A Little Secret

Do you want to know a secret? I mean, a real secret that I have hardly ever said out loud?

I was scared to death before Nathan came home. God had been at work in my heart for a long time about special needs adoption, and I knew that Nathan was my son, but still...I was terrified.

You know what I was so scared about?

I was scared about what people would say. I was scared that people would say unkind things to me about my son, because his ears look a little different, and I wouldn't know how to handle it. And deep down, I was scared that maybe I would see the differences, and they would affect how I felt about him.

That feels like an awful thing to say. It's hard to even type it. I would like to think I'm not that superficial, but I guess I just didn't know. I didn't know how our families would feel, I didn't know if it would be different raising a child with hearing loss, I didn't know what else we might face...but I knew he was to be mine.

God spoke to me a lot as I battled through this fear. One of the first things that came to mind as I prayed through these fears was a song from my childhood - "Be bold! Be strong! For the Lord your God is with you. Be bold! Be strong! For the Lord your God is with you."

And then, as the time came closer for Nathan to come home, and my fear got even stronger at times, God brought this verse to me:

"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

There was my answer. It would be okay. Even if people were unkind (which they haven't been - yet), God would be with me and would help me to respond. He would walk this road with me, so I didn't need to be afraid. You know what? I wasn't afraid anymore. It was just that simple. I could trust in Him and know that when the time came He would give me what I needed.

I really do know that Nathan's "special needs" are not that big of a deal. I don't think about the differences when I look at him - I just see my beautiful son! Now that we are living it, we are realizing just how manageable his needs are. Actually, it has been one of the most amazing things ever to get to see him hear for the first time! Before we brought him home, I thought his special needs would be a big part of parenting him. Now that he is here I see that they are a part of who he is, but there is certainly so much more to him! He is a spunky, hilarious, affectionate, bright, amazing little boy. We are so blessed to have him in our lives and every single day I thank God for not letting me give in to the fear. Oh, what I would have missed!

I wanted to encourage anyone out there who is considering adoption or who ever thinks about adopting a waiting child...pray, ask God, and He will make it so clear to you. And once He does, don't look back. There is nothing but joy to be found in following Him, even if it is hard, even if it means facing your fears and walking into the unknown. There are so many precious children just waiting for a Mom and a Dad to bring them home. Don't miss out just because of fear.

I also wanted to pass along a website where Nathan was photolisted. It is called RainbowKids. There are children of all ages from all over the world who are available for adoption, with all different kinds of special needs. I am pretty sure that is where we will look when we're ready to adopt again...down the road...in the future...Brad won't let me talk about it yet!!!!

You can register and then log in to see the photolistings. So many beautiful children!