The Soundtrack of My Life

I've been reflecting lately on the different seasons of life I have walked through over the last 15 years.  Times of joy, times of excitement, times of sorrow, times of grief, times of uncertainty...so many seasons.  When I look back on my life, I am often reminded of the songs that go with each season.  My life seems to have a soundtrack...songs that are connected with seasons.

A rough break-up....If You Want Me To (Ginny Owens)

Infertility...He's Always Been Faithful (Sara Groves), Yet I Will Praise (Vineyard), Praise You in the Storm (Casting Crowns)

Our first adoption journey...In the Waiting (FFH)

Home with Nathan...Worth it All (Rita Springer), So Far to Find You (Casting Crowns)

Waiting for Hannah...For a Thousand Years (Christina Perri)

Those are just a few that come to mind....there are so many more.  I have been reflecting a lot this week on the last year.  We made a choice last summer to bring home another little one, and it has changed me.  I have wrestled a lot over the last year with the "what if's" of Olivia's health.

What if there is more to her health condition than we know?

What if she really does have a brain tumor?

We said yes to bringing her home knowing this is a possibility.  We are not crazy, and we are not saints...we are simply trying to walk in obedience to God in this and we believe she is a treasure!  But I would be lying if I said I have not struggled a lot wondering what we will do or what it would do to our family...there were a couple of months where I laid awake at night unable to shut my mind off, and found myself waking up at 3am to stare at the wall for hours.

As the days went on, a new soundtrack started to play.

The Rock Won't Move (Vertical Church)

I Will Follow (Vertical Church)

None But Jesus (Hillsong)

Sovereign Over Us (Aaron Keyes)

Trust You, Jesus (Aaron Keyes)

Call on the Name (Vertical Church)

Cast My Cares (Tim Timmons)

These are the songs that play as I wash dishes and look out the window at my kiddos playing in the backyard.  They are the songs that play as I turn over in my mind the "what if's".  They are the songs that play as I chop vegetables and remember His faithfulness.

As the days went on, the new soundtrack impressed itself on my heart and the Word of God embedded itself deeply in my heart.  This is what I know:  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. (Heb 13:8).  He won't change, no matter what comes in our lives.  I know who He is and I know He is enough.

I sleep well at night now.  These days, I drift off without worrying.  The anxiety is gone, the fear has lost its grip, and now all I think is how strange it is that I don't worry about it.  It's a pretty big thing...it would be normal to worry!  But I'm learning that I don't need to worry even about the things that seem like they need worrying about!

I am working on packing, and two weeks from today I will meet a little girl who will be my daughter forever.  I can't seem to wrap my head around that.  She is loved....but we are strangers to her.  Although I can't wait to meet her, my heart aches for what is ahead for her.  People think, "Oh, she's little, she'll get over it, she doesn't really know."  But I know better.  I have heard the cries of little ones who have lost everything, and my heart aches because I know how hard this will be for her.  Now my prayers turn from all my concerns and I pray for God to comfort and prepare and help our little one.  He is faithful...in all things He is faithful.