I feel a bit like I'm going through a mid-life crisis. Or maybe just an identity crisis!
I wrote the other day that I am getting back to life (back to some of the things I used to do before Matthew came home), but what I didn't say is how hard I am finding it. It is a strange thing. I used to know who I was, I felt pretty confident about my role in life and where I should serve or what I should do with my time. But now it feels like everything is different. I feel like I am not sure where I fit anymore. That is the thought that just continues to go through my head as I try to resume some of my previous activities. Where do I fit? All of the jobs/ministries I used to do have been taken over by other people, so even though I'm going back, I'm not really needed in the same way I used to be. Of course, I didn't think the world would stop spinning just because I had a baby and took some time off from things, and I understand that other people had to take over the things I was doing...but I just don't know where that leaves me now. I feel obsolete and I'm not sure what to do with that, other than pray for direction.
I realized the other night as I was driving up my driveway, and these thoughts were all swirling in my head, and I was having a bit of a pity party and an "ugly cry" (it was okay since it was dark and I was alone!) that I felt a sense of relief wash over me as I arrived home. Home, safety, comfort. Those are the things I feel when I get here.
When I'm home, I know who I am. I am a wife to a wonderful man who just gets me. I don't have to try to be something I'm not. He accepts it all - the good, the bad, and the ugly (cry). I never have to doubt that.
When I'm home, I'm also a mom. I feel comfortable in that now, and it is the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life. Every day I feel so blessed that I get to be at home with my little man, taking care of him, training him and loving him and teaching him. I feel like I have the best job in the whole world. And how could I not when I see this gorgeous face every day?
So I will continue to wrestle with all the changes in life...but I am so thankful that home is just the best place ever to be. It makes all the other stuff okay.
5 comments:
He is just too darn cute!!!!
It takes time to figure all this out~ it will come in time be patient with yourself! :)
Such a lovely, honest post. It truly does just take some time to figure it all out. Enjoy the now, and the rest will fall into place. Sounds like you have a good start :)
I definitely know how you feel...it is a battle of my "wills" at times....daily, really.
As I was reading this, I got the Daughtry song 'Home' stuck in my head...*to the place where I belong, where your love has always been enough for me*...
kind of cheesy, I know....
And he is soooooo cute, by the way. His big smile reminds me of my big cheeky Silas soo much!!
Rachel, I will be praying for you. I know that all of these transitions can be hard. You are doing SO good! Do you realize how many HUGE changes you have been through lately?! -Like a bajillion. You need to give your self some major slack.
Don't you just love it that God meets us right where we are at?
I knew this is what you were feeling. I was going to call you, but it was so dark driving home (they live in the middle of NO WHERE!!!) so I was praying.
I still am praying to my friend.
Love you.
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