{Trusting}

When Matthew first came home, he loved the song Row, Row, Row Your Boat. I would sit him on my knee and sing it, and when we got to the "Life is but a dream" part I would dip him backwards, which would always cause him to laugh. This turned out to be a very handy thing once we tried to wash his hair in the tub. We would try dumping water on his head to wash out the suds, but it took forever and made him scream. So I decided to try a gentler approach, singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat and laying him back into the water at the end. It totally worked! Now we do that every single time and he lays back in the water without any fussing to let me get the soap out of his hair.

The other night I did this as I was washing his hair. For some reason, when I laid him back he just did not like it. He started to wriggle, and fuss, and then cry. I looked him in the eye and calmly told him that he was safe and I would not drop him or put him under the water. I don't know what I expected him to do (probably to keep fussing!) but suddenly he stopped. He looked in my eyes, heard what I said, and trusted me. He totally relaxed in my arms and let me wash the soap out.

I learned a lesson that night that has been going around in my head all week. Trust. I have been thinking about what it means when I say I trust God. I claim to, but do I live it? When I read the Bible, do I take Him at His word and believe that He will do what He says He will do? Does it make a difference to me when I am fussing about stuff in my life?

I have been so anxious lately about the whole adoption thing...and if I were honest, I've been struggling once again with the infertility thing. It seems strange to be even having thoughts about it again, after so long of it not being on my mind at all. I think that choosing to adopt again, in some ways to me means that I am choosing to not pursue pregnancy. I am okay with that, and it is what I want, but I think there is a part of me that will always just wonder. I have hesitated to even say it out loud to anyone because I fear that it will sound like I an unhappy to have Matthew as my son, which could not be further from the truth. I believe that once our next little one is home, I will once again look back and be so thankful that we were able to make the choice to adopt. I guess there is just so much unknown at this point - how long will it take? will the wait be hard again? A part of me has been really anxious about it and I have struggled with feelings very similar to when we started Matthew's adoption, which I did not expect.

Even as I vent about all my concerns and fears, I am reminded of the truth that I know, the truth that God showed me as we struggled with infertility and as we went through the long journey to adopt Matthew. God will not fail me. He is with me, and He is for me. He will help me and comfort me. I believe it, and I have experienced it in my life. I really thought I learned those lessons the first time...guess I'm a slow learner :) I'm so thankful that the Lord is so patient with me!