The Not-Knowing of Adoption

I've been feeling kind of strange lately. It's a very funny feeling to not know when you are going to become a mother. I grew up expecting that I would one day get to experience the joy of a positive pregnancy test, and nine months later, I would become a mother.

Our journey has turned out quite a bit different than I always thought it would. Instead of a pregnancy test, I have the joy of a completed home study! And instead of a set nine month period, I have....I DON'T KNOW!!!!! It is sometimes very hard not knowing how long it is going to be. I feel like if I could just know, then maybe that would somehow make the waiting easier.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm just...floating. Though I know and believe with all of my heart that I can trust the Lord's timing, waiting patiently for it is another thing altogether! Does that make any sense? I am eager for the next phase of life to begin, and yet I do not want to miss out on today. Which sometimes leaves me feeling a bit mixed up!

I sometimes find myself sighing, and wondering...

What will our baby look like?

Has our baby been born already?

What experiences in his or her birthmother's life led her to choose an adoption plan?

Is she sad? Is she okay? Does she have people to care for her through this difficult time? Will we ever meet her?

What will it be like for us to hold our child for the first time?

Will we be good parents?

What if they get sick? Will we know what to do?

What will it be like to hear them call me "mama" for the first time?

So many questions. Some of them, I may never know the answers to. Some of them I can only leave in the Lord's hands. And some of them...I will know the answers to someday!