This week I watched the video of Nathan from last November for the first time since...November. Until now, I could not bring myself to watch it again. It makes it too real, too painful, the wait too long. I feel so much guilt about that, but it is what it is. This week I watched it, and I cried, and I smiled, and my heart filled up so much as I realized that is my son!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I went a little crazy and had way too much fun shopping for Nathan's care package. I tried 6 times but I can't fit it all into the gallon ziplock back I have. I think I need one with a zipper...I'm sure then I can make it fit. :)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Tonight my heart was heavy as I ordered a bunch of books for Matthew. Books about adoption. Books about food allergies. Adoption is beautiful, but it's hard too. I hate that Matthew is going to have to wrestle through some difficult things in his life. I know there will be questions ahead and sometimes I wonder how I will handle that. It is part of his story, and we will always be honest with him. I pray we will have wisdom as we walk this road as a family.
And then there's the food allergies...that just makes me mad. Tonight I feel mad that I have to teach him that he can't just eat anything because it can make him really sick. I hate that I'm ordering books about an elephant who can't eat peanuts (even though he is going to love it because it's about an elephant!). I hate that this is a part of his life. I wish I could take that from him. I hate that he is going to have to go to school and deal with this. I hate that I won't always be there to protect him, and I know without a doubt this is going to take some major trusting in the Lord because honestly, I just want to freak right out when I think about it. I wish I could fix it but I can't. And so I order books and I take a deep breath and I pray and let go. Again.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I'm thinking of quitting this half marathon training. I am really not sure I can do it. Several weeks of sickness and a serious lack of sleep have killed all motivation I had and I just don't know if I can keep up. I don't know what to do. I missed my run yesterday and felt like I could have done it today, but I didn't have time. Advice?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
That's all I've got. Phew. Feeling much better to have that all out!
8 comments:
Heavy load, mama... first off, go easy on yourself! I'm so impressed with what you're doing! Getting books about adoption and food allergies? So, so great.
As for the half marathon... if you're already having trouble motivating yourself this early in training, I would cut my losses (if I were you) and pick a shorter distance to train for. Find something you can be excited about. Because no one wants to work on something they dread every single time they do it. And running should be *fun*. My two cents... do with it what you will.
And btw, this post inspired me to rattle off my own concerns tonight. So thanks for being my gateway! ;)
Oh Rachel - we are quite a pair this week, aren't we? I wish I could just reach out and give you a hug. Hang in there. Know that I am thinking of you, praying for peace and guidance, and wishing Nathan home soon soon SOON. We really should make plans to see each other soon!
Hugs for you. I think the video would be hard as well...
I know what you mean about the adoption books. I already read some to Khalil (and at his age he is way more interested in pictures of course) but I think about the questions he will ask when he's older, and how I'll answer them. And how he'll struggle. It's a lot to take in.
I really hope Nathan is in your arms soon. The wait must be so hard. :( I can't wait to see your two boys playing together and loving each other. I think big brother Matthew will be the greatest support for Nathan. :)
Crummy week my friend!
I pray for your Nathan to get home soon!!!
Train for the half marathon... whether you actually run it or not. You know you can do it, you were so close last year. If you feel like you are up to it and ready when race day comes, great! If not, you will still have gotten in a great amount of exercise that you ENJOY! Don't give in to discouragement... you are strong and YOU CAN!!
I'm glad you got this off your chest. I know you have a lot going on but I must tell you that you are one great Mama!
I get pretty anxious thinking of the questions that I know will come from D some day...and how I'll handle it. Kudos to you for being proactive on getting reading materials for handling this and other big issues for you son. You ARE a great Mama...don't you forget it!
Post a Comment