peanut could hurt him so badly, or even take him from me...it is frightening. To know that someone else might accidentally give him something with peanut or another nut in it makes my stomach go into knots. To know that I might accidentally do it...I don't even have words for that thought.
Now I know that there are many, many worse things we could be dealing with. I really do know that. In the big scheme of things, this is not the end of the world and I know that in time this will be our new "normal". As I work through it, though, it is scary. I am learning that I have to let go or I will drive myself crazy with worry. I have to decide if I truly believe what I say I believe. Do I really believe there is a God who is in control? Do I believe that He is good? Do I believe that no matter what happens, He will not leave me or abandon me? Yes, I do. My faith is being challenged, but in a good way I think. Growth is hard, but good. I have to trust Him.
Tonight Brad and I prayed for our sweet little Matthew. He is still struggling, and we don't know why. He continues to turn red on his face and arms almost every time he eats. Today it was worse than it has been and even Benadryl didn't seem to calm it down. It is obvious that he doesn't feel well. We don't know what to do...but we know the One who knows everything about our little guy, inside and out. We prayed for wisdom, and answers, and help. And we know that our God hears our prayers and will help us.
This verse has been on my heart a lot lately. Tonight I have peace because I know that my God can be trusted.
"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal."
Isaiah 26:3-4
9 comments:
This is hard. Praying for you. Praying for the docs to also find out why he is still having these reactions when he eats.
Great post. A good reminder for me.
i will pray for peace and rest for you and i'll be praying for little matthew. it's got to be soooo hard to see your little boy not feel well :(
I understand - really alot.
And I will continue to pray for your sweet little guy.
Love you friend. Praying you will find the answers you need and that God will protect Matthew.
I TOTALLY understand the worrying! I am so sorry things still aren't quite right. I am praying! How awesome that we can call on the One who knows all and can do all! Love you!
Oh I can't imagine. It's true what they say, your child is like watching your heart walk around outside your body.
Do you have a chiropractor you could ask about his allergies? Some {who practice with Kinesiology}, also work with allergies....it would be worth a try.
Oh, how I feel for you. I can't tell you anything about being a mother but you have such a great attitude about it. You are keepin your faith and God will bless you for it. I'll be praying for your family!!
This must be so hard. I'm glad you wrote about it. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Thinking & praying for you all as you work through this together. Wishing you peace & good days ahead...to rest your mind & heart.
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