Things I've Learned from Loving Seth

It has been a difficult couple of weeks.  The weight of sadness has been heavy and our hearts have been aching.  Every plan for the future had our Seth in it and trying to wrap our heads around the fact that now he will not be here with us has been so hard.

Yet even in our sadness, we have hope.  The Lord has brought comfort through His Word and through our families and friends.  We have felt so loved and we are so thankful for all who have cared for our family and grieved with us for Seth.

Last Saturday I had some time in the house by myself (which is a pretty rare thing!).  As I cleaned up the kitchen, I talked to God about the week.  It wasn't long before the "why" question came out of my mouth.  But as the tears fell, I realized that my "why" question wasn't, "Why did he die?"

It was, "Why did I have to love him?"

What if I had never seen his sweet face that day on Facebook?  What if I had passed by the post and not opened up the link and read about him?

I wouldn't be hurting now.  I could have missed this.

But as I cried, the Lord showed me what else I would have missed.

I would have missed an opportunity to see the incredible power and the BIGNESS of my God.  I have seen it firsthand - nothing is impossible to God.  He has moved mountains these last few months, for us, for Seth.  I would have missed seeing His powerful answers to desperate prayers.

I would have missed the chance to understand God's heart more.  I can see now and understand more fully how God loves me.  By the world's standards, Seth did not have much to give.  He couldn't see, or walk, or talk, and yet to me he was a priceless treasure.  I just loved him and longed to be with him.  I can understand now a little more how deeply God loves me.  Not for what I can do, not for what I can bring to Him - for that is nothing.  And yet He loves me desperately and longs for me to know Him.  He sent Jesus to die in my place, to make a way for me to be forgiven so that I can be with Him!  He just loves me.

I would have missed so much if I hadn't seen Seth that day.  I would have missed the chance to teach my kids about compassion and that every person is precious in the eyes of God.  I would have missed getting to show them that God hears and answers prayers - for they have seen it and lived it these last few months!

It is not what we hoped for or expected, but we are thankful to our gracious God anyway.  We are thankful for God's great mercy in taking Seth to a beautiful place for his last week on earth where he was valued, loved, cared for, fed, held...and he did not die alone.  He was loved by so many!  I am thankful for the lives he has touched and the ways he has changed us.  We will never be the same.  We are thankful for God's mercy and goodness and the ways that has been revealed to us these last few months.  We are thankful for peace that passes all understanding.  He has been so good to us.

We won't ever, ever forget our sweet boy.  His picture will always be on our wall, his story will always be told, and we will always thank God for the time we had to love him.  I'm so glad I got to love him.

Heartbreak

It's been quite the week here.

A hard, heartbreaking, difficult, tear-filled week.

On Tuesday I got a phone call that changed our lives.  Our sweet Seth had passed away unexpectedly earlier in the day.  Passed away.  My brain couldn't make sense of the words.  I sank to the floor and tried to breathe.  How could he be gone?

We had received an update earlier in the week - he was doing so well.  He was happy, and he was starting to bear weight on his legs.  We had so much hope for the future for our little boy.  So much hope.

In a moment, that was all gone.  Everything changed.  

Our hearts ache and we wonder where we go from here.  For now, we pray, we wait, we trust in the One who loves Seth even more than we do.  And we remember with smiles and tears the little boy from across the world who changed everything for us.  He will never be forgotten.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God;

my hope comes from Him.

Truly He is my rock and my salvation;

He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;

He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in Him at all times, you people;

pour out your hearts to Him,

for God is our refuge."

Psalm 62:5-8

A Sweet Little Boy a World Away

Tonight, my mind is a million miles away.

Well, maybe not that far....but almost.  My mind and my heart are dreaming of a little boy across the world.

It's been almost four months since I first saw Seth's face.  I've never held him, never kissed him, never touched his face, but already he is a part of me.  He has captured me in a way I have never experienced before and I long for the day when he is mine.

Adoption is scary.  It just is.  The unknowns, the questions, the uncertainty...it's easy to be afraid.  I have been afraid every single time.

Until this time.

This time, when looking at it logically, I should be most afraid.

People ask me - how will you care for a blind child?  Well....

Do you know anything about raising a blind child?  Nope...

Will he ever walk? I just don't know the answer to that...

There are a whole lot of unknowns!  There is so much to learn, I don't even know where to start.  I have no idea what it will be like.  My mind races wondering how many appointments we will have his first year home!  He is seven - so different from any adoption experience we have had so far.  He can't talk - how will we communicate?  So many unknowns.

And yet.

In all that, all the uncertainty about what lies ahead, I have never been more certain.

God has put in my heart a desire to love and fight for and care for this precious boy.  Whatever that means, however hard it is, no matter the cost.  It is unwavering and it is strong and I am not afraid.

Please do not for a moment let yourself think any sort of nonsense about how strong I am or how much faith I have or that I am anything special.  Sometimes people say things like that - "You are amazing!" or "I could never..."

And I chuckle, because I know the truth.

Oh, friends, we are so very ordinary!  We have struggles and we fail and this parenting thing is hard and a lot of days, we're not very good at it.  We are not strong and we don't know all the answers.  But the reason we could say "yes", the reason we can walk forward without fear is because of Who we know.  He has turned our, "We could never...." into "We could, if He wanted us to."  We have seen that this God we serve is mighty and bigger than we ever knew and He is able to do what we are not.

So that's why I'm not afraid.  I may have no clue how I will raise a blind child, but I am confident that I can learn and that the Lord will be with us every step of the day, every moment.  I know it might be really hard.  I know there are probably things ahead that will be beyond me - but they will not be beyond Him.  The One who goes before us, who leads us, He will help us.  He will not fail us.

That is why I am confident.  I know who He is.

Togetherness

As with many things in life, there are blessings and challenges that go along with our choice to homeschool.  This year it feels like we are really settling into our choice more and finding our groove a bit.  I have loved our curriculum choices this year and am planning to continue with most of them for next year as well.

Being together is a blessing.  And a challenge :)  Having more space has made a huge difference and it sometimes feels like a whole new life living here!  It is wonderful being together but sometimes it's great to just be apart for a while, too!

One of my favorite things we've discovered this year is a curriculum called Bible Study Guide for All Ages.  We spent several weeks working through the story of Joseph and now are working through Daniel and we are all learning so much!  My favorite part about it is that we actually read the Bible together, rather than just learning about the Bible.  

At this age, the kids do a lot of learning through play.  One day I found the kids all together teaching Livvy how to play a matching game.  Please don't think for a second that this is how every moment of the day goes!  It's actually the opposite some days - it seems like all our time is taken up with learning how to get along.  Those days are H-A-R-D!  But sometimes it is like this, and so of course I smile and take a picture to prove it happens!

I'm thankful for the time with my littles and I really love that we've had the chance to homeschool.

Still Here {A New Here!}

It's been SO long!  Life seems to be so full right now but honestly it's not full of things that seem like they'd be interesting to anyone else :)

The last couple of months have been kind of insane.  Lots of good stuff happening, like this:

This is us in our new kitchen!  Yes, we were able to move into an amazing new house in a very short amount of time.  I often look around and shake my head in wonder at how everything worked out.  We LOVE it here and having more space is just incredible.  Everything feels easier!  We are settling in well and the kids are really happy here.

We still have our old house and are planning to rent it out as soon as possible.  Unfortunately life is so busy and we still have jobs to finish up over there.  It is hard to find time to do everything these days but bit by bit we are getting there.

Our days have also been filled with adoption paperwork as we work to bring our sweet Seth home.  We hope to have our home study finished up soon.  This week we are working on some training videos - right now we're working through one telling us to make sure self care is a priority and to be sure to get enough sleep - which makes Brad and I look at each other with bleary eyes and chuckle!  Sure, we'll get right on that!  Sometimes these things are easier said than done.

The last few days we have had beautiful weather!  I am so happy to see the snow melting and to hear the birds singing.  We are ready for spring!

The Story of Seth {And Then There Were Five}

I shared this on Facebook today and am excited to be sharing here as well what the Lord has been doing in our lives!

“In a crib, in an orphanage, halfway around the world, sits a boy. He’s easy to miss, as he sits there quietly with his head bowed. You might even pass him by, unless you took the time to look into his face, pick him up, hold him in your arms. At that moment, he becomes unforgettable.”

It was mid-December when I first read these words. They were written by a woman, Ashley, who had visited an orphanage in China. She wrote a blog post about a little boy she called Seth and it appeared in my facebook timeline when a friend shared it. I see a lot of these posts about children waiting for families, many every day. I often do not read them because it’s just so hard on my heart.

But for some reason that day, I opened the link. I read the blog.
Her words broke me. I read about Seth, a 6-year-old boy who could not see, or talk, or walk, who spent his days sitting in a crib. I looked at his pictures and watched a video of him. His smile was so beautiful and my heart was shattered to think of him all alone, without a family to care for him or love him.

I couldn’t get him out of my head. I laid awake at night for hours and hours with tears streaming down my face in the dark. I know there are children all over the world living like this, but to see this child and his smile and sweet spirit…it broke me.

“Lord, who will touch him? Who will hold him? Who will sing to him and tell him that he is loved?”

Ashley’s words echoed in my own heart until I could not bear it any longer.

With my heart beating so fast I thought it might burst, I took his picture and story to Brad. It’s happened a few times over the last few years. Sometimes he says yes (Nathan and Olivia!) and other times he says no, this is not where the Lord is taking us. I am so thankful to know that I can share my heart with him and trust that he will seek God and lead our family so well. I fully expected him to say no but to pray with me for a family for Seth.

Seth’s picture went on our fridge, and we did pray. We prayed earnestly with tears for this little boy. We talked and talked and prayed and prayed. And then one day we were standing in the kitchen and Brad looked at me and said, “We can’t leave him there.”

And that was that. We won’t leave him there. We have our answer to who will touch him, who will hold him and sing to him and tell him that he’s loved. We will. We will do it.

So with GREAT JOY I am ready to share that we have received Pre-Approval from China to move forward in adopting Seth! There are many challenges ahead and lots for us to learn, but we know this: we will not be going alone. The Lord is Mighty and He will provide all we need. We trust in Him completely and are so thankful for the gift He is giving us in Seth. He is a treasure and we have nothing but excitement to add him to our family. We do this not because we feel we should, but because we can and because we want to! God is weaving an extraordinary story for our family, one that we never could have imagined, but He has changed us along the way in ways we never expected and we can’t wait to see what else He is going to do!

We certainly would appreciate your prayers in the days ahead. Pray for Seth, that he will receive the care and attention he needs. Pray for our family as we look to move house very soon to make room for our ever-expanding family! Pray that we keep the Lord always before us and remember that with God, all things are possible!