Back With Five!

Four weeks ago our family grew!  We welcomed sweet Robbie into our family and there has not been a moment of silence since :)  Robbie is six years old, which means our family now has children who are 8, 7, 6, 5 and 4.  The look on people's faces when we say this is quite entertaining!

Robbie's transition has been in many ways exactly as we expected.  You cannot take a child from all they know and expect it to be smooth and easy.  It is traumatic and painful for them in many ways to lose their culture, their past, and all that is familiar to them.  There have been bumps along the way as we have begun to become a family, but every day we grow a little closer.

We have been surprised by Robbie in so many ways these last four weeks.  He is full of life, full of personality, and is such a creative and imaginative little boy.  He loves to play and talks a mile a minute!  We were really surprised with how much English he knew when he arrived.  It is easy to forget that he still has a long way to go with language because he does so well.  But we have noticed that we say a lot of the same things, play the same games, repeat the same phrases as he grows more comfortable with a new language.

We're so thankful that Robbie is a good sleeper (our first!!).  He goes to bed easily and sleeps through which is such a blessing.  He's an early riser though, which means that we are going to bed pretty early these days to be able to keep up!  He eats really well and is always willing to try new things.  So far he has eaten every meal we've had except for pancakes, which he quickly declared to be "yucky!".

The other kids are adjusting well to having a new brother.  Hannah has shown herself to have a very compassionate heart and she and Robbie are often playing together.  Nathan has surprised me with his patience and understanding.  Matthew is very easily annoyed and is taking more time to warm up to Robbie.  Livvy is pretty much always happy with things but as the baby of the family she's had a bit of a hard time sharing my attention even more.  Still, she enjoys playing with Robbie too and often says to me, "I like Robbie!"

I want to start blogging again to share our journey in the days ahead.  We are working on getting back into our school schedule and I'm hoping to start teaching Robbie as well.  I'm taking a course in Braille and plan to start teaching all of the kids soon!  I thought it might be interesting to share our progress, if only to have something to look back on down the road.

Homeschool Planning {Getting Ahead}

It is only the middle of summer here but we have decided to take advantage of the flexibility of homeschooling and have created a bit of a different schedule for the kids this year.  Anyone who knows me knows that the planning part of homeschooling is pretty much my favorite.  February rolls around and I am ready to plan for September!  This year was no different and I completed my plans in March and April.  I'm a big old planning nerd!

We have a big change coming to our family this year as we anticipate adding Robbie (who is 6) to our family sometime in late Fall.  My heart speeds up considerably just thinking about what this will be like.  Of our four adoptions, we have had 3 easy transitions and one wow-are-we-going-to-survive-this difficult transition.  I have no idea how things will be when Robbie arrives but I know that for sure there will be an adjustment period for Robbie and all of us.  Becoming a family takes time and energy and time and grace and time...

With that in mind, I planned out our school year beginning a couple of months early to build in some time to breathe, adjust, play and learn when Robbie arrives.  We started the girls at the beginning of July.  Hannah is ecstatic to finally be in Kindergarten and Livvy feels like such a big girl saying she is in Preschool.  It basically means playing with play dough and coloring and talking about letters just like last year but shhhhhhh! Don't tell her that! 

I have never had to teach actual subjects to three kiddos before and yikes was the word that kept coming to mind.  I thought I would ease myself into it a bit by starting with just the girls.  The boys are happy to play, read, and ride bikes all morning long and it has been great to give the girls some structure.  I also started a new curriculum with Hannah (more on that coming soon!).  It has been a great fit for her and I've been glad to have the time to get to know the schedule and curriculum a bit.  I've also loved having time to focus on the girls, read to them more, be intentional about playing with them and focusing just on them, if only for an hour or two in the morning.  A lot of times I feel like they get so much less of me as numbers 3 and 4 in the family so having this time together has been precious.  Well...some days it's precious!  As has been my experience with homeschooling so far, some days are picture perfect, other days are barely survivable!  

In August I will start the boys (they will be in 1st and 2nd grade this year).  I have a lot of confidence about the curriculum choices that we are continuing, excitement about the new ones we are adding in this year (history, science, and art), and a whole lot of nerves about how we will fit it all in.  I keep voicing these concerns to Brad and then the other day he reminded me that every single year I say these things, and somehow we make it through and come out okay!

Deep breaths.

I often doubt my own abilities, but thank God for His grace when I fail, His strength when I am weak, His wisdom and guidance as I parent all these little ones, and the blessing of an amazing husband who makes me laugh on the craziest of days.

Let's get this year started!

Outside

It's our favorite place to be!

Our new house has this awesome backyard that has been such a blessing to our family.  The driveway goes around behind the house and is all fenced in so it is perfect for bike riding, side walk chalk, and playing.  There is a clubhouse and a slide and swings.  Grass to run in.  We just love being outside!

And the birds....so many birds!  They're my favorite, in case you didn't know.

We are outside for hours each day and three of the kids have learned to ride their bikes without training wheels - two since we moved in here!

I love that we can have people over and have room to play!  I am so glad we moved.  And I'm so glad that moving is done because that was HARD with kids!

What Now?

Life right now is a weird mixture of really happy...

...playing in the yard with my beautiful kids.

...enjoying this wonderful house and the backyard.

...sunny days, time with family, laughter.

And this happiness is mixed with such sadness...

...losing Seth and knowing we will never hold him here in this life.

...letting go of hopes and dreams we had for the future.

...comforting children who are also grieving and trying to understand.

As the days flow from one into the next, God's peace has also flowed into our hearts.  This doesn't mean the pain has magically disappeared.  It doesn't mean that we are happy about all that has happened.  It doesn't mean we are all healed and all better.  But little by little, God's promises have become stronger than the questions.  His grace has surrounded us and His comfort has come to our hearts.

We can trust Him.  Even in this, even when life does not go how we hope or expect, we can trust Him.  This has not changed who He is, who we know Him to be.  His compassion never fails.

The question we have been faced with over the last few weeks has been, "What now?"

We look around at this big, beautiful home that we moved to specifically so that we could adopt Seth.  We look at the money that we've saved and all that was donated for the adoption.  We look at our completed home study and all the paperwork we have done and we wonder...what now?  What was this all for and what should we do now?

Our hearts have been broken for the thousands of children who wait for families.  We knew, with certainty, after Seth died, that we would move forward to adopt another child.  At first, even saying it out loud brought many, many tears.

"I just wanted Seth.  I just wanted him."

As the days went on and we talked and prayed, we felt even more certain there was another little one who would come home to our family.  Boys wait longer - we looked for a boy.  Older boys wait much longer - we thought about older boys.  We prayed and thought about our family and the ages of our kids and then one day...there he was.  A video of a little boy named Robbie grabbed both our hearts.  We just sat, watching and smiling as he talked away in Chinese (and a little English), counted (to 200 I think!), and sang his little heart out.  He was adorable, funny, smart, and full of spunk!

We have started the process to bring this precious boy into our family and we are just so excited!  Mixed with a whole lot of complicated feelings about Seth, the sadness, the questions.  I'm not going to lie - it's hard.  But we choose love.  We choose to be open to love again and we choose to trust that God can bring beauty from ashes.

Robbie is 6 years old and lives at the same place Seth spent the last week of his life.  It is an amazing home for blind children and we are so grateful for the love and care he is receiving there.  Robbie is blind in one eye and has very low vision in his other eye.  The boys are really excited about having another brother.  Hannah has struggled to think about bringing home someone who is not Seth.  Livvy is pretty much oblivious :)

We are thankful for all the Lord is doing in our lives and how He continues to draw us closer, in joy and in pain.  He is faithful and we look forward to the next part of this journey.

Things I've Learned from Loving Seth

It has been a difficult couple of weeks.  The weight of sadness has been heavy and our hearts have been aching.  Every plan for the future had our Seth in it and trying to wrap our heads around the fact that now he will not be here with us has been so hard.

Yet even in our sadness, we have hope.  The Lord has brought comfort through His Word and through our families and friends.  We have felt so loved and we are so thankful for all who have cared for our family and grieved with us for Seth.

Last Saturday I had some time in the house by myself (which is a pretty rare thing!).  As I cleaned up the kitchen, I talked to God about the week.  It wasn't long before the "why" question came out of my mouth.  But as the tears fell, I realized that my "why" question wasn't, "Why did he die?"

It was, "Why did I have to love him?"

What if I had never seen his sweet face that day on Facebook?  What if I had passed by the post and not opened up the link and read about him?

I wouldn't be hurting now.  I could have missed this.

But as I cried, the Lord showed me what else I would have missed.

I would have missed an opportunity to see the incredible power and the BIGNESS of my God.  I have seen it firsthand - nothing is impossible to God.  He has moved mountains these last few months, for us, for Seth.  I would have missed seeing His powerful answers to desperate prayers.

I would have missed the chance to understand God's heart more.  I can see now and understand more fully how God loves me.  By the world's standards, Seth did not have much to give.  He couldn't see, or walk, or talk, and yet to me he was a priceless treasure.  I just loved him and longed to be with him.  I can understand now a little more how deeply God loves me.  Not for what I can do, not for what I can bring to Him - for that is nothing.  And yet He loves me desperately and longs for me to know Him.  He sent Jesus to die in my place, to make a way for me to be forgiven so that I can be with Him!  He just loves me.

I would have missed so much if I hadn't seen Seth that day.  I would have missed the chance to teach my kids about compassion and that every person is precious in the eyes of God.  I would have missed getting to show them that God hears and answers prayers - for they have seen it and lived it these last few months!

It is not what we hoped for or expected, but we are thankful to our gracious God anyway.  We are thankful for God's great mercy in taking Seth to a beautiful place for his last week on earth where he was valued, loved, cared for, fed, held...and he did not die alone.  He was loved by so many!  I am thankful for the lives he has touched and the ways he has changed us.  We will never be the same.  We are thankful for God's mercy and goodness and the ways that has been revealed to us these last few months.  We are thankful for peace that passes all understanding.  He has been so good to us.

We won't ever, ever forget our sweet boy.  His picture will always be on our wall, his story will always be told, and we will always thank God for the time we had to love him.  I'm so glad I got to love him.

Heartbreak

It's been quite the week here.

A hard, heartbreaking, difficult, tear-filled week.

On Tuesday I got a phone call that changed our lives.  Our sweet Seth had passed away unexpectedly earlier in the day.  Passed away.  My brain couldn't make sense of the words.  I sank to the floor and tried to breathe.  How could he be gone?

We had received an update earlier in the week - he was doing so well.  He was happy, and he was starting to bear weight on his legs.  We had so much hope for the future for our little boy.  So much hope.

In a moment, that was all gone.  Everything changed.  

Our hearts ache and we wonder where we go from here.  For now, we pray, we wait, we trust in the One who loves Seth even more than we do.  And we remember with smiles and tears the little boy from across the world who changed everything for us.  He will never be forgotten.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God;

my hope comes from Him.

Truly He is my rock and my salvation;

He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;

He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in Him at all times, you people;

pour out your hearts to Him,

for God is our refuge."

Psalm 62:5-8

A Sweet Little Boy a World Away

Tonight, my mind is a million miles away.

Well, maybe not that far....but almost.  My mind and my heart are dreaming of a little boy across the world.

It's been almost four months since I first saw Seth's face.  I've never held him, never kissed him, never touched his face, but already he is a part of me.  He has captured me in a way I have never experienced before and I long for the day when he is mine.

Adoption is scary.  It just is.  The unknowns, the questions, the uncertainty...it's easy to be afraid.  I have been afraid every single time.

Until this time.

This time, when looking at it logically, I should be most afraid.

People ask me - how will you care for a blind child?  Well....

Do you know anything about raising a blind child?  Nope...

Will he ever walk? I just don't know the answer to that...

There are a whole lot of unknowns!  There is so much to learn, I don't even know where to start.  I have no idea what it will be like.  My mind races wondering how many appointments we will have his first year home!  He is seven - so different from any adoption experience we have had so far.  He can't talk - how will we communicate?  So many unknowns.

And yet.

In all that, all the uncertainty about what lies ahead, I have never been more certain.

God has put in my heart a desire to love and fight for and care for this precious boy.  Whatever that means, however hard it is, no matter the cost.  It is unwavering and it is strong and I am not afraid.

Please do not for a moment let yourself think any sort of nonsense about how strong I am or how much faith I have or that I am anything special.  Sometimes people say things like that - "You are amazing!" or "I could never..."

And I chuckle, because I know the truth.

Oh, friends, we are so very ordinary!  We have struggles and we fail and this parenting thing is hard and a lot of days, we're not very good at it.  We are not strong and we don't know all the answers.  But the reason we could say "yes", the reason we can walk forward without fear is because of Who we know.  He has turned our, "We could never...." into "We could, if He wanted us to."  We have seen that this God we serve is mighty and bigger than we ever knew and He is able to do what we are not.

So that's why I'm not afraid.  I may have no clue how I will raise a blind child, but I am confident that I can learn and that the Lord will be with us every step of the day, every moment.  I know it might be really hard.  I know there are probably things ahead that will be beyond me - but they will not be beyond Him.  The One who goes before us, who leads us, He will help us.  He will not fail us.

That is why I am confident.  I know who He is.

Togetherness

As with many things in life, there are blessings and challenges that go along with our choice to homeschool.  This year it feels like we are really settling into our choice more and finding our groove a bit.  I have loved our curriculum choices this year and am planning to continue with most of them for next year as well.

Being together is a blessing.  And a challenge :)  Having more space has made a huge difference and it sometimes feels like a whole new life living here!  It is wonderful being together but sometimes it's great to just be apart for a while, too!

One of my favorite things we've discovered this year is a curriculum called Bible Study Guide for All Ages.  We spent several weeks working through the story of Joseph and now are working through Daniel and we are all learning so much!  My favorite part about it is that we actually read the Bible together, rather than just learning about the Bible.  

At this age, the kids do a lot of learning through play.  One day I found the kids all together teaching Livvy how to play a matching game.  Please don't think for a second that this is how every moment of the day goes!  It's actually the opposite some days - it seems like all our time is taken up with learning how to get along.  Those days are H-A-R-D!  But sometimes it is like this, and so of course I smile and take a picture to prove it happens!

I'm thankful for the time with my littles and I really love that we've had the chance to homeschool.

Still Here {A New Here!}

It's been SO long!  Life seems to be so full right now but honestly it's not full of things that seem like they'd be interesting to anyone else :)

The last couple of months have been kind of insane.  Lots of good stuff happening, like this:

This is us in our new kitchen!  Yes, we were able to move into an amazing new house in a very short amount of time.  I often look around and shake my head in wonder at how everything worked out.  We LOVE it here and having more space is just incredible.  Everything feels easier!  We are settling in well and the kids are really happy here.

We still have our old house and are planning to rent it out as soon as possible.  Unfortunately life is so busy and we still have jobs to finish up over there.  It is hard to find time to do everything these days but bit by bit we are getting there.

Our days have also been filled with adoption paperwork as we work to bring our sweet Seth home.  We hope to have our home study finished up soon.  This week we are working on some training videos - right now we're working through one telling us to make sure self care is a priority and to be sure to get enough sleep - which makes Brad and I look at each other with bleary eyes and chuckle!  Sure, we'll get right on that!  Sometimes these things are easier said than done.

The last few days we have had beautiful weather!  I am so happy to see the snow melting and to hear the birds singing.  We are ready for spring!

The Story of Seth {And Then There Were Five}

I shared this on Facebook today and am excited to be sharing here as well what the Lord has been doing in our lives!

“In a crib, in an orphanage, halfway around the world, sits a boy. He’s easy to miss, as he sits there quietly with his head bowed. You might even pass him by, unless you took the time to look into his face, pick him up, hold him in your arms. At that moment, he becomes unforgettable.”

It was mid-December when I first read these words. They were written by a woman, Ashley, who had visited an orphanage in China. She wrote a blog post about a little boy she called Seth and it appeared in my facebook timeline when a friend shared it. I see a lot of these posts about children waiting for families, many every day. I often do not read them because it’s just so hard on my heart.

But for some reason that day, I opened the link. I read the blog.
Her words broke me. I read about Seth, a 6-year-old boy who could not see, or talk, or walk, who spent his days sitting in a crib. I looked at his pictures and watched a video of him. His smile was so beautiful and my heart was shattered to think of him all alone, without a family to care for him or love him.

I couldn’t get him out of my head. I laid awake at night for hours and hours with tears streaming down my face in the dark. I know there are children all over the world living like this, but to see this child and his smile and sweet spirit…it broke me.

“Lord, who will touch him? Who will hold him? Who will sing to him and tell him that he is loved?”

Ashley’s words echoed in my own heart until I could not bear it any longer.

With my heart beating so fast I thought it might burst, I took his picture and story to Brad. It’s happened a few times over the last few years. Sometimes he says yes (Nathan and Olivia!) and other times he says no, this is not where the Lord is taking us. I am so thankful to know that I can share my heart with him and trust that he will seek God and lead our family so well. I fully expected him to say no but to pray with me for a family for Seth.

Seth’s picture went on our fridge, and we did pray. We prayed earnestly with tears for this little boy. We talked and talked and prayed and prayed. And then one day we were standing in the kitchen and Brad looked at me and said, “We can’t leave him there.”

And that was that. We won’t leave him there. We have our answer to who will touch him, who will hold him and sing to him and tell him that he’s loved. We will. We will do it.

So with GREAT JOY I am ready to share that we have received Pre-Approval from China to move forward in adopting Seth! There are many challenges ahead and lots for us to learn, but we know this: we will not be going alone. The Lord is Mighty and He will provide all we need. We trust in Him completely and are so thankful for the gift He is giving us in Seth. He is a treasure and we have nothing but excitement to add him to our family. We do this not because we feel we should, but because we can and because we want to! God is weaving an extraordinary story for our family, one that we never could have imagined, but He has changed us along the way in ways we never expected and we can’t wait to see what else He is going to do!

We certainly would appreciate your prayers in the days ahead. Pray for Seth, that he will receive the care and attention he needs. Pray for our family as we look to move house very soon to make room for our ever-expanding family! Pray that we keep the Lord always before us and remember that with God, all things are possible!

This Girl and Her Papa

I have so enjoyed getting to know Olivia these last 8 months.  We learned early on that she is pretty stinking hilarious!  I just love this girl.  She is so funny and makes me laugh out loud all the time.  Her expressions and how she says things and the looks she gives us...such a hoot.

Today during school Livvy was dot painting while I worked with Hannah and Nathan.  I turned around for a minute to do something and when I turned back I let out a huge laugh - she had dot painted herself in a pretty funny way!

Silly girl!

She is also a super talkative little girl.  It's kind of funny that before she came home we were told she only said a couple of words and we were worried about her speech!  Sometimes when it's just me and her she keeps up a steady running commentary for 20+ minutes without taking a break.  I have a cough right now and she is so super sweet - every time I cough (literally every time, all day long) she stops what she's doing and shouts, "You okay, mom?"

She really, really, really loves her Papa.  My Dad was here for Christmas and Livvy was practically glued to his side.  Every time I looked around she was sitting on his lap or following him around.

We are having a birthday party for Nathan this weekend and my parents are coming.  All day long today Livvy kept bursting out with, "My Paaaaaaaaaapppppaaaaaaaaa!"  And I would explain that he's coming soon, which would satisfy her for another half hour or so.

I'm so happy to be mom to this spunky, hilarious, sweet little girl!

Sisters...and friends???

These two girls.  I just adore them.  I seriously could not love them any more than I do.  Hannah is spunky, feisty, opinionated, hilarious, loving, thoughtful....an awesome kid.  Olivia is sweet as pie, easygoing, cuddly, friendly, helpful....such a gift!

It's no secret that Hannah had a pretty rough time accepting Olivia into the family.  I kind of thought that she would, as pretty much anytime I hold or sit near another child other than her she freaks out.  Screaming things like, "She's MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!"

Fun times.

So when Olivia came home, I expected to hear this a lot.  Good news - I was right!  Oh, the screaming.  I cannot even tell you.  I didn't know how to handle it.  I tried sympathy.  I tried giving her extra time alone with me.  I tried reasoning.  I tried time outs and time ins.  Oh my goodness, the screaming.  It just about made me lose my mind.  And worst of all, Livvy was starting to act just the same and was joining in on the screaming!

While I would definitely describe Olivia's adjustment to our family as the easiest we have experienced so far, this was the hardest part for me.  I thought it would never end.

And then suddenly one day, I realized it was actually getting better.  Life was getting easier.  And calmer.  And Hannah was getting more rational :)

One day the girls got up in the morning and I held Olivia and Hannah sat beside me on the couch and didn't scream.

My jaw dropped open.  It had literally not happened before.  Olivia had been home for over 5 months.  

Over the last month or so, it seems we have turned a corner.  The girls play together more often than they fight.  The screaming has almost completely stopped.  Not totally, but almost.  Life is so much more pleasant!  I am so thankful!

Sibling relationships are challenging and take time to develop,  Thankfully I knew this already from my experience with Matthew and Nathan.  I believed they would get to where they are now - I just had no idea how long it would take!  It is a beautiful thing to see.

Sisters and friends.

Christmastime

It's time for a catch-up!  As always life has been busy but good.  The days are full of playing and teaching and laughing and tests of patience.  I wouldn't trade it for anything!

December was a lovely month here.  We finished up school, which continues to go very well, and were all ready for Christmas break.  Two weeks with no school - what a nice break for Mom and students!  

We have had only one snowfall so far this winter (hooray! I really could do without the snow!).  I'm so glad we made the effort to bundle up the kids (getting four ready for snow is quite the event).  They had a blast playing out in the snow.  Olivia wasn't too sure about it and mostly followed me around saying, "Uppy!" and wanting me to pick her up.  

It was kind of crazy how warm it was when we went to cut down our Christmas tree.  Usually it is freezing and we have to hurry.  This time it was not that bad - we are all in our spring jackets!  I laughed so hard when I looked at this picture that someone at the tree farm took of us.  I have always loved Brad's antlers :)

Matthew sang in his first Christmas program at church this year.  What a blessing!  All of the kids loved learning the songs and getting to watch him sing his heart out on stage brought tears to my eyes.  For so many years I watched those programs with an ache in my heart wondering if I would ever be watching my child.  And now here I was - and there was my son!  I am so thankful.

Christmas this year did not go how we expected as Brad got a call in the middle of the night saying he needed to work Christmas Eve and Christmas day because of storms that had come through the state.  He had to go away overnight and the kids were pretty disappointed he couldn't be here with us (I was too!!!!).  Thankfully my parents and youngest sister were here to help me with the kids and we managed to have fun even though it wasn't what we'd hoped for.  We held off on Christmas presents and our big Christmas dinner and had that with Brad on the 26th.  It was busy and wonderful to be altogether.

It was Olivia's first Christmas with us but it really is hard to remember what it was like without her.  She is such a part of us!  We are so glad she's here!

Here We Are

I'm sitting at the kitchen table looking out into the backyard.

Christmas music is playing and there's a fire in the fireplace.  I like to break all the "No Christmas music before Thanksgiving" rules :)

Hannah is pushing Livvy in the swing and all I can see is Livvy's huge smile.  They are the best of friends...for the moment!

The boys are running around screaming as loud as they can.  Our neighbors must love us.

I just finished the 6-month post-placement report for Olivia's adoption.

Six months?!?!  How can it even be that six months have gone by already?

And how can it be that I've only been kissing these cheeks for six months?

School is going well.  Busy.  It's so busy.  But we make a little progress every day and somehow they are learning so many new things!  Nathan is starting to read and he is beyond thrilled about it.  Matthew is trucking along with much less resistance than last year.  Overall...a good year so far.

Brad is doing so well.  He had quite the health scare over the last six months.  It began in China with pain in the night and got progressively worse as the months went on, to the point where he was not able to eat solid foods.  

Stupid gallbladder.  We are glad that's gone and so thankful it was a fixable problem.

We are dating again.  Each other, I mean.  It has been years of not being able to go out without children being newly home and needing us.  We are in a good place, settled, and everyone is just getting older with no new one on the horizon.  It's a nice place to be and I'm quite enjoying it!  Going out with Brad from time to time and getting through the baby phase with the kids is such a blessing.  

Guess what I did this week?  I slept through the night!  It was just once, but....it was once more than usual!  We are slowly but surely moving in the right direction towards more sleep and less wake ups.  It's glorious.

Here we are.  It's a good place to be.

Lame Blogger Award...

There's probably no one out there reading...well, maybe my mom :)  I know I totally get the "Lame Blogger Award" for my lack of posting.  I'm feeling the urge to write and document again so I may be back a little more often.  Life is so full that all my good intentions seemed to get swallowed up in...life!  I'm not going to lie, four littles keeps me pretty busy these days.  It has taken me quite a while to get adjusted to the pace of life and the whole not-having-a-free-moment thing but I am at last feeling like I have my head above water (some of the time) and I am finding some free time (here and there).  

I smile just looking at this picture - can't believe I get to be mom to all of them!  Super fun.  Super exhausting!  Wouldn't trade it for anything.

We have purposefully chosen to have a quieter life right now.  We did not sign up for any of the very good activities we wanted to do this fall (piano lessons, soccer, other things for the kids) and I feel so glad about that choice.  We have spent a ton of time walking in the woods, hanging out in the backyard, reading books...I feel like the days are busy but we have also carved out some much-needed down time with these activities.  There will be time for the other activities down the road, but for now we choose slow.

One of the bonuses (and the challenges) of choosing a slower pace is lots of time together.  Siblings are learning how to share, to think of each other, to play together.  It's good and it's hard.  One in particular has had a hard time with the transition of a new little sibling.  I think my least favorite part of parenting is dealing with sibling fighting (my mom is snickering now because she can totally relate thanks to me and my younger sister!).  

It really feels like Olivia has always been part of us.  When I see pictures of us with three kids now...it's strange!  She has fit so perfectly into our family and I'm amazed with her pretty much every day.

One of my favorite memories from the summer - looking out the kitchen window and seeing these four playing on the swing set.  I remember one day looking out and seeing Livvy chatting away to Matthew and it just struck me: "She is one of us.  She belongs."

There are moments of frustration dealing with sibling issues but there are also so many sweet moments.  I can't imagine these kiddos without each other!  Matthew particularly has a soft spot for Olivia.  He is so gentle with her and takes such good care of her.  The other day I looked outside and the kids were running around laughing.  Olivia tripped and fell, and as I watched all three of the other kids ran up to her, helped her up, asked her if she was okay, brushed her off and then ran off again together.  It brought a smile to my face to see the care they have for each other.

Some days I look at this little girl and feel as though I might burst.  I was pretty terrified of adding another one to the family.  I was scared about her medical needs, scared that she was 2.5 years old and terrified of strangers, scared about the workload.  But every single day I kiss those cheeks and see that smile and REJOICE that we said yes!  She is such a gift and I know just how blessed I am.

The "Back to School" Post

It has obviously been quite a while since my last post!  We have been busy enjoying the beautiful summer days and honestly they have just been flying by.  I can hardly believe it is the end of August already. 

We are a bit ahead with our school schedule this year and have already been back at it for over three weeks.  Why?  Mostly because...we can!  I love the flexibility of homeschooling and for us, it was time to start.  The kids were anxiously asking when we would be starting again, we have the time, and by starting earlier we are able to loosen up the schedule a little throughout the year so that when we have to miss school for appointments or sickness, it doesn't put us behind at all.

I was pretty nervous about how things would go this year with four at home, but after a few weeks we are finding our groove a little.  Some days are pretty overwhelming, some days are easy and laid back and we accomplish everything very quickly.  Some days I think, "Homeschooling = greatest thing ever!!!" and some days I think, "Is it too late to enroll them in school?".  The good outweighs the hard, though, and every time I question if we are doing the right thing, I look at our list of reasons for homeschooling and know this is just the right thing for our kids at this point in time.

The kiddos were so excited for their first day of school!

Little Miss Olivia is not doing any schoolwork, just lots of playing, potty training, snack eating and little activities to enjoy.

Hannah just turned four and is doing preschool at home this year.  She loves to be a big girl and wanted school work like her brothers, so she is working on a couple of beginning writing/coloring books, learning her letters, and counting.  She loves school and asks to do it as soon as we get up!

Nathan is such a hardworking, excited student!  He is a joy to teach with his willing and eager attitude.  He is 5 and started Kindergarten this year!  He has better handwriting than many of the fifth grade students I used to teach and absolutely loves to color and draw.  He is very creative and I can't wait to see him learn to read and write independently. 

Matthew is 6 and is in the First Grade this year.  He is an awesome reader already as that came very quickly and naturally to him last year.  He has already read a few chapter books and I am constantly finding him reading books about sharks, whales, and bugs.  He is very good at math, hates handwriting and coloring (but thankfully does it without a battle this year....so far!), and is a good speller.  He is a joy to teach!

We have joined a homeschool co-op that starts in a few weeks and I am very excited about this.  There are many families in the co-op and the boys will be in a K/1st class together on Wednesday mornings.  Hannah will be in a Preschool class and I will help in the nursery where Livvy will stay.  I think it will be great for all of us!

We're off to a good start and I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds!

Smiley Girl

This little girl has been home with us for about 8 weeks now and the days are flying by!  She fits so perfectly in our family its amazing.  She is one of us, there is no doubt of that!  Her smile is contagious and her giggle is one of the best I've ever heard.  She is quick to smile and laugh but certainly knows how to let us know when she doesn't like something.  She is talking up a storm and we are amazed at the short sentences that are starting to come from her spontaneously - "Mama shoes on?" when she wanted me to go outside the other day, and "Hannah's drink" when she sees Hannah's cup.  I continue to be surprised by how easily she seems to have accepted us as her family.  She is such a joy to us and we are so glad she is here!

We received simply wonderful news this week about Olivia's health.  I believe I mentioned here that Livvy was diagnosed in China with a brain tumor.  We were told by a pediatric neurosurgeon this week that she does NOT have a brain tumor (which we already thought to be the case based on other opinions from radiologists and doctors who had looked at her scans).  It is wonderful to have her here with us, to see that she is okay and developing well, and to hear the great news that we do not have to have this concern in our minds anymore!  She has a small soft spot on the back of her head that may need surgery in the future, but for now she is doing great and will not need to see the neurosurgeon for 6 months!

One of the biggest challenges since we've been home is the relationship between these two girls.  They certainly started to bond in China, and that bond continues to grow, but since we have been home Hannah has struggled to accept her little sister.  They play together all the time, but unfortunately neither of them has the skills to get along well with another child at the moment :)  Basically that means that they fight all the livelong day and it's making me bonkers!  I know, imagine such cuteness making me bonkers?!?!

Sleep has been very difficult in the last few weeks especially.  Olivia is a champion sleeper (I am SO thankful for that!!!) and she sometimes wakes up once crying but is easily calmed down.  We pretty much just go in and she lies back down, we cover her up and kiss her and she goes back to sleep.  Amazing!  Hannah has had sleep issues for years and shows no sign of that letting up anytime soon!  Night terrors and anxiety seem to plague her at the moment and we just hope that she will outgrow this...soon....like, maybe this week?!  I have been so tired and find it hard to be a calm and patient mommy when I have been up a lot in the night.  

Summer is a lovely, slow time around here and we are enjoying days at the park or the zoo, swimming in our little backyard paddling pool, and playing for hours on end.  I am busy with school plans for the fall and looking forward to homeschooling Matthew (1st grade) and Nathan (Kindergarten) while trying to keep the girls occupied.  Some days I say "Bring it on!" and some days I want to hide under a blanket at the thought of it!  Raising four kids is one of the hardest things I've ever done but there's nothing I would rather be doing!

At Home With Four

It is hard to believe that over a month has passed since we first met Olivia in China!  We have been home with her for three weeks but it is already hard to remember what it was like here without her.  She fits in so well we can hardly believe it.  She fills in a space in our family in a way that just astounds me.  We are all so happy she is here!

Our little Livvy is a lovely little girl.  She has stolen my heart very quickly and I just adore her.  She is a sweet, loving, funny little girl.  She loves playing with her brothers and with Hannah.  They have all accepted her into our family and they all know she is one of us.  Hannah has only asked twice if Livvy can please go back to China :)  Most of the time she is thrilled to have a new little sister and playmate.  I can hardly believe it but having Livvy here has actually made life a little easier because now Hannah and Livvy play together (where before Hannah would follow me around a lot during the day).

I'm so relieved to be home and settling into life.  It feels wonderful to have the trip behind us and to know that things are going okay.

More to come...

The Soundtrack of My Life

I've been reflecting lately on the different seasons of life I have walked through over the last 15 years.  Times of joy, times of excitement, times of sorrow, times of grief, times of uncertainty...so many seasons.  When I look back on my life, I am often reminded of the songs that go with each season.  My life seems to have a soundtrack...songs that are connected with seasons.

A rough break-up....If You Want Me To (Ginny Owens)

Infertility...He's Always Been Faithful (Sara Groves), Yet I Will Praise (Vineyard), Praise You in the Storm (Casting Crowns)

Our first adoption journey...In the Waiting (FFH)

Home with Nathan...Worth it All (Rita Springer), So Far to Find You (Casting Crowns)

Waiting for Hannah...For a Thousand Years (Christina Perri)

Those are just a few that come to mind....there are so many more.  I have been reflecting a lot this week on the last year.  We made a choice last summer to bring home another little one, and it has changed me.  I have wrestled a lot over the last year with the "what if's" of Olivia's health.

What if there is more to her health condition than we know?

What if she really does have a brain tumor?

We said yes to bringing her home knowing this is a possibility.  We are not crazy, and we are not saints...we are simply trying to walk in obedience to God in this and we believe she is a treasure!  But I would be lying if I said I have not struggled a lot wondering what we will do or what it would do to our family...there were a couple of months where I laid awake at night unable to shut my mind off, and found myself waking up at 3am to stare at the wall for hours.

As the days went on, a new soundtrack started to play.

The Rock Won't Move (Vertical Church)

I Will Follow (Vertical Church)

None But Jesus (Hillsong)

Sovereign Over Us (Aaron Keyes)

Trust You, Jesus (Aaron Keyes)

Call on the Name (Vertical Church)

Cast My Cares (Tim Timmons)

These are the songs that play as I wash dishes and look out the window at my kiddos playing in the backyard.  They are the songs that play as I turn over in my mind the "what if's".  They are the songs that play as I chop vegetables and remember His faithfulness.

As the days went on, the new soundtrack impressed itself on my heart and the Word of God embedded itself deeply in my heart.  This is what I know:  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. (Heb 13:8).  He won't change, no matter what comes in our lives.  I know who He is and I know He is enough.

I sleep well at night now.  These days, I drift off without worrying.  The anxiety is gone, the fear has lost its grip, and now all I think is how strange it is that I don't worry about it.  It's a pretty big thing...it would be normal to worry!  But I'm learning that I don't need to worry even about the things that seem like they need worrying about!

I am working on packing, and two weeks from today I will meet a little girl who will be my daughter forever.  I can't seem to wrap my head around that.  She is loved....but we are strangers to her.  Although I can't wait to meet her, my heart aches for what is ahead for her.  People think, "Oh, she's little, she'll get over it, she doesn't really know."  But I know better.  I have heard the cries of little ones who have lost everything, and my heart aches because I know how hard this will be for her.  Now my prayers turn from all my concerns and I pray for God to comfort and prepare and help our little one.  He is faithful...in all things He is faithful.

The Finish Line

We are so close!  The finish line is in sight and this week we will know the day when this sweet girl will be placed in our arms forever!

Earlier this week our paperwork was finished up and our agency let us know we were waiting for our travel approval.  They expected it would be 1-2 weeks (I have even see people wait 3 weeks recently) so you can imagine my shock on Friday morning at 6:30am when I checked my email (as every crazy adoptive mother does!) and found that we had received travel approval from China in just two days!  We can go and get our girl!!!

Tomorrow we should find out when our consulate appointment (CA) has been scheduled and then we can book our flights!  We hope to be leaving in just over two weeks but it may be three if the consulate appointments are booked.  We gave our top 5 dates for CA and will hear soon when our appointment is.  It will be so good just to know!

In other news...

Let's see.

Nope, this has been pretty consuming!

Well, I had an x-ray on Friday to check if I have a stress fracture in my left foot (last time was my right).  Sigh.  I have been having pain for months and finally got around to asking the doctor about it.  I'm so frustrated with not being able to run or walk even without pain.

Hannah is over the moon excited to be going with us to China.  We are....ahem...how shall we say a little nervous to be taking her with us!  We believe it is the best choice for our family but we know that does not mean it will be easy necessarily.  We are praying she does really well with all the traveling, being away from home, time changes, meeting a new sister....what an adventure this will be!

The boys are doing really well with the thought of us being away.  We talk about it a lot, they remember when we went to get Hannah, we all know we will be sad to be apart, but we also know it will be okay and in the end we'll be all back together again.  I'm so thankful that my parents are able to stay with the boys while we are gone.  I think they will have a blast!

Matthew lost his first tooth ever yesterday!  It was a very exciting time at our house :)  He is growing up so quickly.  

We have lots and lots to do but I feel surprisingly calm.  I am praying that I can be present with the kids these last few weeks even though there is so much to do.  Everything is about to change again and I treasure this time as we count down the days to adding another precious treasure to our family!