With this being our third time around, my expectations about bonding and how things would go with Hannah were settled in this one thought: wait and see.
I feel like we have experienced a little of both sides of bonding - the easy peasy side, and also the slower, work-at-it side. I think that because things between Nathan and I were more challenging and slow going at the beginning, I wasn't as afraid this time around. I knew that even if it wasn't instant, our bond would grow and love would develop and deepen as time went on.
My connection with Hannah was pretty strong right from the beginning. Having two weeks to get to know her and care for her in China without the distractions of real life was very, very helpful. I loved that I could just give her all of my attention and not worry about things like laundry, cooking, dishes, and caring for other children. That was such a gift!
Once we got home, real life hit. Our bond still continued to grow, but it was a bit of a struggle to find the right balance between giving her all my attention and yet having to do other things as well. The boys are still little and still need me a lot, too. I found myself walking past Hannah as she cried and reached for me and saying, "I know...just a minute...hold on...". I couldn't find my new groove for quite a few weeks!
I started noticing that Hannah was reacting to this and pulling away from me a bit. She was okay with me during the day, but once Brad got home she only wanted him. In the night she would scream if I tried to hold her and she would only calm down with Brad. I wasn't overly worried about it, though of course it was not what I wanted. Rejection is always hard. But I understood that she was still processing, dealing with the changes in her life, and this was all a part of that.
I decided to make more of an effort during the day to meet her needs as soon as I could. If I was in the middle of something, I put it down and sat on the floor with her when she wanted me. I picked her up every time she reached for me, right away. I tried to be more intentional about sitting and playing rather than wanting her to play alone. I took her with me when I went in the bedroom to put laundry away. I started singing to her a lot when I held her - she loves this!
As the weeks went on I noticed she was starting to like me again :) It was so encouraging to see progress and for her to reach for me even when she was in Brad's arms. In the night I was able to get her calmed down. She is settling more and more and has seemed much happier in the last couple of weeks. I love hearing her little giggle (something we didn't get much of once we got home from China) and seeing her become more at ease here. It is an awesome thing for sure!
She has been ours for three months now, and we could not be happier to have her in our family! She is such a good fit for us and getting to know her has just been a joy. I must admit that some days I really struggle with how to adequately care for three when they are so little and need so much of me. It's pretty exhausting sometimes, but so worth it!
2 comments:
It's really a cool gift that you have to feel like you have to get to know your child. I think (not speaking from experience) that when people who birth their own children aren't as intentional about really getting to know them. It's like you get to date your kids....You're much more focused on figuring out the how and why. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but me... but it's cool.
Such a great example of why being intentional in our parenting makes such a difference...when our children have been home 3 months or 3 years. Love that you and Hannah are growing closer. And way to go for recognizing that you could do things to make that bond stronger.
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