I Can Smile at Babies Now

I sat down in the church pew, set my purse and Bible beside me, and glanced around.  The sanctuary was slowly filling up and soon the service would begin.  As the music began, a young couple slipped into the pew in front of me.  The woman carried a new-looking infant carrier in her hand and a diaper bag was slung over her shoulder.  Cradled carefully in the man's arms was a precious little baby.  The couple sat down and the man gently lifted his tiny daughter to his shoulder.  Her eyes met mine, and I felt a smile tugging at my lips.  This tiny little baby brought a smile to my face.

And then suddenly, I realized that I was smiling.  A lump rose in my throat as it occurred to me that I was smiling....at a baby.  That may sound like an odd statement, but to me this was an amazing thing.

You see, for many years, babies broke my heart.

I'm not sure exactly when it began, but somewhere along the way as we began our journey with infertility, tiny little babies became a deep source of pain for me.  Seeing them in church brought a feeling of dread.  Oh, no, not now....hold it together....don't start crying...can they tell?  Can everyone see how deeply this hurts?  I tried to escape every situation where a baby made an appearance.  I felt as though it must be so obvious to everyone.  Spending time with other women was often difficult.  It was almost unbearable to hear birth stories or joking about pregnancy symptoms.  It was a club I could not seem to join.

There was a time when a friend accidentally left a little baby sock at my house.  It has imprinted itself on my mind.  A tiny, meaningless thing but oh how I cried at the sight of that tiny sock.  I wondered if my house would ever have tiny socks, or any tiny baby feet to put them on.  It felt unattainable, a dream that would never be realized.

And then something amazing happened.  The dream was realized.  Not in the way I expected, not in the way I had first prayed, but in a truly amazing and life-changing way.  Through adoption, I became a mom.  Suddenly my house was filled with tiny little socks.  And to this day, almost every time I come across a single sock - in the laundry, in the bathroom, in the kids room...I remember.  I remember and I breathe out a soft thank you.

The wounds of infertility were slow to heal.  Having a baby in my arms did not magically erase the pain of not being able to get pregnant.  But day by day, God was showing me the beauty of the story He was writing for me.  It was far beyond anything I could have imagined.  Being a mom was what I wanted, more than anything else.  The joy of motherhood, having a little one to love and teach and cherish - and then two little ones, and then three - brought healing in ways I could not explain.  I found myself settling into this beautiful, crazy, unexpected life and most surprisingly I found myself desperately thanking God for saying no to all those prayers in the years before.

I cannot say it is completely gone, and it creeps up on me at the most unexpected times.  At baby showers, when everyone offers their best pregnancy advice, I feel that old familiar feeling coming over me.  I don't belong.  It is as though I have a sign on my forehead, or perhaps just a giant "I".  Infertile, unable to have a baby.  It is difficult to even write that, because it is such a strong feeling, and one that I have held so close to my heart.  That feeling that everybody knows that my heart is twisting, my stomach is lurching, and I am fighting to maintain control of the tears that threaten to spill over.  To this day, I struggle to be around tiny little babies and newborns.  There is a part of me that still hurts to know that I did not get to hold my babies when they were that age.  When friends have babies, I do not volunteer to hold them, because sometimes its still hard.  The emotions are sometimes complicated, and hard to put into words, and deep.

But it is getting so much easier.  The pain is gone, with only twinges reminding me of our journey through infertility.  I guess technically we are still in this journey of infertility, and yet, in my heart...this chapter is closed.  I have been blessed with a life that is so good that were I given the choice, I would choose it all over again.  I would walk through the pain, the uncertainty, the heartache, and I would choose this path to get to my children.

Because of that - because these children are my joy and because I have had a front-row seat to this miracle called adoption - I have been changed.  "You have turned my sorrow into joyful dancing." (Psalm 30:11)  He has been so good to us.  He has been so good to me.

I have seen the proof of His healing in my life, the miracle of wounds being bound up and repaired.

I can smile at babies now.

Things That Are Hard About Homeschooling

So...just in case you thought life is perfect here...!!!

I thought I'd share a few of the struggles that I have with homeschooling.  Sorry, no cute pictures to go with these ones :)

It's a lot of work.  No joke.  There is just no getting around this one, it really is a lot of work.  There is prep-work, and clean up, and planning.  And then there's the actual doing of homeschool.  It's hard work, and even though I love most aspects of it most of the time, it is still pretty exhausting.

The weight of responsibility.  There is always (for me) a feeling of "Am I doing enough?" and the weight of knowing that I am, for now, responsible for my kids' educations.  I do not feel this pressure weighing heavily on me all the time, but it is definitely there.  I am learning to trust that I know my kids, that I know the progress they're making, and they're on track...but it's still there.

Spending all day with three little ones.  It is an all day, every day job that never ends.  There are sometimes short breaks during the day but for the most part this is a busy season of life.  I have never been so tired.

Having time to work individually with the boys.  They are young and still need me for most of their work (although Matthew is becoming more independent all the time).  Hannah took a few weeks to adjust to the new schedule, and I'm not going to lie - it was rough.  Every day when Brad came home I was telling him that it may not be too late to enroll them in school...!  And the thing is, I really meant it.  I was not sure at all that I could do this.  It felt overwhelming to have Hannah be so needy, on my lap, whining, while also trying to teach Matthew a reading lesson.  It felt impossible.  But slowly we have found our groove and now Hannah happily plays for 1-2 hours while I work with the boys.  We are all in the same room, and she certainly comes to me to check in, or when she is done with something, and I often redirect her to a new activity.  But it is feeling much more doable.

Fighting.  Being together all the time lends itself to lots of time to work on sibling relationships :) Much of the time, they get along very well and play together happily.  But some days, it is all I can do not to lose my mind as I try to help them work out disagreements and learn how to communicate with each other.

I can't think of anymore!  Had you asked me week one of this year, I would have gone on and on about how hard it was.  Now....I'm starting to really enjoy homeschooling!  I am seeing so much growth and change in the boys this year.  Nathan is starting to really be able to hear letter sounds in words and know which letter is making the sound, and that is so exciting because now he is one step closer to reading!  Hannah learned to cut out circles this week!  Seeing their successes day by day makes it worth it.

Things I Love About Homeschooling

In no particular order...

Flexibility.  We have lots of appointments and life changes week to week for us - and that's ok! I love that school doesn't have to be at a certain time or on a certain day of the week for us.  We aim for four days of school and call it good!  I'm also thankful that we can still do school even on "sick days" when Matthew is coughing and would probably have had to stay home from school, but he feels well enough to do work.  He would probably miss a lot of school due to sickness so for us this is a great option!

Time.  We have time to just do what we want to do.  When the kids get into cutting and gluing they can do that for as long as they want and then we can move on to something else.  I like not feeling rushed.

Finding our groove.  Hannah has started really enjoying coloring, drawing, cutting, pasting and general mess making :)  It's awesome!  I love that I can work with the boys and be less interrupted, and know that she is having fun and developing skills.

Spending the day with these three.  Mostly awesome.

Seeing them learn and succeed.  Matthew has come so far with his handwriting - from hating it last year to doing it without complaining and taking pride in his work this year.  It's amazing to see!

Finding things they love to do and fun ways to learn.  I found this truck activity book for Nathan for a dollar at Goodwill and he just loves it!  He is learning numbers, shapes, practicing writing....but he doesn't feel like he's working ;)

(Took this picture the wrong way on my phone...oops!)

Planning.  I'm such a nerd.  This is one of my favorite things about homeschooling.  Oh, the planning!  I made my own blank lesson plan sheets, I easily fill them in one week at a time, and I check it off as we go!  I love knowing what we need to accomplish and seeing what we have done already.

Reading with the kids.  I am trying to be so much more intentional about reading more with the kids this year.  I made a box with our read-aloud books and also books I'm assigning for Matthew to read to me.  We have a set time for reading aloud chapter books (when Hannah is napping) and so far have finished Charlotte's Web and part of a book of train stories.  

Seeing the kids develop independence.  It is so great that now I can give Matthew and assignment to work on and he gets to it with very little help (only for certain subjects of course).  He can read the directions and knows to ask if he gets stuck.  I am then free to play with Hannah for a few minutes, to work with Nathan, to put laundry in...it's really great.

Putting some Pinterest ideas into action!  I saw this idea for putting up contact paper so that shapes could be stuck on and moved around.  Hannah loves it and it's great for practicing patterns with the boys as well!  I love when things actually work (since most don't! Ha!).

We had a bit of a rough start this year (Mommy had a pretty bad attitude and things were not going smoothly!) but now we are finding our groove and it is getting easier.  I'm so thankful we have the option to homeschool!

First Day!

It's hard to believe it's that time already - back to school!

I have been ready for several weeks and eagerly anticipating the start of a new year of homeschooling these kiddos.  I'm not going to lie - we had a rough first day today!  After very little sleep I had a headache and was not feeling up to the challenge.  But my goals this year are to be consistent, to do 4 days a week, to stick to our (loose) schedule and to remember that some days are awesome while other days are just survived!  Let's put today in the "survived" category and move on, shall we? :)

Matthew is officially a Kindergartener this year!  It was so exciting to see how much he learned last year and I am looking forward to the year ahead with him.  I hope he will continue to develop a love for reading, grow in his math skills, and discover a real joy for learning.

My sweet, crazy Nathan will be officially starting Preschool at home this year!  He is not quite ready for reading yet so we will be spending time learning letter sounds and reading, reading, reading to keep up his love for books!  He is starting the same math curriculum that Matthew uses and we will work our way slowly through the first book this year.  He is so excited to be a big boy who has his own books!  He is learning to write and is such a diligent, hardworking little guy!

Oh, Hannah!  This face just sums up my bubbly little girl!  She is so super excited about school starting again.  She will have some little activities to work on - color sorting, basic counting, shapes, learning letters, but mostly her job will be to play and to learn to love reading like her brothers!  She has started bringing me books and now will sit and listen - this feels like such a victory!  My little firecracker does make the days a little more interesting (which is a nicer word than challenging) but I would not change her for anything!

I'm so glad I get the chance to teach them!  And I'm so glad that it's nap time for Hannah and that the boys are playing on the Wii for a little while :)  Ah, sweet silence...

Our Summer Fun

What a fun summer!!  We have been kind of lazy, staying home a lot after our oh-so-crazy spring.  But we have enjoyed these days so much and had lots of fun along the way.

A few highlights...

Brad took the boys to Nascar qualifying and they loved it!!

S'mores and a campfire with friends!

Playing at the park and marveling at how little they need me these days!!

Speech therapy and doctors appointments as usual, but so thankful that these kiddos are always so good in the waiting rooms.

Riding bikes, walks, playing outside...keeps them happy and me sane!

Working on canvases and loving coming up with new nursery designs :)

This guy swallowed a penny this week...or it might be a nickel...we are waiting to find out :/ Good times!

It's been a good summer, and a year to remember!!

A Plugged Up Brain

My brain feels full.

Life lately has felt so packed to the edges it is hard to find a moment to sit and write.  When I sit down during the day or lie in my bed at night my mind just races a hundred miles an hour as I think about all there is to do right now.

Thankfully, we have had one pressure relieved in a way we did not expect...we have been working so hard to get our house ready to put it on the market.  We really thought we would be moving soon, but it seems that is not to be.  The housing market here has not recovered as well as we expected and it just is not possible for us to move right now.

*Yes I did a big ugly cry after the realtor left*

Our house is....cozy.  We thought we would be getting more space soon, but we won't, and the more I think about it the more okay I am with that.  I am so thankful for the experiences I've had in life - seeing kids who live and work in a city garbage dump in Guatemala has certainly given me a different perspective on my own life and the blessings we have.  Our house is like a mansion to many people in the world!  I have nothing to complain about.

We will work on changing the basement, adding another bedroom, changing things around...it's all good.  And phew, I won't have to try to keep the house clean enough to show at any moment ;)  So that's a bonus!

I have struggled with balancing getting the house ready, doing adoption paperwork, and medical stuff going on with the kids these last few weeks.  I am actually really relieved that selling the house is off the table because now I can hit the adoption paperwork hard!  We made good progress on stuff the last few days and I am getting ready to kick it into high gear with the dossier soon.  Our little girl is waiting and I want her home!!!