There is a phrase that I hear fairly often when talking with people about adoption, or about general life things (such as how I feel about having a second child). I have heard it time and time again:
"Oh, it's the same when you have your own..."
Now, I'm really not one to stress over correct terminology, especially when it comes to adoption language. I think sometimes adoptive parents get upset about too many things and expect people to know the right things to say. I am certain that if I hadn't adopted, I wouldn't use terms like "birthmom" instead of "mom" or "real mom". So I don't get too bent out of shape when other people don't use the terms commonly used in the adoption world. (If you've said this phrase to me or are worried that you have said it...please don't worry about it!)
But this one, "your own", is one that kind of bugs me. I know exactly what people mean when they say it - they are referring to biological children. I know that, so I'm not mad at them when they say it. I know they don't mean anything by it, but somehow it still frustrates me, because it implies that a child is somehow more yours if you give birth to them. And truly, that could not be further from the truth.
Matthew is my child. Completely, totally, legally, forever all mine! I am convinced that I could not (and would not) love him more if I had given birth to him.
Last week at the bank, the teller was asking me about our adoption (which I love to talk about!) and she said, "So, do you really start to love him like he's your own?"
I truly almost started laughing because now the answer is so obvious to me that the question is almost ridiculous! But I didn't laugh, because I remember a time when I wondered the very same thing. Would I love him as my own? Would I feel differently about him than I would a biological child? I have never had a biological child, but somehow I know the answer anyway.
I just looked at Matthew, smiled, and said, "Yes. Yes, I love him as my very own."
7 comments:
I have 7 grandchildren 2 of whom are not biological I love them as much as the other 5 if our family did not have these 2 children in our lives we would not be complete. These two children have know other grandparents in there lives and as children look what they would be missing. So just because some children don't have biological parents grandparents or other relatives they still have uncondition love and that is all that matters
I try not to get in a fit about adoption terminology either, but "your own" is a phrase that bugs me. Because I have no doubt a child is just as much your own, regardless of the circumstances. And I have no Matthew is truly your own. :)
Great post Rachel-- we were just talking about this at the picnic-- when the phrase "real child" is used. :) What a great pic of Matthew to finish off the post. And you are right our kids could not be more our own if we had given birth to them. :)
I agree that this term "my own" is the one that gets me the most. I have found that I have less patience for family members when they use this term - those who have been on our journey with us. But anyway, I totally agree with your post - I don't know how I could love my children any more than I do and I know they are my own.
I would just say, about the other adoption terms, that I do get a little uptight about them when people are using them when my kids are around and hearing the conversation. We talk about adoption, etc with the kids, but they are really just starting to understand what this means and I don't like have others (family or strangers) ask about "their parents" when we are their parents (and because we have not shared info on the birthparents with anyone but the kids). But I do agree with you that if I had not adopted, I would probably use words and terms that aren't ideal. However, when my kids are around, I don't care if you don't know the right terms. My job is to keep it clear for them.
Great post! And I love that you wanted to laugh at the bank but just confirmed that Matthew is your own.
I can say from personal expereince that blood has nothing to do with someone being a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, ect. Even though my grandparents don't have the same blood running through their vains as mine, I could never imagine being loved or loving anyone more. Matthew has been, is, and will be "your own" forever, he will forever be my nephew and holds a place like no other.
It's funny... I always think that I wouldn't like a child that looked like me as MUCH as I love my adopted kids! Why do I want a kid that looks like me when mine are so cute just the way they are :)
I cannot imagine how hard it is to deal with some folks, while ignorant, completely left field comments. I know that is something we will have to deal with when we finally have our child home and I really appreciate you sharing your experiences and your responses as well! And I think YOUR child is precious!
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