One Year

One year ago today I found him. Looking at an online photolisting for waiting children, his face appeared and I literally gasped out loud, then let out a little giggle. I mean, really, check out that hair! I thought he was just about the cutest thing I had ever seen.

Every night I had come to Brad with another picture, another baby, another question - what about this child? Do you think we could handle these special needs? I could not stay away from the photolistings; I felt such a pull to keep checking back, as though I knew I was just waiting to find our baby.

I cannot tell you that I knew right away that Nathan was meant to be ours. I hoped, I prayed, I talked to Brad, and we went ahead and requested his file. We talked and prayed more, knowing we had to make a decision soon as another family was also looking at his file. In the end, it seemed like it just wasn't meant to be. We had no money saved yet, we had just started working with a different agency...it just seemed too hard.

So we said no. We told the agency that we were not able to be his family.

And I cried. I trusted Brad, I trusted God, I put Nathan's picture on the fridge to pray for him to find a family, and I cried.

Fast forward three months...Nathan still waited, many things had changed in our situation, and it seemed like a whirlwind as we began the process to adopt Nathan! God worked in so many amazing ways to make it possible for us to bring him home. It is hard to believe that just 11 months after we first saw his face, Nathan was running around in our house! What an amazing journey this has been.

He was always meant to be mine.

My Two Little Boys

People ask us a lot how old the boys are. We sometimes get the "Are they twins?" question, but not too often (I think that the size difference between them is pretty obvious). Every time I answer that they are 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 years old, I think to myself, "Wow, that's a little crazy!" I never dreamed I would have children so close in age, but I have to say it is pretty fun most of the time.

There are some great things about having them so close in age and having Nathan come home at 17 months old. For one thing, I didn't have to buy any new clothes! I mean, I did buy new clothes, because it's hard to resist...but I didn't have to :) We just have one closet full of boys stuff and we mix and match whatever fits each boy.

For another thing, they like the same toys. This is both a good thing and a hard thing. Nathan mostly likes to play with whatever Matthew is playing with :) Of course, this is a challenge for Matthew and I am learning about how much to intervene and how much to let them figure it out for themselves.

I love that both boys can walk. Nathan still loves to be carried a lot, but it is more for him to feel secure rather than because he can't. It is so fun to have them run around the yard together!

I love that they're both at an age where they can understand simple directions. Nathan has been amazing us this week in what he is understanding, both because of his hearing and also because he has not been hearing English for that long. Tonight I offered him something at dinner, he signed "all done", then pointed to something else and signed "more"! It is great to be able to communicate with him. And Matthew...well, he is just a riot right now with the things he says. He has a great sense of humor already!

I think the hard part about having two little ones so close in age is just summed up in one word: neediness. Man, are they needy at this age! They want my attention, they want me to help them, they want to snuggle...don't get me wrong, I love love love being with my boys, but sometimes it is just so tiring to be constantly needed like that. I know this is just a season, though, so I am trying to enjoy being needed :) One day I know I will just long for the days of having both my boys snuggled on my lap.

Overall, it is a lot of fun having the boys at this age and so close together. Or maybe I should say, when we've all had a good night's sleep it's a lot of fun :)

Life Is

Life right now is one step at a time. It is learning to slow down and taking time to sit on the floor and play with my boys instead of doing dishes. It is taking things as they come and learning to muddle through.

Life is challenging. It is holding a baby who is still grieving and scared, and trying to remember this will not last forever. It is crying on the phone with the social worker and wondering if anything will ever be okay again. It is some very long nights with very little sleep, and some days that are rough from beginning to end. Thankfully, it is also some amazingly good days and even one night of ten straight hours of sleep. It is a baby who is increasingly easy to get to sleep and a baby who is relaxing and starting to trust us.

Life is surprising. It is filled with emotions like love and a desire to protect and a growing assurance that I am this little boy's mom. It is moments of pure joy when he sneaks up on my lap and offers kisses and hugs and smiles...just because. It is being stretched and growing in ways I did not anticipate. It is being caught by surprise to find myself dreaming of our next child and wondering what else God has in store for our family down the road.

Life right now is a new adventure. It is starting a journey with a child with hearing loss, it is meeting new friends and learning how to best help our son. It is appointments and tests and specialists and it is learning to trust God in a big way. It is dealing with special needs we were not aware of, and realizing that no matter what the future holds, we would pick this little boy a thousand times over. It is thanking God that fear did not get the best of us and keep us from bringing home our sweet boy.

Life is just blessings upon blessings. Though some moments are so difficult we wonder how we will make it through, it is these times that make the good times that much sweeter. We marvel at our boys and at the transformation that is happening as we become a family. It is hard work, but the reward is so worth it. Beautifully difficult. I read those words somewhere not long before Nathan came home, and something inside of me told me they would describe our journey to becoming a family of four. I think it just says it all.

Life right now?

I don't think it could get any better.

Matthew's Shadow

It's pretty easy to find Nathan around our house - just look for Matthew, and trailing right behind him you will find his little shadow, Nathan! The boys are pretty inseparable now (not really by Matthew's choice!) and it is so cute to see them together.

Nathan follows along and does everything that Matthew does (good or bad). The first time we played outside, Matthew grabbed a stick as he always does and headed over to the shed where he pretends to try to open up the lock on the shed with the stick. The fun ride-on toys are in there :) Nathan followed him around the yard, grabbed a stick of his own, and spent some time trying to open the lock with his stick.

Brad and I laughed so hard at the interaction we heard as Matthew said to Nathan in a most annoyed tone, "No, Nathan, that stick too big!"

Yes, Matthew is teaching him all kinds of important things!

Say Good-bye to Free Time

One of the hardest adjustments for me over the last 3 weeks has been getting used to never having a moment to myself. With Matthew, we had a routine. I know him, and I am able to be in a different room than he is without worrying that he will get hurt or destroy something. He had a predictable bedtime and by around 8pm most nights, I was done for the day.

Enter Nathan.

This kid has taken our family from 0-100mph in no time flat! It feels like we are always running after him, always catching him as he walks off the couch, always saying things like, "No, don't eat that Nathan!" or, "Get off Matthew's head please, Nathan!"

Never a dull moment, as you can imagine.

Don't get me wrong - I love this little guy! His spunk is awesome and he cracks us up all the time. But he is exhausting!

At the moment, he is pretty clingy with me, not wanting me to leave the room...or move 2 feet away from him. I am not sure how to get things done with a little one (actually, a heavy little one!) on my hip all the time. I try to put him on my back in the carrier as much as possible, but I get tired out pretty quickly. It's a challenge to do dishes and keep him from putting toys from the fridge into the dogs water at the same time. Sigh.

I have struggled most with not having downtime at night to relax with Brad. I used to have at least a couple of hours after Matthew went to bed to pick up the house, fold laundry, watch tv, read a book...it's been hard not having that. Nathan's schedule in Korea said that he slept from 10pm till 6am every night. Um, that's not going to work here I'm afraid! Even though he adjusted quickly to the time here, he went right onto that schedule and was up late every night. If we tried to put him down sooner in our bed, he just rolled and rolled and laughed and climbed until it was either 10pm or we got him up for a while and tried again later.

It just wasn't working.

Since he's been in the crib, we have been working at getting him down closer to 8pm. The first couple of nights we did 9pm, and it took a while. Then we started taking him in for his bottle at 8:30pm, and he started falling asleep more quickly. Then it was 8pm, and tonight I took him in at 7:30pm and he was asleep by 8pm! We have been taking Matthew in after Nathan is asleep so that he doesn't wake him up, and staying until Matthew falls asleep. Tonight I was out of the boys' room by 8:45pm, which felt like a major accomplishment. Don't get me wrong, sleep is not going perfectly around here by any means. There were about 2 1/2 hours of crying/fussing in the middle of the night last night that left us totally wiped out today. But all in all, I feel like we're making progress in the right direction.

Best of all, it is 9pm, I think I can manage to stay awake for another hour, and I have the house all to myself! I'm so thankful for some quiet time to just be.

And of course, to recover so that I'm ready to hit the ground running tomorrow when the troops awaken :)

We're Still Here!

Life with two toddlers is busy, busy, busy! It seems like every moment from waking to sleeping is filled with activity :) I am thankfully starting to feel much better, which is good if I am ever going to keep up with these two little guys!

I am feeling so happy and thankful today. I can see so much obvious change in our family over the last week and it makes me breathe easier. I feel so reassured that we are not only going to survive this, but that God is making us into a real little family. Nathan is such a joy and adding him to our family has brought such blessings into our lives. Granted, it was hard to see that at first :) But every day the blessings are becoming more obvious and the challenges are fading away.

My Mom and my sister have been here this week to help me and it has been so wonderful. I really love having people clean up my kitchen while I take a nap :) I actually took the boys on a trip to the store the other day by myself and I'm feeling more and more confident that I'll be able to handle this alone soon.

Sleep has continued to be our biggest challenge, but I feel like we're making progress in that department too. It seems to be a two step forward, one step back kind of thing, but gradually it is getting better. Last night Nathan slept in his crib from 8pm until 7am, waking up once for about 45 minutes and crying on and off. Brad and I are taking turns sleeping in the boys' bedroom right now and Nathan is starting to be able to be comforted more by us when we put our hand through the crib rails. That is the best night's sleep we've had since he arrived! It makes a big difference to get some sleep.

Something else that has me smiling - I am really enjoying watching these two little boys become brothers. It's funny but seeing Nathan climbing all over Matthew (and Matthew not minding) is one of my favorite things!

I have so many cute pictures to post but my silly computer (or maybe blogger) is giving me trouble so they'll have to wait.

Back to the action! I think Nathan is trying to ride the dog like a horse again...sigh.