My Sad Little Sicky

Our house has been full of sickness for three weeks...it kind of feels like THREE MONTHS!

When my poor little Matthew gets a sickness that makes a normal person sick for two or three days, he manages to stretch it out into a three week long sickness extravaganza! We have been to the doctor three times this month, the first two times being sent home with the "It's just a virus" statement. Yikes, that was not worth my $25 co-pay! So even though Matthew was up again today at 4am being sick, I kind of hesitated to take him in. I didn't want to be "that mom" who overreacts to things, but I was feeling like he was just too sick for this to be a virus.

I mean, he was even falling asleep on the couch (which he never does)

And the floor (which he never, ever does)

As a side note, yes his hand is stuck in his pants...little buddy gets super itchy when he's sick! So funny, and so sad!

Anyways, so I took him back in again and found out that he has ear infections in both ears and probably has strep throat :( I am relieved to know what's been going on with him and thankful to be able to do something to help him at last.

Cause I have missed this smile:

I'm feeling pretty optimistic that happier days are ahead. My Mom is here to help me this week which is so great. Nathan and I are finally finding our groove...that little boy has found his way into my heart and I am actually really thankful for these last few difficult weeks because of all the one-on-one time I've been able to spend with Nathan. I really needed that. Plus, after how difficult October has been, I am just SURE that November is going to seem fabulous :)

Hopeful

Today it feels like a refreshing breeze is blowing through my soul. There is nothing different or better about today - things are pretty much the same here. I was up with Matthew for several hours last night as he was throwing up again. Two weeks of this stuff and no end in sight. There is no reason I should feel encouraged, but I do. No reason beyond answered prayers, that is. This season of my life has brought me to my knees in a whole new way, as I slowly realize there is only One who can make a difference in my life right now. Nobody else can fix this, nobody can take away the difficulties or ease my heartache except Jesus. When I turn it over to Him, there is peace. The situation doesn't necessarily change, but my heart does.

"He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake." Psalm 23:3

Today I know that I will make it through this difficult season of my life and I will be able to say with confidence that God was faithful in every moment. I will make it through, and I will know more about His love, more about His goodness, more about Him. That will make this all worth it.

Want to see a few pictures that just make me smile?

This man of mine makes me smile so much :) This has not been an easy season for our marriage, but he is the love of my life and the best Daddy to these little boys and I am so grateful for him. The weekends are so great just because he is around.

I hope Matthew's smile returns soon...it is such a great smile!

Two little boys out for a walk. Getting out of the house is the only way I keep my sanity some days!

Playing in the leaves. Fall is my favorite time of year!

Another favorite - reading books! Nathan is starting to really get interested in books and now that he can hear his attention span is so much longer. I love that he doesn't want to just sit by you - he wants to be as close as humanly possible to you!!! Such a snuggler :)

Nathan loves shoes! He is always putting on my shoes (or slippers) or Brad's shoes and walking around in them with a huge smile on his face. So funny!

Nathan and I have been able to spend quite a bit of one on one time together these last few days since Matthew's been sick. When Brad gets home Nathan and I head out to the store or something for a little while and it has been so good for us to be alone together. He has been all smiles the last few days and I really feel like we are connecting at long last. Another wonderful answer to prayer! We have a long way to go but we will get there, together.

What to Say

I don't know what to say. I can't seem to post anything anymore because I don't have any words. Life has been overwhelming for the last couple of weeks. What do you say when you are just trying to make it through each day? When you are so tired you can hardly think straight? When you are struggling to bond with a child who is struggling to bond with you? When the only free moments you have come at 9pm at night, and you are too exhausted to put any words together?

I guess you don't say anything. That's kind of where I'm at. I don't know what else to say anymore because I can't believe we are still in the same place we were in four months ago. The lack of sleep, combined with the fact that I am still battling mono, combined with sick kids, was just about enough to do me in last week. I honestly didn't think I could do another day of this.

But something happened. God happened.

I think the hardest part of all of this for me has been the internal conflict. Wrestling with myself, seeing my own imperfections so very clearly, learning to surrender control to the One who holds me in His hands. Coming to terms with the fact that we followed God as He led us for this adoption, and He has taken us down a harder road than we expected. Knowing that hard does not mean wrong. I am so thankful that despite how difficult it has been I have felt such assurance that God brought Nathan to us, and he is meant to be my son. Clinging to that has helped when my feelings have tried to tell me otherwise.

Last week our house was not a place of peace. Our house was filled with anxious, yelling, unhappy people. Poor Brad would return home from work each evening and walk in the door with a look on his face that showed he wished he could turn right around and head back to work! And I didn't blame him one bit.

It didn't come all at once, but surrender came. I have never before been so at the end of myself, out of strength, unable to pick myself up or make things better. I'm so relieved and grateful to serve a God who meets me right where I am. I don't have to clean myself up, get it together, figure it all out before I come to Him. I can just come, and lay it all before Him, and know that He hears, and He cares, and He will help. That is what I am learning - to go to Him with everything.

I could not manufacture peace in my own life, but He has brought it. I could not force a bond between myself and Nathan, but He has given us some moments in the last couple of days that have moved me to tears because they're so beautiful. Tiny little arms hugging tight around my neck. The way my heart flip-flops to see Nathan's smile when I enter the room. The smallest things that no one would notice - that I wasn't even noticing. A growing feeling in my heart that he is my son and I am his mother. No matter what.

So that's where I'm at. Still taking it one day at a time. Still learning to trust my Father with everything. Still failing a lot. Still here.

This weekend brought us the first sickness of the Fall.

Friday night Nathan was burning up with fever.

Then the other fun stuff began...I'll spare you the details :)

I have never seen Nathan so still or so quiet.

There were lots of snuggles and kisses for our sweet boy.

And I must admit, I didn't hate that part of the weekend :)

Still, I felt so bad for him.

Sunday afternoon was Matthew's turn.

He is the opposite of Nathan when he's sick - it's like they reverse roles!

Matthew is crabby, loud, crying, screaming.

Thankfully, he also slept a lot!

Poor baby was so pitiful this morning, just lying on the couch watching hours of Thomas the Tank Engine.

It was about 4pm this afternoon when I finally looked outside.

Talk about a perfect Fall day!

Blue sky, leaves changing color, not too cold...I just had to be out there!

Nathan has been doing better today, so he and I headed out for a stroll.

I pushed him in the stroller for a while, then set him free to get a little exercise.

He helped push...

and enjoyed the sights...

and of course, as with every walk we take, sat down on the sidewalk for a rest!

and we just had a grand old time!

Thankfully both of the boys seem to be feeling better, and so far Brad and I haven't caught that nasty little bug. I am hoping and praying it stays that way!

Oh, That Boy!

Every day is a surprise with this little boy. I never know what is going to come out of his mouth! He has me laughing so many times throughout the day and I am always telling him that he is so funny!

"Am I so funny, Mama?"

"Yes, Matthew, you are so funny!"

"Do I cwack you up?"

"Yes, Matthew, you really do crack me up!"

I thought I would share some of the funny things he has said lately.

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We've been having this conversation a lot about how God brought Matthew to our family. I was a bit surprised by Matthew's ending to the story! It goes something like this:

Me: Matthew, before you came, Mama was so sad. I wanted a baby so much, and I would cry and ask God to please bring me a baby. And who was the baby that God brought to me?

Matthew: It was ME! Mashew!

Me: That's right! And I said to God, "Oh, thank you thank you thank you for this beautiful baby!"

Matthew: "And God said, "You're welcome!"

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One of my favorite songs to sing to Matthew as we rock in the chair at night is "His Eye is on the Sparrow".

The real words are, "I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free..."

Matthew's version goes, "I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm FREAKING OUT!"

Thank you, Curious George, for giving my son a new favorite phrase :)

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Matthew likes to change the words to songs all the time. Maybe he does this because Brad and I are constantly making up songs of our own :) Either way, it's hilarious.

When Matthew was potty training a few weeks back, he would often not wear pants or a diaper when we were around the house during the day. One day as he was climbing up on the couch I reminded him, "No bare bums on the couch, please!"

A moment later as he sat playing with trains I heard him quietly singing, to the tune of "You Are My Sunshine"...

"You are my bare bum, my only bare bum, you make me happy (bare bum) when skies are grey (bare bum)..."

Oh goodness!

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Out of the blue one day...

"Are we rich, Mama?"

Quite the dilemma in how to answer! On the one hand, compared to many people in the world, yes we are rich. Ridiculously rich. But compared to rich people...no, not really! Plus, did he even know what the word "rich" means?

So I replied, "Yes, honey, we are rich in love!"

I love that at two and a half, he takes what I say at face value!

Now he often asks me, "Are we rich in love, Mama?"

"Yes, baby, we really are!"

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Lately I hear this one a lot:

"I haffin so much twubble, Mama!"

This can be about anything - Nathan taking his toys, accidentally spilling something...today it was because he couldn't get to sleep.

I just love it!

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I must say I am pretty surprised by what a little chatterbox Matthew has turned out to be! As a baby he was quiet, mellow, calm...and now I can't get him to sit and stop talking for anything!!!! I love it though, he is such a hoot!

Some Things I Love Right Now

I am loving these beautiful fall days! I even love the rainy ones. They are perfect for snuggling on the couch with my boys, building forts and reading books.

I love the new playgroup we have been attending to help Nathan with his speech.

I love that right now Nathan is trying to lift a ride-on toy that is almost as big as he is onto the couch. He is so spunky and persistent and he just cracks me up with the things he tries to do!

I love the moments of family time we have been enjoying, like this walk after dinner a couple of days ago. I love that Nathan made his "happy noise" pretty much the whole time he was running along. Spunk, I tell ya!

I love having conversations with Matthew and hearing about what he is thinking. "Does God sleep?"..."Does God have a head?"..."I want to tell you a story about a train!" He is a funny little boy and it is amazing to see him learning and growing. I love that he is learning to take more risks by watching his little brother (and by "taking more risks" I mean climbing all over everything and going down the slide all by himself! Matthew is not really much of a dare-devil!).

I love the random things that my boys find fascinating...like brick, for example.

I love that we have had two reasonably good nights of sleep in a row. Nathan has done really well with the toddler bed and I think we are making good progress. Sleep has been the most discouraging aspect of this transition but it is only one part so I'm trying to keep that in perspective. I would say the rest of Nathan's transition is going so well! For the most part the days are really good. I can't remember life without my little bundle of energy :)

I love all that I am learning as I read through the Bible this year. I am so thankful for God's unfailing love and the constant reminders throughout His Word about how faithful and kind He is. I see evidence of his goodness and patience every single day as He continues to work in my life despite my many failings.

I love that there are glimpses of the boys genuinely liking each other. They are starting to play more together and it is so precious. Worth the wait for sure!

I love coffee. I love chocolate raspberry creamer. A lot.

I love my friends and family who have really helped us so much through this time of change.

I love Nathan's dancing - he really knows how to boogie!

I love my life! I love that I am coming out of the fog, that we are feeling more and more settled everyday, and that I am able to spend my time playing with these two little ones. It is such a privilege!