Birthday Boy!

If you ask Matthew how old he is, he will answer you: "FWEE!!!!!"

Yes, my little baby turned three years old on Friday!

We were so excited to celebrate and it was lots of fun this year

now that he understands more about what is going on.

The big hit of the day: balloons!

I made a cake but it turned out kind of ugly so there will be no pictures here!

Brad's comment when he came in the kitchen to see the decorated cake:

"Oh, it doesn't look as bad as I expected!"

Thanks, hon :)

Cake decorating isn't my strong suit.

On the bright side, I think it tasted okay.

My favorite memory of the day came right before bedtime.

Matthew and Brad were watching Matthew's new train movie

while I cleaned up a little. When I came back in from the kitchen, this is what I found:

It was so funny how intently they were both watching!

Happy birthday to my amazing, funny, sweet boy!

You have blessed our lives more than we ever dreamed possible.

It's Easy to Forget

It's easy to forget that adoption is born out of terrible loss. It's easy to push that aside, to think of my joy, to remember my side of our adoption story and see how great it has turned out. It's easy to say things like, "They are so young; they don't understand," and, "They won't remember anyway." It's easy to think that because they are wanted and loved and have a family now, somehow that balances out with the fact that they have lost everything that is safe and familiar and home.

You know when it is hard to forget those things? At 2am when your child is screaming and sobbing and crying for his Omma. It would be easy to pretend he's saying, "Mama," but you know he isn't, because he is fighting to push you away with everything in him and reaching for someone who isn't here anymore. It would be easy to tell yourself that he just had a nightmare, that he's been home almost 6 months and surely he isn't still thinking of Korea. But if you saw the look on his face, you would know that isn't true. And you would never again say that he didn't understand what happened to him.

Thankfully, eventually the screaming stops, and he gives in and whispers a quiet, "Mama" as he leans into your chest. He is accepting that you are now his mama, but remembering that you weren't always.

In the morning, it is business as usual; smiles, hugs and a little boy who just won't let you out of his sight.

I wonder sometimes - is he afraid that I will disappear, too? I hold him more tightly and whisper a promise in his ear, telling him that I will spend my lifetime letting him know that he is mine, now and always.

How Good Was Our Thanksgiving?

Oh yes, it was this good.

It was so good that the boys were out cold five minutes after leaving our wonderful Thanksgiving celebration with Brad's family.

It was also so good that I forgot to take any pictures! Oops!

Oh well, the rest of the weekend was great as well with my family coming for a visit. My boys are so blessed with such great grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins!

Our hearts are full of thanksgiving for all that God has done for us!

The Littlest One

High up on the list of things I love about Nathan are his hilarious laugh and the way his dimples appear when he smiles really big.

Something else I love - how much Nathan adores his Daddy! The other day Brad was out working on something in the garage while I fixed dinner. When I turned around this is what I saw:

Nathan just had to see what Daddy was up to! You should see the way that he runs to the door screaming with glee when Brad gets home - it's priceless.

I'm finding it harder and harder to remember life before Nathan :)

That Was a Lot of Fun to Fit Into One Day!

Whew! I am tired just looking at the pictures from our fun day yesterday!

We started the day with speech therapy - Nathan is doing so well and it is great to see his progress from week to week.

Then with the morning looming before us, we decided to make a tunnel out of the couch cushions. The boys love to chase echo other around and around.

Then of course I had to put a couch cushion on them and pretend to sit on them and be so surprised by how lumpy the couch was. We must have done this 20 times! And every time it got this reaction:

We took a break from playing, I looked outside and saw...

snowflakes!

I am determined this winter to embrace the snow instead of hating it, so I bundled up the boys as quick as I could (which still took for-ev-er!) and we headed outside.

By the time we made it out there, it had stopped snowing.

Sigh.

But the boys enjoyed running around a bit and got some fresh air, so I guess it wasn't a total bust!

When we came back inside it was almost lunchtime, but Matthew did something he almost never does - he fell asleep on the couch! Doesn't this look comfy?? I guess we tired him out good!

After nap and lunch we headed out to meet some friends at a nearby children's museum. It's not really a museum, more of a hands-on play place, and yesterday was free admission day. The boys had a blast! Matthew's favorite thing to do was fishing. I was a bit worried taking both of them by myself to a place like this (my fear was they would both take off in different directions) but they listened really well and it was not stressful at all. Sure did tire me out though!

I wish I could say I slept like a baby...oh wait, I really could say that - I was up every 2 or 3 hours! Matthew came down with a fever in the evening and Nathan is teething...I just keep telling myself that one day they have to start sleeping. Right??? Right?!!?!?!

A Little Secret

Do you want to know a secret? I mean, a real secret that I have hardly ever said out loud?

I was scared to death before Nathan came home. God had been at work in my heart for a long time about special needs adoption, and I knew that Nathan was my son, but still...I was terrified.

You know what I was so scared about?

I was scared about what people would say. I was scared that people would say unkind things to me about my son, because his ears look a little different, and I wouldn't know how to handle it. And deep down, I was scared that maybe I would see the differences, and they would affect how I felt about him.

That feels like an awful thing to say. It's hard to even type it. I would like to think I'm not that superficial, but I guess I just didn't know. I didn't know how our families would feel, I didn't know if it would be different raising a child with hearing loss, I didn't know what else we might face...but I knew he was to be mine.

God spoke to me a lot as I battled through this fear. One of the first things that came to mind as I prayed through these fears was a song from my childhood - "Be bold! Be strong! For the Lord your God is with you. Be bold! Be strong! For the Lord your God is with you."

And then, as the time came closer for Nathan to come home, and my fear got even stronger at times, God brought this verse to me:

"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

There was my answer. It would be okay. Even if people were unkind (which they haven't been - yet), God would be with me and would help me to respond. He would walk this road with me, so I didn't need to be afraid. You know what? I wasn't afraid anymore. It was just that simple. I could trust in Him and know that when the time came He would give me what I needed.

I really do know that Nathan's "special needs" are not that big of a deal. I don't think about the differences when I look at him - I just see my beautiful son! Now that we are living it, we are realizing just how manageable his needs are. Actually, it has been one of the most amazing things ever to get to see him hear for the first time! Before we brought him home, I thought his special needs would be a big part of parenting him. Now that he is here I see that they are a part of who he is, but there is certainly so much more to him! He is a spunky, hilarious, affectionate, bright, amazing little boy. We are so blessed to have him in our lives and every single day I thank God for not letting me give in to the fear. Oh, what I would have missed!

I wanted to encourage anyone out there who is considering adoption or who ever thinks about adopting a waiting child...pray, ask God, and He will make it so clear to you. And once He does, don't look back. There is nothing but joy to be found in following Him, even if it is hard, even if it means facing your fears and walking into the unknown. There are so many precious children just waiting for a Mom and a Dad to bring them home. Don't miss out just because of fear.

I also wanted to pass along a website where Nathan was photolisted. It is called RainbowKids. There are children of all ages from all over the world who are available for adoption, with all different kinds of special needs. I am pretty sure that is where we will look when we're ready to adopt again...down the road...in the future...Brad won't let me talk about it yet!!!!

You can register and then log in to see the photolistings. So many beautiful children!