Last night I couldn’t sleep. It was a bad combination of a long nap and the time change, but come 2am I was still staring at the ceiling with thoughts just rolling around in my head. My mind wandered to a blog post I had read recently written by Leah (fabulous blog I must say!) in which she shared her thoughts on infertility and if the pain of it ever goes away. I started to ask myself this same question, and thought about my feelings about our infertility now that we have adopted.
Here’s what I came up with. I think that the answer to this question is different for different people. [Disclaimer: Please don’t take this answer as if it’s how every person feels when they adopt after infertility. It is a complicated thing to go through and I am sure that other people may feel much differently than I do]. As for me, am I “over” our struggles with infertility? My answer: mostly yes, with just a little bit of no. Yep, it’s a nice clear answer J
I think the best way to explain it is to share an analogy that someone shared with me years ago when I was going through something very painful in my life, and I relate this very much to my feelings about infertility. When you have a cut or a wound and it bleeds, you feel pain. But as the cut heals, the pain stops. Still, even when the wound is completely healed, you may have a scar where that cut once was. You can remember that you were once in pain because of that cut, but you are not still feeling that pain.
That’s where I’m at with infertility. I remember so well the feelings and pain that came along with finding out that we may not be able to have biological children. I remember how deeply it hurt, and how so many situations in life brought pain. I remember crying when I saw pregnant bellies, fearing baby showers, feeling a lump in my throat as I passed by the baby department in a store…as I sit here writing it brings tears to my eyes to remember that period of my life.
The thing is, though, I don’t still feel that pain…because my life is filled with joy and a precious gift named Matthew! For me, the most difficult thing about infertility was that I so desperately wanted to be a mother. There was definitely grief over the thought that I would not get to experience pregnancy and could not have a child who was created from me and Brad, but having children was my heart’s desire. I think that is why we decided to pursue adoption after only 2 years of trying to start a family instead of heading down the road of infertility treatments. Having a child who was biologically ours was not as important to us as just having a child who was ours. And now we have that – a child who is completely and totally ours – and our hearts are so full!
Let me just explain the “little bit of no” statement, though. I think that a little part of me will always wonder (really it is more wondering than hurting at this point) what it is like to experience pregnancy and childbirth. A part of me sometimes wonders what it would be like to have a child who looks like me and Brad. Sometimes the “scab” over my cut gets bumped a little when I see someone who is pregnant or watch a mom with her teeny tiny newborn, and it hurts again. Infertility is a strange thing. Sometimes when I least expect it, the familiar hurt returns and I find myself wistfully thinking about what it would be like. But what is different now is that the pain doesn’t stick around long, because it is chased away by the smile of a little boy who I love more than anything!
One last thing. I used to pray and pray that we would get pregnant. Month after month, it was often on my mind and I just ached to be able to start a family with Brad. I remembered this only a couple of days after Matthew arrived, and I prayed again, and I was actually surprised to find myself thanking God for our journey through infertility, because it led us to Matthew. I would not have it any other way. I would walk through it all again if that’s what I had to do to get to him. Every tear, all the pain and frustration and the agony of waiting was absolutely and completely worth it. So I think that’s why I can say that “mostly yes, but just a little bit no” – for me, the pain of infertility is gone!
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