Thoughts About Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a special day:  Mother's Day.  I don't think I've written about it before, but this is a particularly hard day of the year for me...or at least it has been for the last few years.  As it approached this year, I tried to figure out how I felt about it, and to be honest, the only feeling I had about it was fear.  I have been scared about how I will feel.  

I remember Mother's Day three years ago, being full of hope, imagining that soon I would be a mom.  

I remember Mother's Day two years ago, when I knew that maybe that was not to be.  I remember an usher offering me one of the Mother's Day gifts at church, and when I told him I didn't need one, he replied with some off-hand comment, "What? Aren't you a mother yet?"  Of course, he could not know how deeply those words cut, and I hope he did not see my tears as I turned and fled.  

I remember Mother's Day last year...as I skipped church in order to avoid it altogether.

This year, the hope is back.  I know I am going to be a mom!  I just don't know when.  Every day I feel even more strongly a sense that God is at work, and that there is a purpose in all of this.  I know God understands the longings of my heart, and in His time He will bring us together with the child He has for us.  I believe that our little one has already been born, and I pray often for this precious child on the other side of the world.  I could not have known three years ago where this journey would lead, but now that we are almost there, I can say with certainty that I would not have it any other way.  The heartache has taught me to trust God.  The tears have driven me to Him.  And one day, I believe that it will all be even more clear as I look into some beautiful, dark eyes, and know that I had to wait for this child.  Worth the wait?  I'm pretty sure what my answer on that one will be!

So instead of wallowing this year, instead of comparing and wishing and grieving, I am thankful for all the difficult times the Lord has brought me through, and I am looking forward with great excitement to being a mom to a special little Korean baby!  

I know there are so many people struggling with infertility or the loss of a child who find Mother's Day especially painful, and I will be praying for them tomorrow.   I am looking forward to spending some time snuggling my adorable nieces and my teeny tiny nephew, and being thankful my mom and my mother-in-law.   

And I think, after writing all this, that I'm not so scared of Mother's Day after all!