Homeschool Planning {Getting Ahead}

It is only the middle of summer here but we have decided to take advantage of the flexibility of homeschooling and have created a bit of a different schedule for the kids this year.  Anyone who knows me knows that the planning part of homeschooling is pretty much my favorite.  February rolls around and I am ready to plan for September!  This year was no different and I completed my plans in March and April.  I'm a big old planning nerd!

We have a big change coming to our family this year as we anticipate adding Robbie (who is 6) to our family sometime in late Fall.  My heart speeds up considerably just thinking about what this will be like.  Of our four adoptions, we have had 3 easy transitions and one wow-are-we-going-to-survive-this difficult transition.  I have no idea how things will be when Robbie arrives but I know that for sure there will be an adjustment period for Robbie and all of us.  Becoming a family takes time and energy and time and grace and time...

With that in mind, I planned out our school year beginning a couple of months early to build in some time to breathe, adjust, play and learn when Robbie arrives.  We started the girls at the beginning of July.  Hannah is ecstatic to finally be in Kindergarten and Livvy feels like such a big girl saying she is in Preschool.  It basically means playing with play dough and coloring and talking about letters just like last year but shhhhhhh! Don't tell her that! 

I have never had to teach actual subjects to three kiddos before and yikes was the word that kept coming to mind.  I thought I would ease myself into it a bit by starting with just the girls.  The boys are happy to play, read, and ride bikes all morning long and it has been great to give the girls some structure.  I also started a new curriculum with Hannah (more on that coming soon!).  It has been a great fit for her and I've been glad to have the time to get to know the schedule and curriculum a bit.  I've also loved having time to focus on the girls, read to them more, be intentional about playing with them and focusing just on them, if only for an hour or two in the morning.  A lot of times I feel like they get so much less of me as numbers 3 and 4 in the family so having this time together has been precious.  Well...some days it's precious!  As has been my experience with homeschooling so far, some days are picture perfect, other days are barely survivable!  

In August I will start the boys (they will be in 1st and 2nd grade this year).  I have a lot of confidence about the curriculum choices that we are continuing, excitement about the new ones we are adding in this year (history, science, and art), and a whole lot of nerves about how we will fit it all in.  I keep voicing these concerns to Brad and then the other day he reminded me that every single year I say these things, and somehow we make it through and come out okay!

Deep breaths.

I often doubt my own abilities, but thank God for His grace when I fail, His strength when I am weak, His wisdom and guidance as I parent all these little ones, and the blessing of an amazing husband who makes me laugh on the craziest of days.

Let's get this year started!

Outside

It's our favorite place to be!

Our new house has this awesome backyard that has been such a blessing to our family.  The driveway goes around behind the house and is all fenced in so it is perfect for bike riding, side walk chalk, and playing.  There is a clubhouse and a slide and swings.  Grass to run in.  We just love being outside!

And the birds....so many birds!  They're my favorite, in case you didn't know.

We are outside for hours each day and three of the kids have learned to ride their bikes without training wheels - two since we moved in here!

I love that we can have people over and have room to play!  I am so glad we moved.  And I'm so glad that moving is done because that was HARD with kids!

What Now?

Life right now is a weird mixture of really happy...

...playing in the yard with my beautiful kids.

...enjoying this wonderful house and the backyard.

...sunny days, time with family, laughter.

And this happiness is mixed with such sadness...

...losing Seth and knowing we will never hold him here in this life.

...letting go of hopes and dreams we had for the future.

...comforting children who are also grieving and trying to understand.

As the days flow from one into the next, God's peace has also flowed into our hearts.  This doesn't mean the pain has magically disappeared.  It doesn't mean that we are happy about all that has happened.  It doesn't mean we are all healed and all better.  But little by little, God's promises have become stronger than the questions.  His grace has surrounded us and His comfort has come to our hearts.

We can trust Him.  Even in this, even when life does not go how we hope or expect, we can trust Him.  This has not changed who He is, who we know Him to be.  His compassion never fails.

The question we have been faced with over the last few weeks has been, "What now?"

We look around at this big, beautiful home that we moved to specifically so that we could adopt Seth.  We look at the money that we've saved and all that was donated for the adoption.  We look at our completed home study and all the paperwork we have done and we wonder...what now?  What was this all for and what should we do now?

Our hearts have been broken for the thousands of children who wait for families.  We knew, with certainty, after Seth died, that we would move forward to adopt another child.  At first, even saying it out loud brought many, many tears.

"I just wanted Seth.  I just wanted him."

As the days went on and we talked and prayed, we felt even more certain there was another little one who would come home to our family.  Boys wait longer - we looked for a boy.  Older boys wait much longer - we thought about older boys.  We prayed and thought about our family and the ages of our kids and then one day...there he was.  A video of a little boy named Robbie grabbed both our hearts.  We just sat, watching and smiling as he talked away in Chinese (and a little English), counted (to 200 I think!), and sang his little heart out.  He was adorable, funny, smart, and full of spunk!

We have started the process to bring this precious boy into our family and we are just so excited!  Mixed with a whole lot of complicated feelings about Seth, the sadness, the questions.  I'm not going to lie - it's hard.  But we choose love.  We choose to be open to love again and we choose to trust that God can bring beauty from ashes.

Robbie is 6 years old and lives at the same place Seth spent the last week of his life.  It is an amazing home for blind children and we are so grateful for the love and care he is receiving there.  Robbie is blind in one eye and has very low vision in his other eye.  The boys are really excited about having another brother.  Hannah has struggled to think about bringing home someone who is not Seth.  Livvy is pretty much oblivious :)

We are thankful for all the Lord is doing in our lives and how He continues to draw us closer, in joy and in pain.  He is faithful and we look forward to the next part of this journey.

Things I've Learned from Loving Seth

It has been a difficult couple of weeks.  The weight of sadness has been heavy and our hearts have been aching.  Every plan for the future had our Seth in it and trying to wrap our heads around the fact that now he will not be here with us has been so hard.

Yet even in our sadness, we have hope.  The Lord has brought comfort through His Word and through our families and friends.  We have felt so loved and we are so thankful for all who have cared for our family and grieved with us for Seth.

Last Saturday I had some time in the house by myself (which is a pretty rare thing!).  As I cleaned up the kitchen, I talked to God about the week.  It wasn't long before the "why" question came out of my mouth.  But as the tears fell, I realized that my "why" question wasn't, "Why did he die?"

It was, "Why did I have to love him?"

What if I had never seen his sweet face that day on Facebook?  What if I had passed by the post and not opened up the link and read about him?

I wouldn't be hurting now.  I could have missed this.

But as I cried, the Lord showed me what else I would have missed.

I would have missed an opportunity to see the incredible power and the BIGNESS of my God.  I have seen it firsthand - nothing is impossible to God.  He has moved mountains these last few months, for us, for Seth.  I would have missed seeing His powerful answers to desperate prayers.

I would have missed the chance to understand God's heart more.  I can see now and understand more fully how God loves me.  By the world's standards, Seth did not have much to give.  He couldn't see, or walk, or talk, and yet to me he was a priceless treasure.  I just loved him and longed to be with him.  I can understand now a little more how deeply God loves me.  Not for what I can do, not for what I can bring to Him - for that is nothing.  And yet He loves me desperately and longs for me to know Him.  He sent Jesus to die in my place, to make a way for me to be forgiven so that I can be with Him!  He just loves me.

I would have missed so much if I hadn't seen Seth that day.  I would have missed the chance to teach my kids about compassion and that every person is precious in the eyes of God.  I would have missed getting to show them that God hears and answers prayers - for they have seen it and lived it these last few months!

It is not what we hoped for or expected, but we are thankful to our gracious God anyway.  We are thankful for God's great mercy in taking Seth to a beautiful place for his last week on earth where he was valued, loved, cared for, fed, held...and he did not die alone.  He was loved by so many!  I am thankful for the lives he has touched and the ways he has changed us.  We will never be the same.  We are thankful for God's mercy and goodness and the ways that has been revealed to us these last few months.  We are thankful for peace that passes all understanding.  He has been so good to us.

We won't ever, ever forget our sweet boy.  His picture will always be on our wall, his story will always be told, and we will always thank God for the time we had to love him.  I'm so glad I got to love him.

Heartbreak

It's been quite the week here.

A hard, heartbreaking, difficult, tear-filled week.

On Tuesday I got a phone call that changed our lives.  Our sweet Seth had passed away unexpectedly earlier in the day.  Passed away.  My brain couldn't make sense of the words.  I sank to the floor and tried to breathe.  How could he be gone?

We had received an update earlier in the week - he was doing so well.  He was happy, and he was starting to bear weight on his legs.  We had so much hope for the future for our little boy.  So much hope.

In a moment, that was all gone.  Everything changed.  

Our hearts ache and we wonder where we go from here.  For now, we pray, we wait, we trust in the One who loves Seth even more than we do.  And we remember with smiles and tears the little boy from across the world who changed everything for us.  He will never be forgotten.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God;

my hope comes from Him.

Truly He is my rock and my salvation;

He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;

He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in Him at all times, you people;

pour out your hearts to Him,

for God is our refuge."

Psalm 62:5-8

A Sweet Little Boy a World Away

Tonight, my mind is a million miles away.

Well, maybe not that far....but almost.  My mind and my heart are dreaming of a little boy across the world.

It's been almost four months since I first saw Seth's face.  I've never held him, never kissed him, never touched his face, but already he is a part of me.  He has captured me in a way I have never experienced before and I long for the day when he is mine.

Adoption is scary.  It just is.  The unknowns, the questions, the uncertainty...it's easy to be afraid.  I have been afraid every single time.

Until this time.

This time, when looking at it logically, I should be most afraid.

People ask me - how will you care for a blind child?  Well....

Do you know anything about raising a blind child?  Nope...

Will he ever walk? I just don't know the answer to that...

There are a whole lot of unknowns!  There is so much to learn, I don't even know where to start.  I have no idea what it will be like.  My mind races wondering how many appointments we will have his first year home!  He is seven - so different from any adoption experience we have had so far.  He can't talk - how will we communicate?  So many unknowns.

And yet.

In all that, all the uncertainty about what lies ahead, I have never been more certain.

God has put in my heart a desire to love and fight for and care for this precious boy.  Whatever that means, however hard it is, no matter the cost.  It is unwavering and it is strong and I am not afraid.

Please do not for a moment let yourself think any sort of nonsense about how strong I am or how much faith I have or that I am anything special.  Sometimes people say things like that - "You are amazing!" or "I could never..."

And I chuckle, because I know the truth.

Oh, friends, we are so very ordinary!  We have struggles and we fail and this parenting thing is hard and a lot of days, we're not very good at it.  We are not strong and we don't know all the answers.  But the reason we could say "yes", the reason we can walk forward without fear is because of Who we know.  He has turned our, "We could never...." into "We could, if He wanted us to."  We have seen that this God we serve is mighty and bigger than we ever knew and He is able to do what we are not.

So that's why I'm not afraid.  I may have no clue how I will raise a blind child, but I am confident that I can learn and that the Lord will be with us every step of the day, every moment.  I know it might be really hard.  I know there are probably things ahead that will be beyond me - but they will not be beyond Him.  The One who goes before us, who leads us, He will help us.  He will not fail us.

That is why I am confident.  I know who He is.