A Little Bit of Honesty

I had this happy, perky post going around in my head today, but...well, to be honest, I am just not feeling that perky. So that one will have to wait while I share a little bit about what is on my heart today.

I have always been a worrier. For as long as I can remember, I have worried and been anxious about anything and everything. This has been something I have struggled with my whole life - I remember as a little girl how I would get sick to my stomach at recess because I was so worried about having to go and play with friends. That is some hard core worrying!

The Lord has been dealing with me on this issue for a long time now. In some ways, I know I have gained victory in this area because I no longer get physically ill when I'm worried about stuff. But in other ways, I feel like I am just starting the journey.

About three days after Matthew came home, I experienced the deepest fear I think I have ever felt. I suddenly realized how completely in love with this little boy I was. I realized that if something happened to him...it would tear me apart. I realized that as much as I sometimes wish I was, I am not in control of everything in life. And that scared me. A lot. What if he gets sick? What if we are in an accident? What if someone takes him? What if....? And the list goes on, and on, and on.

I read on someone's blog once that it is even harder to trust the Lord with your child's life than with your own life. I think that is so true. This is what it comes down to - do I trust the Lord, even with this little one who I love so much?

I had just come to the conclusion that yes, I did trust Him and would let go of this fear...and then Matthew got sick. And then we found out about his allergies. To be honest, I have been struggling mightily these last few weeks. To know that something as stupid as a peanut could hurt him so badly, or even take him from me...it is frightening. To know that someone else might accidentally give him something with peanut or another nut in it makes my stomach go into knots. To know that I might accidentally do it...I don't even have words for that thought.

Now I know that there are many, many worse things we could be dealing with. I really do know that. In the big scheme of things, this is not the end of the world and I know that in time this will be our new "normal". As I work through it, though, it is scary. I am learning that I have to let go or I will drive myself crazy with worry. I have to decide if I truly believe what I say I believe. Do I really believe there is a God who is in control? Do I believe that He is good? Do I believe that no matter what happens, He will not leave me or abandon me? Yes, I do. My faith is being challenged, but in a good way I think. Growth is hard, but good. I have to trust Him.

Tonight Brad and I prayed for our sweet little Matthew. He is still struggling, and we don't know why. He continues to turn red on his face and arms almost every time he eats. Today it was worse than it has been and even Benadryl didn't seem to calm it down. It is obvious that he doesn't feel well. We don't know what to do...but we know the One who knows everything about our little guy, inside and out. We prayed for wisdom, and answers, and help. And we know that our God hears our prayers and will help us.

This verse has been on my heart a lot lately. Tonight I have peace because I know that my God can be trusted.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal."

Isaiah 26:3-4

Snow Fun

I am so glad that Matthew is feeling better and that we can finally leave the house! In the last two days I have been to the library, gone on an out-of-town trip with a friend to find "safe" foods for Matthew, gone for a walk, and been sledding! We have been having so much fun!

Yesterday was so beautiful and sunny, so we just had to get outside. It was still pretty cold here (I think it didn't quite reach 40 degrees) but the sun made it feel really nice. I bundled up the baby, got Daisie ready to go, and off we went! We went to visit my sister (also known as "Aunt Jojo") since she doesn't live too far from our house, but sadly she was not home :( We took a picture to show her that we did try to come and visit!

Yesterday evening we had pizza with friends and then got to go sledding at their house. We had a blast! I was a little nervous about how Matthew would do (since the last snow exposure was not too well received) but he was much happier this time. I think mostly he doesn't like being in his marshmallow suit :) He cried a little but seemed to enjoy himself, especially riding down the little hill on an inner tube with mommy or daddy!

The best part - he didn't take an afternoon nap yesterday and was so worn out from sledding that he slept from 8pm last night until 8:30am today! We are thankful to be sleeping again :)

So Long, Bottles!

Tonight as I cleaned up the kitchen, it caught my eye. The bottle rack dryer thingy that has been sitting beside the sink since Matthew arrived. Suddenly the realization hit me - it doesn't need to be there anymore. It is still sitting there, with all of the clean and dry bottles on it, and has been for weeks...but it doesn't need to be. My baby doesn't drink from a bottle anymore.

Now, I know this happens to all babies :) It just seems like it came so fast! At about 13 months we switched him over to milk during the day, but we kept his night bottle because it is such a bonding time for us.

And then he got sick. He wasn't eating, was throwing up a lot, and we took a few days off from the bottle. Then we found out he was allergic to soy (or so we thought) so we assumed giving him soy formula wouldn't be good. Suddenly, without us even really noticing, our little boy doesn't get bottles anymore. And I didn't even get to say good-bye!

I will miss this snuggle time so much. Even though we read books and snuggle in the chair before bed, it isn't the same. When he took his bottle, he would stare up into my eyes and touch my face with his hands...these were some of the most precious memories I have from when he first came home. I will miss that. Everyone says they grow up too fast...now I know that is the truth!

{Matthew's first bottle here at home...

and a very flattering picture of me! HA!

I think I was feeling a little tired!}

Wordless Wednesday {Fishy Lips}

Busy Day

We had a busy and very productive day around here! This morning was Matthew's appointment with the allergist...let me say that this little boy did very well considering the appointment took 1 1/2 hours and happened EXACTLY when he would normally be taking his morning nap! He really was an angel.

The doctor was very nice and we were able to get some more info about Matthew's allergies. He was not worried about the dog allergy (Daisie is breathing a sigh of relief tonight!), and he did the allergy skin test to see what kind of reaction Matthew had to the different foods. It didn't hurt at all, and basically they just put a bunch of different liquids on Matthew's back to see which would bump up (indicating a reaction). After a few minutes, it became clear that he does have a severe egg allergy and also a severe peanut allergy.

The good news of the day, however, is that he does NOT have a milk and soy allergy!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!! Apparently an allergy can show up on a blood test, but that does not necessarily mean you will have a reaction to the food when you eat it. The soy one showed up on the blood test because it is a similar protein to peanut. Matthew is still going to be off milk until the summer, because he has struggled with eczema, but then we can try introducing it slowly. I am so very happy about this!

The egg and the peanut allergies (actually he is allergic to all tree nuts) were what we expected so it wasn't really bad news. It is scary to realize that these things could make him very sick, and I feel sad that we were making him so sick by feeding him egg for the last couple of months (of course we didn't know, but I still feel bad). Thankfully now we can get him feeling better!

After the appointment, we came home and the three of us (Matthew, Daisie and I) had some lunch followed by a glorious two-hour nap. When Brad got home, we headed out to the store and got Matthew a much needed haircut. He did really well again (this was his second haircut) and it was so neat to see how much he has changed since the last haircut in November. Last time he sat so still, didn't make a sound, didn't move...tonight he was smiling and looking around...it is so good to see how much more secure he seems these days.

We came home, had dinner, played a rousing game of "peek-a-boo", enjoyed some crazy giggling, and then Matthew went to bed without a peep :)

Now I am off to watch American Idol and clean the bedroom. It was a good day!

Just What I Needed

After a long and exhausting week, I definitely needed this! We had a wonderful weekend with friends, I got to leave the house (thanks to my sister and mother-in-law for taking turns baby-sitting!), and the stress really melted away as I spent time with people I just love being with.

I totally needed to pig out at Outback on some ribs and french fries...

...with our dear friends and their girlies...

...and our fabulous friends Stan and Sue who came all the way

from Canada just to cheer me up! Well, actually they came for the

annual Nascar party...but they did cheer me up! Thanks for keeping me laughing all weekend, guys :)

And of course it was wonderful to celebrate Valentine's Day

with my one true love. This man...there just aren't words

to say how great he is. I love you, babe! Thanks for putting

up with a crazy wife :) There's no one else I'd rather share

this adventure with!

The weekend was also wonderful because this little boy is feeling so good! He is smiling and laughing all the time now, his skin has cleared up completely and is so soft I can hardly believe it. I just think he must be feeling so much better now that all those things that make him feel sick aren't being fed to him anymore :)

We head to the allergist tomorrow morning for a full evaluation and hopefully to get more info about how severe these allergies really are. The totally overwhelmed feeling is starting to pass...we can do this! It is so worth it to see my baby feeling better, that's for sure. And so...I will learn to cook!