Last night I couldn’t sleep. It was a bad combination of a long nap and the time change, but come 2am I was still staring at the ceiling with thoughts just rolling around in my head. My mind wandered to a blog post I had read recently written by Leah (fabulous blog I must say!) in which she shared her thoughts on infertility and if the pain of it ever goes away. I started to ask myself this same question, and thought about my feelings about our infertility now that we have adopted.
Here’s what I came up with. I think that the answer to this question is different for different people. [Disclaimer: Please don’t take this answer as if it’s how every person feels when they adopt after infertility. It is a complicated thing to go through and I am sure that other people may feel much differently than I do]. As for me, am I “over” our struggles with infertility? My answer: mostly yes, with just a little bit of no. Yep, it’s a nice clear answer J
I think the best way to explain it is to share an analogy that someone shared with me years ago when I was going through something very painful in my life, and I relate this very much to my feelings about infertility. When you have a cut or a wound and it bleeds, you feel pain. But as the cut heals, the pain stops. Still, even when the wound is completely healed, you may have a scar where that cut once was. You can remember that you were once in pain because of that cut, but you are not still feeling that pain.
That’s where I’m at with infertility. I remember so well the feelings and pain that came along with finding out that we may not be able to have biological children. I remember how deeply it hurt, and how so many situations in life brought pain. I remember crying when I saw pregnant bellies, fearing baby showers, feeling a lump in my throat as I passed by the baby department in a store…as I sit here writing it brings tears to my eyes to remember that period of my life.
The thing is, though, I don’t still feel that pain…because my life is filled with joy and a precious gift named Matthew! For me, the most difficult thing about infertility was that I so desperately wanted to be a mother. There was definitely grief over the thought that I would not get to experience pregnancy and could not have a child who was created from me and Brad, but having children was my heart’s desire. I think that is why we decided to pursue adoption after only 2 years of trying to start a family instead of heading down the road of infertility treatments. Having a child who was biologically ours was not as important to us as just having a child who was ours. And now we have that – a child who is completely and totally ours – and our hearts are so full!
Let me just explain the “little bit of no” statement, though. I think that a little part of me will always wonder (really it is more wondering than hurting at this point) what it is like to experience pregnancy and childbirth. A part of me sometimes wonders what it would be like to have a child who looks like me and Brad. Sometimes the “scab” over my cut gets bumped a little when I see someone who is pregnant or watch a mom with her teeny tiny newborn, and it hurts again. Infertility is a strange thing. Sometimes when I least expect it, the familiar hurt returns and I find myself wistfully thinking about what it would be like. But what is different now is that the pain doesn’t stick around long, because it is chased away by the smile of a little boy who I love more than anything!
One last thing. I used to pray and pray that we would get pregnant. Month after month, it was often on my mind and I just ached to be able to start a family with Brad. I remembered this only a couple of days after Matthew arrived, and I prayed again, and I was actually surprised to find myself thanking God for our journey through infertility, because it led us to Matthew. I would not have it any other way. I would walk through it all again if that’s what I had to do to get to him. Every tear, all the pain and frustration and the agony of waiting was absolutely and completely worth it. So I think that’s why I can say that “mostly yes, but just a little bit no” – for me, the pain of infertility is gone!
10 comments:
I'm so glad you share your thoughts with us. It's interesting to hear your perspective, since mine is a bit different. Adam and I chose adoption from the outset and didn't even attempt bio kids. I've never really felt the pull to be pregnant. Sure, I'm curious, but not enough to want it :)
I'm so happy to hear that Matthew more than fills that need in your heart for a family. I wish more people were open to adoption as a way to build a family, like you were/are!
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I can definitely relate to that feeling of wanting to experience the pregnancy thing and all that goes along with it. At some point after our first loss and the long wait for Isaac, it almost felt to me that my desire turned into an obsession to be pregnant and I had lost sight of the end result--a child! We were very blessed in that we experienced both and then God laid it on our hearts to turn to adoption as a first choice and you know the rest of the story! Sometimes I forget all of the different roads people walk that lead to adoption, so thank you for sharing!
I think I'm right there with you on this one... except I don't think I really want to have to ever give birth...
Such a beautiful post. I really love your wound analogy. That is exactly how I feel. A wound heals, but there will always be a scar.
I often think of where life would be without infertility. It would be so different. In your situation, you probably wouldn't have Matthew, and in my situation, I wouldn't be on the waitlist for my baby boy from Ethiopia. That right there makes it all worth it.
Thanks so much for this post. :)
Rachel,
You are so wise and thoughtful. I love your wound analogy and that is exactly how I feel. You are so right about the scab getting bumped sometimes, but I would not change it. That scar/scab is a reminder of where we have been, our journey to our children and how much we love them.
Thank you for sharing. :)
Thanks for sharing. Being a labor and delivery nurse I still find myself sad because I will probably never be in that bed or never hear my baby's hearbeat on the monitor. Then I think of that trials we have faced and like you said, I don't think I would take it back (and I don't even have my Matthew yet :)
Rachel, I have been following your blog for awhile now. I love seeing the joy you and Brad have in your son Matthew. I had to comment on this post because this has been something I've been thinking about lately. The pregnancy pull has lessened after each adoption (we have three adopted children, all from Korea), I think in part because we see more and more the blessing that adoption is. It is our children, but it is even more - the people we now know because of adoption, a country that we love that we likely would not have visited otherwise, and an increased appreciation for what really makes people a family. Thanks for your post and the analogy - a great way to think about it.
I agree with so much of what you wrote here. Nice post. Deep stuff...but so important. I definitely agree...the pull was much bigger to be a parent than to be pregnant. But...sometimes the old feelings come back just a bit...but never for long & certainly not as strong.
Dear Rachel - that is hard to go through, I often fear the same thing - what if I can't get pregnant? I'm soo glad that you received Matthew and that he brings soo much joy!! You are brave to write this post!
Just found your blog. Great post. My husband and I adopted our son and daughter from Korea after several years of infertility. I have similar feelings about infertility. It took me a long time to realize that what I wanted to be was a mom and it didn't matter how I got there (and probably made me appreciate being one that much more). And it is wonderful to finally be in a place where I can be truly happy for friends and family members who are pregnant (without curling up on a ball and crying!).
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