Just Pictures

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I was looking for new pictures to post, but here's the thing...I can't seem to remember to take pictures! A goal for tomorrow :)

I keep putting off posting because I'm scared it will just be a whiny, boring post about how we're still not sleeping and how crazy that is making me and how hard this is and blah blah blah. It's difficult because that's just what life is right now - lots of wonderful, good moments during the day that are overshadowed by this fog of sleeplessness that we are all existing in at the moment.

But I'll tell you this much: last week, I had the day. I had a breakthrough day that gave me hope. I had a day with the boys that was very normal, but yet so extraordinarily good that it made me see the beautiful plan of God in bringing us together as a family. I can't even put my finger on it, and it wasn't any one specific thing. It was laughing in the backyard as I chased the boys around until I couldn't run anymore (that didn't take long by the way!). It was pushing a giggling Nathan in the swing and kicking a ball high up in the air, much to Matthew's delight. It was singing songs and hugs and kisses and laughter and a feeling that we just belong together. Because we do :)

We are making more changes to this whole bedtime thing. Seriously, this is driving me insane. I am tired of thinking about it, tired of talking about it with Brad, tired of getting up 5-10 times a night, tired of lying in bed being unable to go to sleep because I know that any second one of them will wake up! Nathan figured out how to climb out of his crib, so although we had a good system in place that was starting to work, we have had to do something else. Enter the toddler bed. Yikes! I do not know how this is going to go. We have the boys back in the same room (why oh why did we not buy a three bedroom house???) and I am going to sleep in there on a futon for a while. If this doesn't work, I am out of ideas!!!!

I find myself flip-flopping between such utter gratitude to God for bringing us this precious little boy and wondering what in the world we were thinking. I am so glad I didn't know how hard this would be! I would have gotten more sleep had we not brought Nathan home, but oh what I would have missed! Someone please remind me of that at 3am, okay? :)

Learning Something New

Today was a big day! We had our second post-placement visit with our social worker (one more and then we will hopefully finalize the adoption in December!) and I also met with Nathan's speech therapist. It was a full but wonderful day!

Spending most of the day talking about my amazing little Nathan has me in such a reflective mood. It was really something to talk with our social worker about all the changes that have occurred in Nathan and in our family over the last couple of months. To see how far he has come and how much he has changed...it really astounds me. God has been so good to us in blessing us with this precious boy!

And then to talk with his speech therapist, to talk about where he is, how much he has learned already since getting his hearing aid, to make goals for the next six months and look forward to all he will learn, well, it made me smile. I just love this little boy so much and I am just blown away by him every day.

When we accepted Nathan's referral, we didn't know exactly what to expect when he came home. We knew he had hearing loss, but we didn't know how much hearing he really had. The Korean doctors talked about hearing aids and possibly cochlear implants, and we wondered how much hearing he would have and if he would ever be able to hear. We decided to accept his referral knowing that we may have to learn sign language as a family and being prepared to do whatever was needed to help him. There were just a lot of unknowns until he came home.

Every single thing since then has surprised us. His hearing was better than we expected when he came home. He has no other delays (other than speech) and he is already picking up so much English. He can follow simple commands now and is starting to try to say words. It is amazing how far he has come in such a short time!

We have been learning signs as a way to help him communicate so that he does not get too frustrated. It has been so much fun and we are so thankful to have a way to talk with him! Matthew absolutely loves signing and we use signs frequently throughout the day.

After talking with the speech therapist, I sat down and made a list of all the signs we use. The ones that have a star beside them are the ones that Nathan will use independently (not just copying us) and he has shown he knows the meaning of these ones. I was surprised to see how many we have learned! Nathan knows 16 signs and has even used two together ("more" and "please").

We love the Baby Signing Times videos and that has been a nice easy way for me to learn signs! We look forward to adding more signs to our list in the coming weeks and months!

Did I mention Matthew loves signing?

"Shoes"

"Up"

(This isn't technically a sign - Brad just made it up!

But both of the boys use it all the time. It's so funny!)

"All done"

"Cracker"

"Cat"

That's not a sign...just a cute little boy :)

Train Day

It's no secret that Matthew loves trains. They are our most frequent topic of conversation, and unfortunately we are almost to a point where my train knowledge is outdone by my 2 year old.

"Look at those pistons!" he says to me the other day as we watch a train movie.

"Yeah....wow!" I say back to him, wondering what a piston looks like.

When Brad got home, I asked him in a low whisper if trains have pistons. Apparently they do, and he's been teaching Matthew about them, and now Matthew knows more than me.

I knew it would happen, but I didn't expect it so soon!!!!

Since Matthew loves trains so much, a certain little someone who lives and breathes to be just like Matthew is finding quite the passion for trains as well. These two little boys spend a lot of their time like this:

Nathan figured out that the drawers are perfect little seats! This is nice because it keeps the boys on opposite sides of the table :)

Playing with trains = happy boys!

On September 24th we will be celebrating Matthew's "Family Day" - it was 2 years ago that he joined our family! We hope to have some friends visiting that weekend, so we decided to do something special this weekend to celebrate. What is more fitting when celebrating Matthew than to enjoy some TRAINS?

On the way to our fun train event we stopped for a picnic. This was my favorite part of the whole day. Our little family of four, a beautiful park, perfect weather, two very hungry little boys...it was wonderful.

We were surprised when we arrived at the train event to find out that Nathan is actually terrified of life-sized trains. He clung to Brad's neck so hard that Brad didn't even have to hold onto him! It was sad and adorable all at the same time. Thankfully after a few minutes he was fine :)

We got to ride a small train, which both the boys loved.

We got to see a real steam engine that is over 70 years old, and the big boy (Brad) was pretty excited about this! It has to be maintained and fixed up every 15 years so they were working on it at the time. Matthew could not believe how big it was!

We got to see model trains with a set-up so great that I could not even get Matthew to look at the camera for a second!

And one of the most fun things, we got to ride on a real red caboose! It was just a short trip but lots of fun.

We had a great day and I'm so glad we made the trip. We haven't taken a lot of trips with the boys yet but life is starting to really settle down and these things are starting to become enjoyable rather than stressful. I am so thankful for my family!

And might I also add that I am thankful that both of the boys are asleep (its 7:45pm) and have both slept pretty much through the night the last two nights?!?! I honestly didn't know if we would ever get here, but I'm so thankful that we did! Sleep makes all the difference!

Expectations

In the last three months I have found myself stretched and challenged more than perhaps ever before in my life. I have learned so much and slowly but surely God has been changing my perspective on many things. Oh, but where to begin!

I have fought and struggled against these difficult times. I have whined, complained, raged, and told the Lord (and Brad) how desperately I wanted things to get easier. I didn't want to do hard anymore. I wanted peace, and quiet, and rest. I wanted nicely behaved children who were the best of friends. I wanted perfectly planned days with naps at the same time every day and a predictable schedule. I wanted to sleep! Oh goodness, did I ever want sleep! I found myself getting angrier and angrier every time that I was awakened. Why did it have to be so hard all the time? I just wanted it to be easy.

God used something my husband said to get my attention. Actually, Brad said it a bunch of times, everytime I started complaining. And at the time, it made me mad! I mean, really mad!

"It's not going to get easier. Not for a long time. This is just how it is."

That was NOT what I wanted to hear! I wanted to hear that it would soon be better, that in just a few days or weeks, life would be easier, children would be happier, and I would be well rested every single day.

But as I prayed, and thought about it some more, I realized something. This is just life. I don't mean that in a depressed, down-and-out sort of way - this is life so I'd better just deal with it. No, what I mean is that there are always going to be challenges. Life is never going to be perfect and easy. So I can either spend my time wishing away these days, or I can accept how things are and make the most of each day. It sounds so cliche, but it's true! I was living to survive each day - to make it to bedtime. I was dreading the morning and starting it all over again. I had all of these expectations of how I wanted things to go, things I wanted to get done, fun I wanted to have with the boys, and when things didn't work out how I'd expected I was a mess. I felt cheated, angry, frustrated. ALL of the time. Yes, I've been a joy to live with.

As my perspective started to change, I found myself starting to enjoy life again. So naptime doesn't go exactly how I'd hoped - but at least I get to cuddle my sweet boys a bit more. So I didn't get to all the laundry today (or any of it!) - well, it will still be there tomorrow and maybe I'll be able to do more then. So I can't go out to a fancy dinner and movie with my husband - but I got to go out for a quick breakfast and sit and talk with him without children around! I'm starting to be able to see the good instead of just focusing on the bad. And now that I've adjusted my expectations, it's okay that life isn't perfect! Nothing has really changed, but I feel such a sense of peace in realizing that my hope is not in having a perfect day, or enough sleep, or children who behave themselves. My hope is in God, in His Word, in His promises. To know that He will give me the strength I need for whatever kind of day we have. To know that whether the day starts at 4am or 9am, it will be okay because He is with me. And to know that even if I lose it and my attitude stinks one day, I can be forgiven and start again the next day with a clean slate. It is a freedom I don't think I've ever experienced before.

One of the biggest blessings is how much more I am enjoying these two:

Instead of wishing for the days when they are older and things are easier, I am learning to enjoy these precious moments. Everyone always tells me how quickly the days go, and I know they are right. I know that one day I will be well rested again, but my little boys will be grown and gone and I'll be looking back at this time and realizing just how amazing these times were. I don't want to miss it!

I know this is a rambling post - Nathan woke up from his nap earlier than I expected so I was trying to finish sharing my thoughts while also having a dance party :) Let me tell you, this kid has some moves! I'm so glad to be enjoying them instead of being frustrated that he's not still sleeping!!!! I hope and pray I can keep this perspective because it makes life a LOT more fun!

Don't You Hate it...

Don't you hate it

when you get a really cute picture of your little boy...

and then when you look at it later

you realize there's a dog doing it's business in the background? :)

Is it weird that this is not the first time this has happened to me???