Expectations

In the last three months I have found myself stretched and challenged more than perhaps ever before in my life. I have learned so much and slowly but surely God has been changing my perspective on many things. Oh, but where to begin!

I have fought and struggled against these difficult times. I have whined, complained, raged, and told the Lord (and Brad) how desperately I wanted things to get easier. I didn't want to do hard anymore. I wanted peace, and quiet, and rest. I wanted nicely behaved children who were the best of friends. I wanted perfectly planned days with naps at the same time every day and a predictable schedule. I wanted to sleep! Oh goodness, did I ever want sleep! I found myself getting angrier and angrier every time that I was awakened. Why did it have to be so hard all the time? I just wanted it to be easy.

God used something my husband said to get my attention. Actually, Brad said it a bunch of times, everytime I started complaining. And at the time, it made me mad! I mean, really mad!

"It's not going to get easier. Not for a long time. This is just how it is."

That was NOT what I wanted to hear! I wanted to hear that it would soon be better, that in just a few days or weeks, life would be easier, children would be happier, and I would be well rested every single day.

But as I prayed, and thought about it some more, I realized something. This is just life. I don't mean that in a depressed, down-and-out sort of way - this is life so I'd better just deal with it. No, what I mean is that there are always going to be challenges. Life is never going to be perfect and easy. So I can either spend my time wishing away these days, or I can accept how things are and make the most of each day. It sounds so cliche, but it's true! I was living to survive each day - to make it to bedtime. I was dreading the morning and starting it all over again. I had all of these expectations of how I wanted things to go, things I wanted to get done, fun I wanted to have with the boys, and when things didn't work out how I'd expected I was a mess. I felt cheated, angry, frustrated. ALL of the time. Yes, I've been a joy to live with.

As my perspective started to change, I found myself starting to enjoy life again. So naptime doesn't go exactly how I'd hoped - but at least I get to cuddle my sweet boys a bit more. So I didn't get to all the laundry today (or any of it!) - well, it will still be there tomorrow and maybe I'll be able to do more then. So I can't go out to a fancy dinner and movie with my husband - but I got to go out for a quick breakfast and sit and talk with him without children around! I'm starting to be able to see the good instead of just focusing on the bad. And now that I've adjusted my expectations, it's okay that life isn't perfect! Nothing has really changed, but I feel such a sense of peace in realizing that my hope is not in having a perfect day, or enough sleep, or children who behave themselves. My hope is in God, in His Word, in His promises. To know that He will give me the strength I need for whatever kind of day we have. To know that whether the day starts at 4am or 9am, it will be okay because He is with me. And to know that even if I lose it and my attitude stinks one day, I can be forgiven and start again the next day with a clean slate. It is a freedom I don't think I've ever experienced before.

One of the biggest blessings is how much more I am enjoying these two:

Instead of wishing for the days when they are older and things are easier, I am learning to enjoy these precious moments. Everyone always tells me how quickly the days go, and I know they are right. I know that one day I will be well rested again, but my little boys will be grown and gone and I'll be looking back at this time and realizing just how amazing these times were. I don't want to miss it!

I know this is a rambling post - Nathan woke up from his nap earlier than I expected so I was trying to finish sharing my thoughts while also having a dance party :) Let me tell you, this kid has some moves! I'm so glad to be enjoying them instead of being frustrated that he's not still sleeping!!!! I hope and pray I can keep this perspective because it makes life a LOT more fun!